Postby Moonlightdawn » Mon Jan 16, 2023 11:06 am
Hi - I can relate to your post in so many ways. Everything you have noted is agonisingly familiar. Over the years our children’s incessant fighting has left me and my husband utterly exhausted and dispirited!
Ours have fought bitterly pretty much since day 1. Dudette in her post makes a very valid point. I do think it helps to have an older girl and younger boy in that order. My oldest, a boy, never got excited about welcoming a “cute” baby sister, treating her like a doll etc.
The timings of the various parenting classes to tackle sibling rivalry never seemed to work for us. So I did some reading and research out of total desperation.
Some useful tips and advice I came across which have helped our family dynamics:
- Have a family sit-down chat and explain how the fighting makes you and everyone feel. Ask the children what they think and jointly discuss solutions / tactics to alleviate the fighting. Validate their feelings and do not use blame. Really listen to their points of view.
- When they have a row / fight, don’t let them “work it out for themselves”. Depending on their age, they haven’t learnt how to resolve conflict on their own. Step in. Now the hardest part: you have to try to keep calm as much as possible. Find your inner compassion - again very tough when they are fighting like mad but it’s there. Hear them out individually. Ask them how they think the situation can be resolved. Don’t force the apology. Say things like “how do you think that made him / her feel?; how will you respond next time; what could you have done differently?”. Use soft, gentle tones.
- Don’t say things like you are the bigger, one, be nice and mature, etc. She’s little, let her have the toy, etc.
- Praise siblings when they have done something nice for each other. Sometimes you have to really really look! Even the smallest, tiniest things or gestures like someone holding the door open for their sibling, getting them a napkin, etc. “Thank you for getting the extra napkin for your brother, that was thoughtful of you.”
- Finally, I am a twin myself and it’s hard work. My twin and I had a tough time with it. It’s not an easy relationship by any means.
Sending you a big hug. I’ve been there and have weeped many times out of sheer exasperation. There’s light at the end of the tunnel and it will get better. And it’s not your fault. PM if you like. Happy to share more tips I picked up along the way.
