Dilemma SIL Post Reply

[ItsMEitsYOUdefinitelyYou]

To give some context my husband is the youngest of three boys. I get on really well with one SIL but my other SIL has long declared herself as the matriarch of the family, or tried to anyway.. to clarify the problematic SIL also has issues with the other SIL (although silver lining I have bonded with my other SIL over it). I’ve personally have gone along with her odd behaviour and crazy demands for many years to keep peace. However, since my husband and I have had children her matriarchal behaviour seem to have taken a dark turn.. after I had my first born I decided to keep my distance for my own sanity because I’d get anxiety even being closer to her. To give you an example, my SIL gets reoccurring cold sores and yet wanted to kiss my newborn baby in the face and just couldn’t accept no for an answer/understand what the problem was, so every time she was around I felt a need to guard my daughter. One day at lunch .. my daughter was sitting on my SIL’s lap, which was already making me feel anxious .. no exaggeration, I turned around for what felt few seconds and by the time I looked back, I caught my SIL feeding my daughter with a metal fork that she had just used. I was horrified.

The issue we have now is to do with Christmas and birthday presents- we’ve decided as a family to exchange gifts just for the kids … my SIL’s gift list, over the years, has contained items such as PS games, watches, days out, particular brand of shoes.
On the other hand, she has repeatedly ignored anything that I have suggested buying: e.g. Zara swimsuits, pjs.. and has only bought 2 birthday presents for my eldest (6) and never any birthday present for my youngest (4) which I personally cannot understand … yet despite all of this she is still very much expecting us to present her children (22 & 15) with anything from their ‘list’.

To clarify she doesn’t have any money problems and I don’t need her presents, plus my girls are still too young to realise they’ve been forgotten but how can she demand presents from us in such an entitled manner?

In summary, my question is: do I pick her up on the hypocrisy of it all or shall I leave it? An opportunity has presented itself to pick her on this behaviour, my husband is keen for me to use this opportunity to clear the air but I’m worried that bringing this up will make matters worse/ruin relations further. On the other hand, if I leave it and she yet again ‘forgets’ to send something for my youngest, I might just see red! Any suggestions are welcomed! Thank you

[RumourMill]

Feel your pain!

I think it's rare that these situations are actually about the issue which is visible, they're almost always a symptom of something else.

Were the siblings competitive as children? Is one much more or much less successful now? Do they have children and are all the children similar in their development goals?

For example, a close friend of mine has a nightmare with their SIL.

My friends son is pretty academic and finds exams a breeze/fun.

Whenever they have Christmas holidays etc together the SIL is always having a go at my friends son for studying. "Don't you ever have any downtime?" "Is it healthy to study so much?" she even went as far to try to "ban studying at Christmas for all our guests" when the son had important exams in the new year.

This was relentless and became a thing to the extent where the MIL actually suggested that the child study in secret to avoid upsetting the SIL (who want hosting!). 

The background, however, is really about sibling competitiveness. The SIL was super academic as a child, my friend wasn't but for their own children the situation is reversed. One is doing Oxbridge, the other on track for apprenticeships. Nothing wrong there but it was really about their own goals for their children and self-image.

I think in your situation I'd explore if there are any underlying issues. Money is often a catalyst. Does she view you or your other SIL as being more competent as mothers/wives? 

As far as the cold sore thing is concerned that's **** evil. I'd call her out over it, really publicly call her out, so that she knows if she does it again it'll be vocalised.

Dress it up as something that you're at fault for but still vocalise it.

In front of everyone, "oooh do you mind not sharing a fork/kissing? An uncle of mine had terrible trouble with coldsores and I'm paranoid our immune system couldn't cope if we caught them."

Do it LOUD and every time and she'll learn.

I hate stuff like that.

Anyway good luck, sounds like a bully...

[Step away]

Delegate the present buying for your husband’s family members to your husband and step away.

[NoodleFan]

I agree with RumourMill - sounds like she has unresolved issues. If she’s the matriarch maybe she feels she’s owed something for all the work she (feels she) put in at some point. Lots of older kids feel the younger ones were spoilt and they got an unfair deal.
Or many she is just extremely jealous.
Not sure you having it out with her will do any good - sounds like she needs therapy.
And cold sores ew….

[Needcoffeenow]

I agree with Step Away! This has become your problem because it is (as is often the case) the s-in-laws who communicate, not the husbands. My s-in-law kept asking us to go on super-expensive holidays with them, leaving me to word the embarrassed refusals. One day I suddenly wondered why I was having to deal with my husband’s wife and asked him to have a chat with his brother. You need to sit down with your husband and have a proper discussion about everything you have written here and hand the problem to him. I’m sure you have enough on your plate without dealing with this!

[Anna2007]

You could do one of three things. Either you could drop some hints about the fact the she never buys presents for your children. You could have a word with her and explain to her that her actions are being selfish. Is she better off than you financially? Third, you could refuse to buy her children any presents. What does your husband feel about this? It seems that he is caught up in the middle.

[ItsMEitsYOUdefinitelyYou]

Thank you all for your reply. Some really good points raised that have made me really think about this situation. Maybe she is feeling insecure/jealous
NoodleFan, I think she does feel like she is owed as as she tends to organise the family gatherings. We’ve probably hosted half as much as she has since having children - we couldn’t host as much when our children were little. This year, we’re more settled as a family, meaning we can look to look to host more. I feel it is even ridiculous that I’ve to justify the lack of hosting on our part, considering we have young children and full time jobs but to her we’re just not pulling our weight.

My husband thinks I should confront her now because my SIL started a conversation about presents, making this is a good opportunity to bring this up. He suggested I ask first if she has ever sent presents for my youngest daughter and then add that we’ve never received any presents (albeit slightly unlikely that for 4 years this has been the case).. no idea how she will react to this.. at best she might lie and say she has been sending things. I’ve asked my husband to speak to his brother but he says that this might come across as odd (as they’re not talking about presents- we, as SILs are) and if we went down the route between brothers then we’d be making this situation out to be a big deal.

(Sorry for the typos!)

[muddyboots]

Many things in your post made me react, poor you for having such a horrid SIL.

I would simply stop buying gifts from her list. Why is she making lists for grown children? If you have a good relationship with her children, buy them something you want to and at your own budget. End of.

Your husband needs to put his big boy pants on and deal with his own sister, not send you to take the potential hit.
I can’t see anything good come from you
Having a confrontation.
Does he not have an opinion about her behaviour, normally when it comes to in-laws the recommended method is to let each spouse speak to their respective families with any issues.

Finally, at the end of the day, the only thing your can control is yourself and your own actions. So do what pleases you and stop trying to please an impossible person. I doubt you would clear the air and that she’d magically become nice. What she’s doing to you is rude, so I wouldn’t worry about appearing rude back.

I also totally sympathise with regards to the cold sore stress.

[muddyboots]

Ps just read it’s your brother in law’s wife!
She’s not your SIL per se.
So the two brothers are most probably scared to cause any drama by either offending their siblings wife or getting into trouble with their own.

Either way, I still thing your husband should me the one to bring to up. As his own brother seems happy to ignore his own nephews/nieces or is ignorant to it all as let’s face it ! Men often manage to escape present giving chores

[ItsMEitsYOUdefinitelyYou]

Muddyboots, thank you - you’re completely correct about bro-in-law, he is lovely but too chilled (and probably wants an easy life at home). Maybe if I was more vocal about the senseless behaviour his wife displays he might intervene more but again, I just can’t bring myself to have such a confrontational conversation.

At least her children can now see the presents are from us. Until a couple of years ago (her youngest was at least 10 now that I think of it) she had this obsession that ALL Christmas gifts for her children had to be from Santa only, so we’d be buying these lovely gifts (as per the list) but we were not allowed to say it was from us. At the time, I thought that was odd but again her kids/her choice. My husband had always done things her way (even before we were together) and even though he didn’t particularly like this he just carried on doing it ..I have to add that these presents were never opened in front of the wider family either, so my husband never got to enjoy seeing the SIL’s kids reaction and excited faces.

[Torcat]

Muddy Boots is right! Just buy your own gifts! I think it is the height of rudeness to ask for anything expensive. I think £25 is more than enough to spend on nephews and nieces. Also there has to come a time when they are adults and you stop, surely. I do have a bee in my bonnet about this subject anyway. On my side of the family they said they didn't want presents for their 5 children, but we do do something more special for their 18th and 21st. We always get a written card as a thank you from them. On my husband's side, we are lucky to get a mere acknowledgement, so Christmas 2022 was the last time I am bothering with them.