In-laws never offer to have the children Post Reply

[Stars and Stripes]

I would love some advice on how I can encourage my in-laws to step up and have my two toddlers occasionally to help us with childcare. They live in a lovely house with a garden in Esher so very near and are recently retired. They were delighted to tell the world that they would be grandparents, but disappointingly haven’t ever had them stay overnight or even taken them off our hands for a day so that we can have some time together. We have full-time childcare, and it costs us an arm and a leg so we could really do with them offering or better still offering and then not cancelling at the last minute which is their other trait. Despite the suggestions, it’s just not happening and it is really starting to make me mad.

[2009Kat]

You can't make them "step up" I am afraid.  I would just cut your losses and accept it for what it is without expecting anything from them.  My inlaws are the same - I was quite surprised as well but to be honest we tried and then haven't bothered asking since. Some grandparents are very hands on, others are not.  There is nothing to say grandparents have to help.  One friend's parents just say that they have done their parenting bit and they won't be helping out bar emergencies.  In fact, most people I know do not have help from grandparents (although that may just be who I know...).
So we accept our lot, pay for childcare and crack on.  And actually it has become apparent that my inlaws are pretty useless with children and have their own plans for their retirement that do not involve helping out with the grandchildren.....

[Red hair and freckles]

I feel pretty let down by mine too especially as my MIL seems to insist on appearing like a perfect nanny mc phee whenever there is an audience. She openly told us that they didn't have the time to do much which actually meant anything at all and like yours are both recently retired.
What is worse in our case is that they seem very insistent that their only son (my husband) is available to help them whenever they need him. Maddening!!

[muddyboots]

It’s evident you are desperate for a break, it’s however not a given that your in-laws will be there ready and waiting for you to dump your dear children and run away with the engine still running

I think it’s OK to ask for the odd baby sitting session, but less so to expect retired parents or in-laws to take on small kids for a weekend if not willing to.

Some do and love it, some want to but are too tired or simply don’t want to. It’s really lovely when it works out, but it’s a bonus not to be demanded.

For me sadly, I don’t even bother asking my MIL to baby sit as she’s literally causes me more work than help .
It becomes a weekend of me cooking for her and entertaining the next day, making bed and cleaning bedsheets just for an evening of baby sitting… rather pay a sitter and be done !

She doesn’t manage the kids well… I don’t blame her , I just don’t ask her often as not really worth it .

[dimelda]

You have 'full-time childcare' ... yet you still want your in-laws to undertake childcare duties!!  You have no right to expect them to do this.  They've done their bit by bringing up their own children - why should they now look after yours!  Irrespective of whether they're retired or not, they have a right to their own life, & to do the things that interest them --- which, in your in-laws' case, is clearly not looking after children.  I don't blame them.  This expectation that grandparents will forever be on call to look after grandchildren frankly beggars belief.

[Starr]

It is often in laws of the mother grandparents that don't like to help and have "done their bit". I do wonder why that is. A little goes a long way to ease the pressure for working parents and they know that.
I wouldn't bother getting upset about it. The toddler phase which is exhausting will pass and they will have lost an opportunity to bond and they will be aging and won't be able to do much as years go by. As children head towards their teens they won't suddenly bond with a grandparent.
You have my sympathy but lower your expectations and pay a sitter.

[Balhamqueen]

Like many people around here, we haven't had any grandparents to help either. My mother in law used to come to visit from time to time but never help and needed to be waited on, even when I had a newborn. My mum wanted to be helpful but she lives abroad and, whenever she came over, she was more of a project than help really. You can't expect grandparents to help if they don't feel like it and you can't put any pressure on them. They've raised their children. Help would be nice but you are not entitled to it. Toddlers are exhausting. They might still wake up in the middle of the night, need nappy changes, special meals - not all grandparents can cope easily and happily with it. It really is an exhausting stage and sounds like you would want them to commit to regular childcare to "ease the childcare costs pressure"? I'm currently dealing with two totally exhausting boys and I can't wait to have the freedom and energy to do something for myself. As a grandparent in the future, would I want to commit to longer or regular childcare...? I'm not so sure. Be there for emergencies and other support - absolutely

[Tia10]

Completely agree with others. Grandparents have done their duties, let them relax, travel as they wish!
Best to have zero expectations and anything above is a bonus.
I have no plans to help with my grandkids. My work is done once my kids fly the nest 🤩!

[Starr]

I totally get that grandparents don't want to help but being waited on when they visit as well as deciding when they visit when you have small children isn't feasible either. It took me a while to break that expectation. It cuts both ways- so do be more firm on your expectations and on do things on your own terms.
Good luck and hope you get a break soon!

[Peggs55]

Morning ,
My apologies but i haven’t read all the responses.
I do understand . it is hard not to build up a resentment. I am surrounded by my friends , local families in our road, school mums, using their grand parents for help and support . i see it most school run days
I’m often having conversations with Mums on the school playground , how they had another holiday / weekend away without children as the grandparents have them. i smile and i’m polite back . But inside i’m incredibly jealous

Unfortunately my parents when they were alive , weren’t fit enough or able (due to alcohol dependency) and my mother in law who is re married just doesn’t want to
I’m often cooking and hosting her.

It’s really easy to be annoyed, but i found once i just simply accepted we do not have this option. I found it easier for myself to move on from it.

But it is hard. there is no denying this. I feel like i will be well in my late 50’s time to get to have a child free weekend away with my husband .

Just the way it is ….

[Muddy boots]

Do not for a second let some of the disgusting replies trying to make you feel bad at wanting help put you off. It’s very likely your husbands parents or your parents had help from their own parents and are too caught up in their own lives to see it. We are in the same boat as you and find it incredibly frustrating. Two fingers up to those here who don’t see the community support from family should actually be somewhat expected from time to time. We don’t hVe childcare and don’t have the money, my husbands parents retired at 30 after making bazillions and spend their time traveling to their many holiday homes and suntanning and playing golf. My parents live in another country. So yes, the help would be bloody nice from time to time. We also just visited their parents who made it clear they took my husband his siblings for multiple weeks at a time when they were young so his parents could travel. No favors returned.

I agree though- gotta learn to deal with the feelings and not expect it bc it’s likely not happening if it hasn’t since.

[muddyboots]

Rather similar username …!! Muddy boots