mothers of sons out there help me! Post Reply

[boyswillbeboys]

I have 3 children, one of whom is an adorable but very boisterous 3 year old boy.....and I just wondered how other mothers of boys who like to charge about and push and shove and generally cause chaos cope with it all?

I find that trips to the park, soft play etc..always end in an 'incident' and its so exhausting. Any tips anyone?

Do any of you find that even if you try and keep a lid on their exuberance that you get dirty looks from the other mothers (as if their precious children never start a fight!). How do you react?

I'd love to know as I've tried it all - ignoring it, making comments back etc...what I'm amazed at is how many people like to comment on the behaviour of other children. I would never DREAM of challenging a parent about how their child was behaving unless it was illegal or lethal.

Please tell me I'm not alone here.........

[Vives09]

I've got two boys, also very boisterous, and the same thing happens to me - I don't think it's unusual at all! I just make it known in no uncertain terms that hurting other people/fighting/namecalling etc. isn't how they're expected to behave and I have on several occasions marched them home if they're behaving badly. They do seem to be getting better, incidents still happen but they're getting fewer and farther between and I'm beginning to feel that maybe one day I can stop sounding like a sergeant major and start enjoying my time out with them! I've talked to other Mums of boys and they feel pretty much the same. The dirty looks from other Mums - if I get those, I just ignore them, maybe they have perfect children, but if they're prepared to judge me without trying to imagine what it's like to walk in my shoes then they're not worth my time anyway!

[metoo]

I've got 2 boys and the younger one used to be incredibly boisterous. When I only had boy no.1 I used to look at other boys and think 'goodness, how wild!' - I have to say he would never have started a fight or pushed in a line, but then Mr no.2 came along and was so different! I think part of my 'issue' was having to get used to such a different child!
With regards to handling the other parents, I always try to intervene before it gets too far. It is really tiring - you can't just sit and have a coffee - it involves constant leaping up (and I'm sure with 2 other children this isn't so easy). I found that other parents just wanted to see me doing something and I remembered back that if ever my first boy was subjected to another child's 'exuberance' I would feel reassured if the parent acknowledged it or apologised. Having been on both sides I can see that the other parents really appreciate it - it also takes the wind out of their sails!! I've had mums ready to rant and shriek at me and a meek 'sorry' leaves them huffing and puffing and feeling embarrassed!!
Sometimes it felt like I was constantly yanking boy 2 out of play areas - and it seems so unfair on your other children to go home because of 1 child's behaviour. I've found that a minute or two sitting with me, away from the 'action' helps diffuse the situation and calms him down. As the other mum says - it does get better!!

[lulu888]

Couldn't agree more with previous 2 posts.
I have 3 children, one of whom is a boy with ADHD.
He can sometimes be impossible to deal with when we're out at the park etc.
But you really can't spend time worrying about what other parents think - it may well that they have a perfect little family with no "little problems" but for most of us with boisterous little monkeys, it's just not like that!
Ignore them - it's their problem/hang-up, not yours!

[Katherine]

Hi, Sounds like you have your work cut out. I did a Parent Practice workshop, then course and since that a few more workshops.... all most enlightening and very very helpful. I've changed my approach in a number of way ... much less shouting/nagging, repeating resulting in happier more co-operative kids... including 2 boisterous boys. They have a workshop in November specifically about raising boys in Putney - I highly recommend it (and the courses are fantastic).

Good Luck,
K

[twinmum]

You should see the looks you get when you have twin boys! Some days it really upsets me the whole eye rolling thing from other mums. Come on, gimme a break!

Firstly I would just like to reassure you that it isn't just boys. One of my friends with girls was shouted at recently by an over-protective parent on the common when her little girl aged one 'attacked' a boy toddler of around 3 years old.

Then I would say that if the other parents give you a hard time firstly remember that it is their problem, not yours and not your kids, and then I would reply "thank you, I have been training them especially to be as vicious as possible" and hope that shuts them up!

[schmee]

I agree with the posters that say you have to do something - simple groundrules about not hitting, biting etc. Children need to understand how to behave and you need to be watchful to make sure they do. Of course boys will be boys but if they are going to grow up into decent men they need to understand a bit about the effect they have on other people.

[MGMidget]

Yes, I agree that you do need to say something to your boy when incidents happen. I have a boisterous boy too and I think constant tutoring/reminding is necessary to teach right from wrong. Not just no biting and hitting which are obvious 'no nos' but also things like watching out for others in their path,(e.g. not bowling over other children as they are running around), considering other children and letting them take turns etc. So yes, it is often necessary to stay close by and intervene quickly if something is happening that shouldn't. I think this is the only way children learn and if you shrug your shoulders and regard it as other parents problem then you son will think his behaviour is just fine as it is. If it is any comfort, I do think the constant reminding does work and you'll need to do less and less as he starts to take note. Certainly in playgroups I attended when my son was younger the parents that stayed close to their children and intervened when necessary usually had better behaved children.

[ally30_1998]

I agree that dogged, consistant and patient repetition of the rules you have set is eventually effective. Yes its wearing, yes its annoying that you can't take your eye off them for a second, but it doesnt last forever - they soon grow up, although it doesnt feel like it at the time. As for what works - i've always found white wine after 7pm quite effective

[supergirl]

I understand your feeling and I agree with all the previous comments. I would say it is not just boys... I have two girls that have nothing to envy little boys: they run, jump, etc and are very confident physically.

I think constant reinforcement about rules in playgrounds/streets to watch for others and wait for their turn specifically but also to learn to live in society is important. As well as praising and noticing when they have actually behaved properly/followed the rules.
With my girls, the fact that I make sure I notice when they are great means they no longer (or very rarely) need to throw a tantrum or misbehaved in order to get my attention.

When I feel something is coming up, like a previous poster I find that sitting outside the action for a few minutes help... A LOT! I ask her to tell me when she is ready to go back. Sometimes after 2 seconds she says she is ready but most times she actually sits for about 5 minutes.

As for looks from other parents? Well I ignore them but I will always make sure my child apologise to the other child if she is the one who has started something. And I expect the same if it is the other way around. I never sit and enjoy my coffee or my mobile phone; I am always around watching even when I give them some space so they can enjoy without me policing them constantly. That way I am usually on the scene before it all gets bad.

It is not easy!

[BalhamMumWorkingFT]

Firstly, he sounds like a healthy growing boy who will keep you on your toes. There are lots of services out there to help out when you are feeling overwhelmed. I am not saying ANYTHING is wrong with you or him but I can relate to the get me out of here... feeling... Go to your health visitor and ask about any parenting support on offer. Lots of Therapists offer support in this area to help you and family... Good Luck and don't worry... most Mums look at you and can relate rather than judge.

[nvmof3]

I agree with some of the previous posters - the ones who say that you need to be seen to discipline your children and apologise. Mine can be terrors (both sexes) and generally I find that all situations with other Mums can be very quickly diffused by an apology from both me to them and my child to their's. This requires proper monitoring - like others there is no coffee, chat or phones for me. With regards to my children's behaviour, I feel that no method has really worked except for waiting for them to grow out of it and to learn empathy - ie understand that it isn't nice to be mean to other people. My eldest is pretty good now aged 5 with other people but still dreadful with his brother.
Any tips on how to deal with brothers fighting would be gratefully received. Mine share a room and are best of friends, but most of my days start with one or other child coming into my room with a bleeding scratch or bite mark or bruise caused by the other one and they usually have 3 or 4 scraps per day. They are 16 months apart.