Friend's husband is a sexual harrasser Post Reply

[West Side Observer]

Dear all in Nappy Valley,

How wonderful it is that the days are getting longer. And I have a problem which has prevented me sleeping at night.

My husband, me, my friend and her husband all went to a really great couples dinner earlier this year. West End of London. Really Great. The problem is that my friend's husband kept putting his hand on my leg ... and trying to do more 'down there'.

It was not just once, twice, three times but he was at it the whole night. I obviously didn't want to make a big song and dance about it. So I just let him do his thing. I didn't tell anyone else until last night.

I spoke to one of our good mutual friends, and she acknowledged that he did it to her too, not so long ago. Same restaurant. The old pest has been doing it to many people, it would seem. Rumours are afire !

My friend (let us call her the wife of the molester) is really lovely. Really lovely children. Really lovely house overlooking a big public space. Upstanding member of the community. I don't know if she knows or not. Or is living in denial. 

What shall I do?

Confused in Balham

[Jellybeans]

why did u let him do it?

[Luvnyrick]

Exactly agree with jellybeans !!!

[SW11er]

Don’t blame the victim. You didn’t call him out at the time but you defo should now!!

[careful person]

Is this a genuine post ?
.. I can't take the message seriously on first read, it feels like a fishing post or fishy!

[juliantenniscoach]

Is this a genuine post ?
.. I can't take the message seriously on first read, it feels like a fishing post or fishy!

Agreed.  Especially when the same post is listed twice.
 

[Annabel (admin)]

Hi Everyone
Thank you for replying to this post - I wanted to respond as best I can as with regards to authenticity of the post.

Whilst we can never be sure, there are a few things that we look out for to ascertain if a post is genuine or not.

Firstly we look at the email address. I won’t go into details but some email addresses formats are very clearly spam. 

This account does * not* have an email address behind it which would lead me to think it’s spam.

Secondly, the IP address of the account is also a good indicator - some IP addresses are also very likely to be the source of spam - again this is not one of them.

So although I cannot be positive, at first and second glance, it does look genuine.

Any other questions please shout.

A

[Vicki W]

Tell your friend what happened and then decide if you want to report his behaviour to the police.  Your friend is being gaslit by her husband at the very least, as well as his assault on you and others.

[Stickystick]

I don’t think it matters where or how nice your friend’s house is. You’ve got to tell her that her husband is a sex pest. What she does with that information is up to her.

As for those who say “don’t let him do it” it’s not that simple, as all victims of sexual harassment know. But I would get the word out to women he might come into contact with socially so they can be prepared. Forewarned is forearmed.

[Starr]

You should have slapped him and told him to never do that again. Don't feel bad about reporting him to the police. Tell his wife what he did although I suspect she already knows but is living in denial! He's a slimy creep doing that knowing you'd be embarrassed in his wife's presence. Yuck!!

[West Side Observer]

Thanks for all your most kind replies. Especially you, Anabelle.

Sooooo ... I went to my friends house after the school drop-off for a coffee.

And she was running the coffee machine when I told her. I said "your husband touches up other women". She did not even acknowledge me. She said "one sugar, isn't it". I told her that other women had complained. And it was as if we were talking about something completely different. Not even a battered eyelid.

I think it is a combination of her being in denial and probably has had this before. 

I hope she faces up to her sex pest husband.

Not sure what else i can do. Maybe i should go to the police???

[Cinderalla]

Well done on bringing up the issue, that can't have been an easy thing to do. I think that her reaction says it all. She must know and it most likely has been brought to her attention before. Otherwise she would have been upset, angry anything other than calm.

[Notdaft]

I suggest the OP answers why she allowed the 'friends husband' to keep doing whatever he was doing on the night out ?

I find this story about a randy husband, and the suggestion of not even telling the bloke outright (it sounds like he has a reputation in your friend group!) but reporting it to the police? a bit ridiculous.

[elliottmann493]

Given that your friend (the wife) is so lovely and you have mutual friends confirming his behavior, it might be worth having a gentle but honest conversation with her. She might appreciate knowing the truth, even though it will be hard to hear. Maybe try to frame it as concern for her well-being and safety rather than an accusation. Also, I came across this resource that could be helpful if things escalate or if anyone needs professional advice: https://ptsdlawyers.com. They specialize in military sexual trauma, but they might have some useful information or connections for dealing with harassment more broadly.

[muddyboots]

My first thought was ; what do you mean you let’s him do his thing .
However, your reaction was quite normal. Many J Saville victims froze and were so shocked they “let it” happen.

Well done for now speaking about it .
I reckon you’ve got no choice but to tell your friend.
If she knows then it’s her life choice but she can’t unleash him onto unsuspecting friends … come on , I doubt she knows .

It’s awkward whatever happens. You might want to get together with your other friend who has the same experience so he doesn’t convince his wife you are lying etc

Why at awkward mess