ADD Child struggling with friendships Post Reply

[bunny20]

Hi Nappy Valley members. I hope someone can give me some advice. I have just had a conversation with my daughter and she has been in tears over how she is really struggling to make connections and good friendships. She is only 10 years old and the  ADD diagnosis we have is recent.

To describe her she is quiet, reserved and very gentle in her nature. She is not hyper/or has any  behavioural issues. She is very 'day dreamy' and has a tendency to 'live in her own head' a bit but I think that's part of the ADD that she has. She is very kind and would never exclude another child from playing games with her for example or ignore someone who was trying to make conversation with her. However she is experiencing this on a daily basis at school and my heart is just broken at how hurt and down in herself she is about it all.

She has been hanging around with a particular group of 'friends' and probably feels closer to one other in the group more than the others. The 'leader' of this group is considered to be one of the most popular girls in the class and has a tendency to involve the others in the group in her games/ conversation but will very often exclude or ignore my daughter when she tries to join in or talk to her.  She is nice to my daughter on a 121 basis but in a group she is largely ignored and the others tend to 'follow the leader'....  This 'leader' also  will sometimes whisper things to the others at lunchtime and they will all run off to play together and won't let my girl join in or tell her there is 'too many' in the game. She will then stand there and watch others being allowed to join in when she has been excluded. 

She is repeatedly saying things like she is 'unpopular', no-one likes her or is interested in spending time with her and  hates feeling the way she does about herself.  She is also a very anxious child so this is really not helping her feel good .  She literally cried her heart out to me last night about it all and I am desperate to help her in the best way I can. She said no one would miss her if she never went back to school. She said she is 'invisible'.  However she has also asked me not to do anything and will only tell me things if I promise to keep it to myself. 

My child is not medicated for her ADD as she has not had any of the 'typical' traits associated with it so I am looking at other ways I can help her. I wondered if anyone on here could recommend an excellent Child Pyschologist who could possibly help her. I feel we need more than just counselling as she talks to me all the time but I need someone who can help with changing her mindset and looking at these challenges she is experiencing in a different way to give her the confidence to tackle these issues herself and not be so hard on herself. As she is quiet day dreamy I sometimes wonder if she is simply not engaging enough for other children to 'connect' with her. I honestly can't think of anything else that would be causing issues as she is really a lovely child and I have never had any issues in this way with her at school, or on playdates.

I am thinking maybe some CBT (to help with her anxiety also) as she gets very stressed /embarrassed far too easily. She also refuses to leave the house or do anything at the weekends just wanting to be at home.  Her self esteem is very low and I am really worried about the issues that could present in her teenage years if we don't tackle this now.

I would be so grateful for any help/advice anyone could give me and some recommendations of who could possibly help my lovely girl to feel better in herself. Thank you for reading my post. 

 

[The_Brainery]

Hi bunny20,

I was so sorry to read your post.  Have school been supportive with this?  Whilst you can help your daughter, if it's a 'follow the leader' type situation, it won't resolve itself without the other children changing their ways / your daughter exploring new friendship groups. 

I work with lots of children with ADD/ ADHD and would highly recommend workbooks like this one:  There are lots of fun tasks, which help to raise self esteem, etc. Other things like mindfulness / happiness journals are brilliant and less focused on ADD/ ADHD. There are also many great examples of children's storybooks where characters have felt invisible and have overcome this, which could help; or others, which celebrate differences.

If you'd like me to share any further ideas, don't hesitate to reach out: naomi@thebrainery.co.uk

[bunny20]

Many thanks for your response Naomi I have ordered the workbook and will certainly try anything I can. The school have been very supportive and speak so highly of my daughter but they are not aware of the recent issues with exclusion.  However I will speak to her teacher about it but I'm not sure how much they can do. Also if my daughter suspects I have gone to her teacher she will be so upset as she does not want me to 'do anything'... Strict instructions.

What a sad world we live in that all the popular children are often the 'mean spirited' and the gentle souls like my child get pushed aside or ignored...... 

[number28]

Hi Bunny,

I’m responding because you have described my childhood, and that of my eldest child. It’s hard to go through, and even harder to watch. “You’re only as happy as your least-happy child”, said someone wise.

The pattern you describe sounds typical of the Predominantly Inattentive presentation of ADHD, but the Predominantly Hyperactive-Impulsive presentation is more commonly recognised by most people. Both types can respond well to medication.

The self-esteem hit you describe is a major issue, tackling it now is the right time, and a good child psychologist is crucial. That may include group sessions to practice social skills with others in a similar boat, after individual sessions. I can’t help with local psychologist recommendations unfortunately.

“What a sad world we live in that all the popular children are often the 'mean spirited' and the gentle souls like my child get pushed aside or ignored....” I know it feels this way sometimes, but it’s worth keeping in mind that the kids who are excluding her are also working with the limited social skills and frontal lobe development of 10 year-olds, they are not necessarily mean per se (though that does exist too). From experience, being quiet and shy can be mistaken by others as being snooty and aloof. Just realising this doesn’t make it any easier to behave differently though…

The important thing as you say is firstly for her to feel better about herself, and then have a chance of finding friends with common interests, on the same wavelength. Friendships take proximity and time, and even though a quick fix is unlikely most people find their tribe eventually. There are plenty of kids like this out there, but being quiet and ‘day-dreamy’ means they tend not to notice each other!

Things that may help with feeling better and friendships are to encourage her into any hobby or interest she has, so she feels good at something, and can meet others who share this interest. I’d strongly caution against her looking for ‘friends’ online, it’s the wild west out there (especially Roblox - my kids have had some decidedly suspicious interactions there, and even a very smart child or teen can be tricked by a dodgy adult).

Psychologist input and medication for the ADHD really helped my child, but getting a cat was the first immediately beneficial move - a friend who was always nearby.

The current school might be able to help by seating her in class with a child from outside her friendship group who they think will work well with her. Hopefully they already have an evidence-based whole-school wellbeing/positive psychology programme. These don’t single out any specific child, but aim to explicitly explain to all kids how some behaviours can be hurtful to others, and give them alternative helpful behaviour suggestions, with a focus on everyone learning better social skills, empathy, and resilience.

A drastic measure for friendship issues is to change schools for a fresh start (it worked for me accidentally in primary school and again high school, when done deliberately for that reason), and I’d be thinking ahead to a high school where the other kids are more likely to be her type, and have interests in common.

All the best, well done for being there and advocating for her, and do look after yourself also.

[bunny20]

Hi 28

Thank you for your detailed message. 

To make a start on this we are going to try and find a therapist/psychologist who can help with confidence and self esteem issues and help our girl to build her resilience as she is both a very sensitive/anxious child. 

As she is going into year 6 in September I too am hoping that when she goes to Secondary school and has matured a bit more she will be able to find her 'tribe', like minded individuals who treat her with the respect she deserves. I am also trying to encourage her to mix with other children in her class to make new friendships.

Thank you for replying to my post. I am sorry that both you and your daughter had the experience my daughter is currently having and I found your post so very helpful and positive!

All the best to you both. x 



 

[curly]

I can only reiterate what the previous poster has said.

Don’t overlook the benefit of medication. It literally turned my sons life around and he was able to make friends. It was a joy to watch the difference.

Good luck with whatever you decide

[broodje]

Have you considered medication? You are saying she is not medicated as she doesn’t exhibit “typical” traits? What ARE typical traits in your view? Daydreaming/anxiety are definitely typical traits in girls. If you mean she is not hyperactive, girls seldom are - that’s why in the past they were missed diagnostically. Anyway, therapy is helpful but if the brain is wired differently and neurotransmitters are not “behaving” , therapy alone won’t fix it. We have positive experience with medication, life changing even and so do many of acquaintances. The road to get the right medication and the right dosage can be a long one, it’s completely individual and unpredictable.

[Dazzle]

Hi bunny20

I could have almost written that post myself. My daughter is a bit older (y9), but struggling in the same way with making friends and feeling invisible. It is so heartbreaking - we have tears on a daily basis. She is thoughtful, caring and kind but somehow seems to miss the mark with others her age. She has CBT to help with anxiety which could be caused by or be the cause of this. It has helped a little so might be worth a try? I have my antenna out wondering if my daughter may have mild autism. Either way, I was wanting to reach out and say that you're not alone. 

I wonder if classes on socialising or relationship building might be helpful? But am mindful of "correcting" her which surely would deepen her lack of self esteem. Does anyone have any experience of this?

 

[cmb_coaching]

Hi Bunny20,

Always breaks my heart hearing parent's concern over their children experiencing what your daughter is going through. Unsure if you've found the right person for your daughter to be supported by as yet.

This is exactly the work I do with 10-19 year olds, building their self-esteem, helping them navigate healthy friendships whilst learning how to assert their voice and boundaries as well as expressing themselves. 

I work from a strengths-focussed approach. I offer complementary parent consultations as for your daughter - the child always gets to make the ultimate decision as to whether they work with me. I'd love to connect with you and schedule this if it's something you're still looking for.

The kids and parent's I work with really see/feel massive changes. It's really my passion to support young people in this way.

You're welcome to email me info@cmbcoaching.co.uk or have a read about what I do and schedule our session yourself here.

Happy to answer any questions, thank you for being so open already, I can hear how much you're supporting your daughter.

Warmly,
Charlotte