Girls who have bullied my daughter now going to her preferred secondary school. What should she / I do? Post Reply

[factor 30]

My daughter has just got a place at her preferred secondary school but yesterday she found out that 2 other girls who have made her life quite miserable over the last couple of years are also heading there. This seems to be unexpected and now my daughter is saying that she doesn't want to accept the place. She worked hard to get it and whilst I appreciate that it is a first world problem I don't know what to do for the best.

Not sure if I should encourage her to go and maybe speak to the school ahead of her starting to make sure that she won't be in their form or whether I should let her go to a school that she doesn't want to go to at all. I am aware that I cannot guarantee anything with regards to these girls but I am thinking that new school, new people she might become way less interesting to them.

If anyone has been in a similar situation and can share what they did and how it went I would be very grateful We are all getting in a bit of a mess here.

[bogtrotter13]

I think it's definitely worth speaking to the school and explaining why you would prefer your daughter to be in a separate class to the other girls - most schools will be understanding about that. We had a similar situation with one of our children and another child and the school were very accommodating. And your hunch that once they're in a new setting, the other girls may well lose interest in being vile will hopefully be proved right - our child was worried about going to school with someone who had made her miserable but they've barely seen the other child since going to secondary and are thriving with a new group of really lovely friends. I would absolutely say that your child shouldn't give up the chance to go to a school they really want to go to just because of these girls. It's also worth saying that children do grow up and it may be the case that some of these girls, if not all, will calm down once at secondary.

[Pigeon100]

Agree with the above poster and also just wanted to say that it doesn’t fall in the ‘first world problem’ joke category. To have your child bullied at school is an awful feeling. You feel so hopeless and useless and it can really be detrimental to the child who experiences it- both long and short term. I would definitely speak to the school without worrying about it being a minor issue, because it’s not. I’d also probably speak to the parents of the girls involved to let them know they really need to put a stop to it….

[CorianderStreet]

This happened to my daughter - she was delighted when she got into her top choice school. She’d been bullied and excluded during Y6 by two girls who’d been her best friends throughout the rest of primary school. At first it looked like they were both going to another local school but then one of them got a place from the waitlist. I was really worried because these girls were being horribly mean (and it carried on right till the end of Y6) so I had a discreet word with the secondary school and she got put in a different class on the other side of the timetable so essentially they never saw each other. Definitely talk to the school and see what they can do

[Speakout]

Just to echo others, my niece was in a similar situation a couple of years ago. My brother had a word with the head and she was put in a different class than the bullies in secondary. She hasn’t had any problems with them since. Definitely worth speaking to the school about it.

[NVG]

Bullying makes my blood boil. Schools really need to do much more to prevent it. Have you spoken to your daughter’s current school? These girls’ behaviour needs to be nipped in the bud now. My son’s school has a zero tolerance approach to drug taking but allows bullies to stay when bullying can cause way more damage to kids’ mental health than smoking cannabis (and I am very anti drugs.) It makes me so angry. You should definitely speak to the secondary school and hopefully they will take a better approach to dealing with this problem. Also if you flag these girls up they ought to separate them so they don’t have safety in numbers.

[TomThomas]

I agree with the above posters, but have a different perspective. Exactly this situation happened with my daughter - we had a school that was probably the top preference, but two girls that had made her last year of primary very unhappy also chose it. On offer holders day I did speak to the school and they were extremely helpful, and would have made sure they were in different classes; however, after much thought we decided she should go to another choice school where she didn't know anyone at all. The girls werent the only reason, but a factor, and i felt she needed a fresh start. This other school was also a smaller year intake and very strong on pastoral care. Now she's settled in well and very happy.

[Greyskies]

If both you and your daughter like the allocated school, I would accept the place unless you have a definite offer at another school you like equally well. I agree with others that you should speak to the new school about the bullying in the hope that your daughter can be placed in different groups at the start.

But there are still almost five months left before primary ends so I would also be focussing on how the current school is managing the issue. What is their anti bullying policy? Are they applying it in your daughter’s case? What steps are they taking to make her feel safe and comfortable in her current setting? What steps will they take to ensure she can make the change to secondary without feeling frightened of these girls? What steps can they take to ensure the allocated secondary is aware of the issue? Do everything in writing. If you do not get an adequate response, raise with the governors. Five months is a very long time in a young lufe.

[happyness]

hi
I agree it should be her choice. I would find out from the school what their anti-bullying policy is and how they enforce it.

Lots of institutions, have policies in place but they aren't enforced or just don't work. From my experience as a parent , its often left up to us to take action ! The head teacher has to deal with it.

The school might need to know what behaviours you are specifically referring to - isolating or ignoring her, name calling, writing notes, physical or psychological stuff
Some school systems, mix up the classes year by year to avoid cliques, this can be unpopular but generally I would have zero tolerance of bullying which is worse imo. Some of the behaviour (for example it continues in the workplace) difficult to pin down , but subtle.
I wonder what her current school are doing about it ?

[factor 30]

Thanks so much everyone for taking time to reply it means a lot. I am glad that you feel she should pursue her preferred school, I do too and many thanks for suggesting that I pick up with her current school too. We have both been so focused on the next step I think that we were almost resigned to a rough ride until the end. Your collective posts have encouraged me to reach out to her current school today. A million thank yous again.

[SWtastic]

This is awful for your child.  My daughter was targeted in Year 6 by her previously close friends.  It was a horrible time for her and really marred the first part of her final year.  I arranged a coffee with the parents of the other children and this was the beginning of the end of her being bullied (it wasn't an easy conversation though but showed me where their children had got their behaviour from!).  I also liaised with the school and between the school and us this showed her that we were supporting her and that this wasn't how friends behaved.  We also talked to her about strategies to deal with different situations to give her more control when they were trying to target her.  One of these was to get her to go up to the girls at the beginning to tell them that she knew they were trying to bully her but that it wouldn't work.  They were stunned by this (anti-bullying is drilled into primary kids so much) and it took a lot of courage for her to do that.  Gradually the support worked so she was able to feel in control and comfortable again at school.
One of the girls went to her secondary school and I spoke to the new school and requested they weren't in the same tutor group etc. without giving too many details.  They were supportive and by then, the "friend" had lost interest and their paths didn't really cross much again.  She made friends very quickly with a lovely new group and was back to being the confident, happy child at school she had been beforehand.  Good luck.

[eb949013]

Definitely not a first world problem!

As much as we want our kids to be resilient and there is a chance in that environment they won't continue to target her, you have to ask yourself if 6 months of anxiety over these bullies, alongside the general worries that come with big school, is worth that place.

She worked hard for it and it would be awful to lose it because of bullies HOWEVER sometimes we have to make sacrifices for our mental health and wellbeing. This is your daughter chance at a fresh start and a happier school experience, I would say alternate arrangements are probably better for the sake of her wellbeing and to save her being anxious from now until September. 

[eb949013]

Definitely not a first world problem!

As much as we want our kids to be resilient and there is a chance in that environment they won't continue to target her, you have to ask yourself if 6 months of anxiety over these bullies, alongside the general worries that come with big school, is worth that place.

She worked hard for it and it would be awful to lose it because of bullies HOWEVER sometimes we have to make sacrifices for our mental health and wellbeing. This is your daughter chance at a fresh start and a happier school experience, I would say alternate arrangements are probably better for the sake of her wellbeing and to save her being anxious from now until September.