Husband obsessed with son doing Oxbridge Post Reply

[peachy]

Can anyone please help me sort an increasingly stressful situation.

I have a lovely son who isn't very academic, no problem apart from the fact I have a husband who is and refuses to believe that our son isn't. He won't accept that he isn't on his way to Oxbridge and its just about application. He is just heading into GCSE year and his dad is demanding he does 3 hours of homework a night and 4 each of the weekend days. That is no downtime.  

I can see that my son is already getting very stressed but I just don't seem to be able to get through to Mr the only way is Oxbridge. I will get school involved but I would appreciate any input ahead of a meeting. 

[chorister]

You don't say so, so apologies if this is wrong, but if you are not academic then your husband needs to understand that it's a genetic lottery, and your son may not have inherited his deck of cards.  I'm afraid I really don't know what to suggest in terms of getting the message over, but may be try some way of at least starting the conversation.  Best of luck.

[MBK]

so sorry for you - so stressful and not helpful for your poor son
i have a friend whose husband is the same - it has caused real mental health problems and self harming for their daughter
perhaps you could tell him that you’re worried about the impact on his emotional health and that what you want is a child who grows up to be a functional independent adult regardless of academic achievement. I’ve seen lots of parents tear themselves apart trying to live vicariously through their kids and it’s very sad for all involved. I wonder if your husband would consider reflecting on why it’s so important to him and what difference it will make to your sons life? often with these obsessions be it sport academics music etc that parents have its about their unlived life!! time for some therapy perhaps…all parents need it so we don’t “**** them up” as philip larkin said
i hope you manage to find a way around this i really do x

[Bluekazanne123]

You need to sit down and discuss this with him. Your sons health and well-being should be his number 1 priority. He will thrive doing something practical and still do well in life. My two children were the same and both have great jobs now which they also really enjoy. Life is short and yes we should work hard but enjoy it too. You could find some examples of people who are practice and have done well in life . Dyslexia action is a great start as many people such as Richard Branson are practice and not academic.
You are mum and need to speak up for him. Good luck x

[Bluekazanne123]

This is the best site for info
madebydyslexia

[LastMumStanding]

These teenager years are critical for internalising messages about self worth that will stay with a person for decades to come. There is a much bigger picture here. If your child is already feeling stressed his mental health is at risk. Get your husband some articles to read on influencing factors on mental health in adolescence. Parental conflict is also a large contributor.
If your child needs 3 hours work per night pre-GCSE stage his social life and vital relationships will be disrupted at this important stage. It’s time to stop pushing and just be encouraging - he will find his way much better knowing you believe in him making the choices that are right for him. You do not want to find him self-harming or worse or have endless appointments with psychiatrists trying to work out medication to lift anxiety and depression (which will stay on his medical record).
He may get to Sixth firm and discover a passion for a subject that fires him up and completely changes the game. Then is the time for him to decide about Oxbridge.

[Flambeau]

Hello Peachy,

Managing the emotions of both your son and husband is very delicate situation for you.

Your husband's expectations regarding the level of study that he is requiring from your son is not feasible, unrealistic and very unfair.

If these expectations are not addressed and revised quickly, this will most likely lead to resentment and feelings of rejection, being less-than and self-confidence/esteem issues for your son, and may possibly damage their relationship now and in the long term. 

I think that you will need to understand WHY it is so important to your husband, for your son to attend Oxbridge, is it:

• son following in his fathers footsteps?
  
• pride?
  
• cultural?
  
• reliving/correcting his own childhood ?
  
• extended family expectations and pressure?
  
• keeping up with the Joneses?
  
• Or some other reason// combination of all of the above
  

Until you can understand the reasons for your husband pushing so hard, it will be difficult to get him to change his view point and not be so demanding.

In the meantime, make sure your son is doing things he enjoys and things that boost his confidence.

Best of luck.

[dudette]

This obviously needs to be nipped in the bud now before your husband does lasting damage to your son. Does you husband understand how hard it is to get into Oxbridge these days? My daughter has just done her A Levels and so many of her brilliant peers - all grade 9s at GCSE; all A*s at A level (often in four subjects) have failed to get in. It’s not at all the same as it was in his day (assuming he went there). The competition now is ridiculously strong and they really do only take the most academically able (and as I’ve just pointed out, even then it’s a lottery.)

I would question the real value of an Oxbridge education anyway. A lot of my Oxbridge educated friends have ended up really only averagely successful (whatever “successful” means). Equally several very successful high earning people I know were either Oxbridge rejects or went nowhere near the place.

The most important trait for success is self-motivation and by being told what to do by his dad your son will never learn it. So if your husband wants to encourage your son to do his best (very different from working stupid hours) he needs to find a way of making your son want to work hard, not tell him that he has to.

I highly recommend you both read “Outliers” by Malcolm Gladwell and “Bounce” by Matthew Syed. Read those and then have the discussion.

[parentpractice]

This is so hard for everyone involved, and it's a deeply emotional situation for you all.

Your husband who has a classic preset notion of what being successful means, and perhaps feels his son is not living up to his expectations. You as Mum, who suffers by seeing the fall out of your son who is being forced down a route like some sort of project development exercise, and of course your son, whose mental health may be affected by the pressure and stress.

I would seek some empirical evidence of your son's cognitive profile and efficiency, by getting an educational psychology report done. This is often gold dust, as can show how your son learns and perhaps explain why he may not be suited to traditional academic learning. He may be an atypical learner, with a strong IQ, so understanding this is the first step to unlocking his potential, and may provide your husband with the evidence he needs to be able to adjust his expectations.

I would also open up a conversation about what success looks like - the typical definition is based on wealth, attainment and status, but we all know some of the most contented, fulfilled and successful people in life may not have university degrees. A degree from Oxford is prestigious, but the reality is it doesn't guarantee work, or future health or happiness.

I really hope you can resolve this, and thank you for being so open and honest, as your question is one many of my coaching clients ask me.

[SWtastic]

Show your husband this thread and the risks of his actions may sink in.  You need to protect your son.

[southoftheriver]

It’s difficult, but perhaps your husband’s belief in your son is correct and with a bit of effort he can make it to oxbridge and you are writing him off to early ?

[peachy]

Thanks so much for all of the replies. I have spoken to school and I am going to get a ed psych report done. I agree Dudette I am not sure it is the be all and end all but sadly it seems to be to his father and some other male relatives in their extended family. I am very grateful for all of your supportive thoughts and suggestions. 

[MagnoliaMum]

That sounds a very sensible approach. I wanted to add to the comments that Oxford and Cambridge have a very different teaching style to other universities - in Arts subjects at least, the students are given huge reading lists and are set weekly or fortnightly essays for discussion at 1:1 or 2:1 tutorials. Lectures are apparently irrelevant to these and therefore the students are effectively working the subject out for themselves with very few timetabled hours and then put under a spotlight. This style seems best suited to those who are highly self-motivated, genuinely passionate about studying their subject, confident in their own abilities and good with managing their time. Definitely not for everyone - there are good reasons why other universities do not adopt the same approach and certainly no shame in this! Perhaps the Report you're getting could also look at whether your son would be psychologically suited to learning in this highly specific way, as well as in the more traditional university studying approach that Parentpractice referred to above?

[SMG]

What an interesting thread ... I also want my children to go to Oxbridge exactly for the reason that there are not many lectures but conversations with students are held 1:1 or 1:2 and a professor / tutor would direct the student depending on the student's interest, he/she would advise and correct the process of leaning depending on the personality. I think it's the best way of learning. If learning process consists of mostly lectures and the lecturer simply reads new material for a large audience - why not have it all on line? May be, we are moving there ...

Other universities cannot adopt Oxbridge methods - it's too expensive, and yes, sadly, it is not for everyone. Not all students can learn via Oxbridge method, and not all teachers can teach like in Oxbridge .

I'd disagree that Oxbridge is a genetic lottery though. There has been enough research showing that the brain can be developed by various methods but you'd need to start it from day 1. May be, the father of the stressed child can look back and reflect on whether he had been reading his child in the evening before bedtime (when he was 1 y. o.) for 3 hours in different languages and designing lego buildings, took him to museums and simply talked to the child for 2 hours instead of 15 minutes a day?

It's incredibly hard to get into Oxbridge these days - incredibly. I wish more universities would adopt their methods ... And schools would use some of them: 1:1 or 1:2 instead of 30 pupils in a class and children marking their own homework ... One size fits all method adopted currently at schools does not help.

[TFP]

Education wise, oxbridge is better if you can get in, on account of there being more undergraduate teaching time. It can also be much cheaper than the other universities, on account of the 8 week terms and [often, it varies by uni and college] guaranteed onsite accommodation. The state used to [very dubiously, given the economic background of most oxbridge students back then] pay a 'college fee' to cover the cost of this. Nowadays these costs have to be paid by means of a cross-subsidy from Oxbridge's other income streams.

Admission is a bit of a crapshoot. Oxbridge have about 7k first year undergraduate places per year, and always admit many students with not-quite-perfect grades, even though this summer [the number was significantly higher with Covid teacher-awarded grades] about 12k kids got straight A* at A level. places end up getting allocated on fairly arbitrary tie-breakers. But no child can get in unless they're well, well above average academically. It's not for everyone.