How do I deal with daughter's very badly behaved friend Post Reply

[pink pistachio]

How do I deal with one of my daughter's friends who isn't very well behaved.

She is so naughty when she comes to our house, earlier this week she brought a hosepipe (turned on) into the kitchen. When I tried to tell her off l she said that I couldn't shout at her as I was not her mummy and she would tell her mummy that I hit her! (of course I hadn't!).

My husband wants me to stop this girl coming around as he thinks she will be a bad influence on our daughter and is also afraid that she is going to get me into trouble. My daughter will be distraught if I do stop her as she seems to be her closest friend despite only starting school this year. They are in year 2.

The slight complication is that this girl left her last school due to bullying and so I feel a little sorry for her.

Would really appreciate any advice.

[abitdistracted]

I'm afraid I would agree with your husband. Because of her threat to accuse you of hitting her, I would be very scared that, if you displease her for some reason, she can actually accuse you or your husband of this or anything similar out of spite. And yes, I would be also worried that she teaches your daughter to behave and speak to adults in this way.

Does this girl have any other friends? Do you know for sure that she left the other school because of bullying? We had a similar situation in my son's class - there was one boy who allegedly left his previous school because of bullying. In due course, we found out that it was actually him who was the bully and had to leave the other school as he got into so much trouble that he got totally isolated and his parents wanted him to have a fresh start.

Do you know her parents? Do they come across as people who would tolerate this kind of behaviour in their home? Also, might it be a good idea to speak to the teacher and get her advice?

They are still very small and friendships can change overnight. I would distance myself and long summer holidays or even the Easter break can change the dynamics.

[Irene1000]

There are a few alarm bells here.
1) I wouldn’t invite her around anymore - personal response.
2) tell the teacher. The child’s behaviour and reaction is NOT normal for a child of that age. I suspect a safeguarding issue. Eg abuse at home or a mental health issue.

When I was a kid I had a friend/ neighbour who was naughty. Early indicator she was bipolar. I also know a child like this who has been assessed as autistic. School needs to know. Not your place to raise it with parents. The reason she left her school eg ‘bullying’ is most likely a pseudonym for a more complex issue.

[Anna2007]

I would take the girl’s parents aside and broach the subject of her behaviour. Ask them if they have been having any issues at home. Also mention her behaviour to the school and find out if they have been having any issues. Finally, as others have said do not invite her back to your house again.

[NoodleFan]

Very good advice above to speak to your form teacher. I would not raise it with the parents - people can be very defensive and if something is going on there they could start accusing you of stuff.

[Sussexmum]

I am absolutely astonished that you didn't immediately call this girl's mother to ask her to be removed from your house. I would also inform her school. If this child falsely accused a teacher of hitting her, that teacher would be suspended immediately pending an investigation. What kind of lesson is it teaching a child that they can use blackmail to get what they want? I would also warn other parents not to invite this child round or at the very least never to be alone with her. I'm sorry if this sounds a bit harsh but I dread to think what kind of adult this child will turn out to be if this isn't nipped in the bud now. 

[Mummy2014]

None of this little girl’s behaviour is normal or acceptable. Whatever issues she has are not your problem, you need to protect your child and your family. I’m horrified that she has tried to blackmail you. Never allow her in your home again, and keep your daughter away from her. I’d contact the school and let them know what has been happening. Draw a line under her relationship with your daughter now.

[SWtastic]

Please put some distance between your daughter and this girl.  A friend's daughter had a similarly badly behaved new friend who then bullied her into doing things that she didn't want to do and it got her into a lot of trouble.  The new "friend" was quietly threatening the other one, like this girl has done to you but quite blatantly.

Start inviting some other friends around and talk to your daughter about the difference in behaviour and what's acceptable/what's not.  Your daughter may actually feel intimidated by her.

I wonder if you've been told the full story about why she left her previous school?

[Annabel (admin)]

I am posting a reply which came in the form of an email today, the user wishes to remain anonymous.

<STARTS>
I feel uncomfortable with the wording of one of the replies, which says the person/neighbour was bipolar, and then goes on to say someone else had an experience where the child was autistic.  Bearing in mind the previous reply mentions abuse/mental health issues, which is valid, my concern is it puts being autistic in the same boat, and autistic people aren’t manipulative (so wouldn’t threaten to tell their mum something that wasn’t true.)

This is about a young child, and I just don’t feel comfortable with the analysing and pathologising in some of the replies, and stigmatising autism.  It is good advice to speak with both school and the other parents, and maybe together as well? But to say this child might be autistic due to their naughty behaviour is unfair and incorrect - especially as today marks the beginning of autism awareness week.
<ENDS>

Many thanks

A x

[Mum2Girlz]

I’m hoping with these sorts of behavioural issues, the school may already be aware, although possibility not if she hasn’t been there that long.
Is there another parent in your class you can confide in? I would personally want to run this past someone whose judgement I trust, with experience of the children involved and who knows the school and their approach to issues like this. Not least because if she does accuse you of anything, you’ve already told someone what really happened.
And I agree with everyone above, do whatever you can to distance your daughter from her. It sounds like a new friendship, and a terrible influence at a time when your daughter is very impressionable. In Year 2, friendships chop and change. Do the classes at your school get mixed up next year? In which case, a quiet word with the class teacher to ask that they be in separate classes is a good idea.

[muddyboots]

This is beyond the normal level of naughty behaviour for a year 2 child IMO.
Alarm bells indeed!
A child that is threatening you with lies and also shows extreme disrespect to other people’s property is worrying.

Quite simply, don’t invite this child into your home again and discourage any further contact.

You don’t need to upset your child with the reason why but encourage other friendships and just say you are busy if any other invites to hers.

You would hope you could raise what happened with the parents, but you never know… it could just make it worse.

Hopefully the Easter break will be a good start to take a distance from this child.

Not to be horrible, but I would draw a red line under a child threatening me like that.

[Greyskies]

Do you know her parents?

Like Sussexmum I would have phoned them immediately and asked them to collect the child. I would have explained why - poor behaviour compounded by a very serious threat. I would also report this behaviour to the school in case she makes similar allegations there - directed either at you or at one of the school staff. Depending on the parent’s reaction, I would either not allow her round again or I would exclude her for a week or so. 

Obviously the conversation with the parent could be awkward - especially so if you do not know them well. She may repeat her allegation. But IME, the only way to combat manipulative behaviour is to be assertive, open and above board. 

[Cheers]

hi
i would have asked the child why they said that, eg that it's a lie etc .

I'm sure you did, but explain to child why you asked her not to water your kitchen and suggest where else she can usefully hose ;)

Other than that i just wouldn't invite her unless you can deal with her funny comments and illogical behaviour and develop a relationship with the child so she understands the boundaries and can be a better houseguest 😊

[rainycitymum]

I had a similar experience with my son. He had befriended a boy albeit a short period, the child displayed very unusual behaviour. Over the course of the year (this was also during year 2) the boy that he was once friend with was trying to strangle him, kick him in the testicles, slam his head in doors, jump on his back etc. It happened almost everyday. I had gone to the teacher and the reception desk woman many times. He was threatened to be kicked out of football because of his behaviour from his coach. I thought my son was egging him on but after talking to several kids these attacks happened unprovoked. My point is, I probably should have gone to the head teacher from the beginning. We were new here and I didn't know how to deal with these things formally. I also learned this child did this to so many kids and also used it as a threat to have friends since reception. The mother couldn't help him it seemed as when I confronted her, he responded to her with baby talk. He and the child you are speaking of seem like they need help from a higher place and I encourage you to seek as much help and report report report so that this gets handled correctly. We moved from the situation and to this day, now in year 6 - he still deals with the trauma this had on him. While this young girl is not bullying your daughter physically this is a type of bullying and I would worry that this will cross over to other paths. Keep your distance from the girl, don't have her over for playdates and go straight to the headteacher to talk with them about the behaviours. Try to somehow discourage this friendship. My guess is this bullying she had previously was probably something to do with this behaviour she's exhibiting. Luckily for us, when we moved we never experienced something like we did ever again.

Leave a diagnosis to the professionals, it may or may not be something but it's definitely abnormal behaviour and not something you want your daughter around for her own development or for her future safety.

[pink pistachio]

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply to me, it is much appreciated. Sounds as though my husband is right and I am being slightly mad to let these situations go unchecked.
I think that I will definitely speak to school and see if there is any reason for this behaviour. I will also try to organise more play dates with more children to encourage my daughter to have a wider friendship group and if this child does find her way here I'll be more assertive if anything happens and call her out on it so to speak and reach out to her mother immediately. As many of you have said it could cause me some damage if I don't. Thanks again for your replies, they have been very helpful.