Awful SIL making me dread extended family Christmas Post Reply

[M6 Girl]

I've read a few family related posts on this site and really hoping that someone can offer some words wise words.

Unlike many of my close friends who enjoy visiting their extended families, such get-togethers fill me with dread.

Together with my husband's extended family, we are set to spend a ‘festive' seventy-two hours at the opposite end of the country. I will spend the journey running through the recurring experiences of being subjected to personal attacks during these family reunions mostly at the hands of my sister-in-law who is a confident and successful woman, not shy of telling anyone who will listen that she leads an enviable life. I left my job after starting a family, embracing a more free spirited approach.

Unfortunately, I always find myself doing or saying not quite the right thing, causing me considerable stress—especially as no one seems to help me out. To add insult to injury, my sister-in-law actively engages in exclusive 'in jokes' with her other sister-in-law.

I put up with the situation for the sake of my husband and our children's enjoyment of bonding with their cousins.

I would however really appreciate hearing others' perspectives on how best to cope with or address this situation. Christmas is still 3 weeks away and I already have a knot in my stomach.

[muddyboots]

Nobody should have knots in their stomach thinking about Xmas .

From what you wrote, I can’t help but wonder how much of this is about you and your own confidence.
The way you describe her as being successful and apologetic about your own choice to not work.
We are responsible for our own feelings, if she is making you feel a certain way it’s because you are allowing her to. Only you should dictate your emotional space and by feeling the way you do you are handing over control.
Go into Xmas positively, your husband is there, your children are there and make the most of it . Try to enjoy it .
As for the odd in-joke … ignore it or just say “what was that?” Making a point your didn’t get it .
You could also stand up for yourself by making it subtly knows you didn’t appreciate a comment she makes. I say subtly it’s Xmas and you don’t want to start WW3 at this time .
Good luck but remember: why give her this power over you??!!
Think her stomach is in knots ??
Doubt it .
Think of a confident time in your life and remember who you were, carry yourself and remember your own worth .

[chorister]

I hope no-one works out my identity ................

We have exactly the same problem, except that I'm the husband and my wife has - and has had for years - simmering issues with my sister in law, though not to the point of her being 'awful'.  Based on over 40 years of being married I'd say three things - firstly, honestly, none of us is responsible for our own feelings - feelings, emotions just well up, often incoherently and seemingly out of nowhere.  They do pass - both the good ones and the bad ones.  Secondly, it's pretty unlikely (though not impossible) that your SIL Is deliberately upsetting you - there may even be things about you that she finds difficult.  In the end we just have find ways of rubbing along together and try not to play power games with each other.  And finally, this is one of the things you've got a husband for - I know is huge detail all my wife's gripes about my SIL, and she makes it plain that being able to tell me helps a lot, so do try it.  I wouldn't dream of saying what I gripe to her about ......

I hope this helps a bit - and that you surprise yourself and have a lovely Christmas and New Year.

[muddyboots]

Chorister,
I know it might seem odd, the concept of owning your feelings.
People protest and say, “but hang on, so and so was being a total cow” etc
The point is, for personal growth, we need to accept that we can’t change others. We can only control ourselves and how we choose to react.
It’s not easy, but instead of suffering we have choices . How we interact or how we choose to ignore things.

It’s not always it works, but I feel the next step for most people who get triggered and say he/she made me feel this.
Often our own issues attribute to how we react to others around us.

[chorister]

Probably not really for this thread - I was just trying to help the OP from my own experience - but it's an interesting debate.

But if you think about it - do you really, seriously think you 'own' you own feelings, in the sense of controlling them?  You must surely have experienced emotion just welling up in response to some stimulus.  All we can do, after the event, is rationalise and understand the emotion and try to get some perspective on it - though in practice it's often easier just to shrug and move on rather then overthink it.

I no longer know what 'personal growth' is or why it's such a holy grail.  We have to live with hundreds of other people - in my case in know for sure that some of them change and influence me, and I'm pretty sure that in some cases I've infuenced them.  I doubt if I'm unique.  That's just life, as is suffering, however much we try to minimise it.  And sometimes we even have to choose between accepting suffering or hurting someone else eg by keeping one's mouth shut when really one wants to 'win'.

[muddyboots]

Yes, interesting debate, even if off toplc.

I just wanted to clarify.
I hope the OP manages to survive Xmas.

Perhaps I should have said we own our reactions. There is always a choice, even if it doesn’t always feel like it in the moment.
It easier and more comfortable to blame the person who makes your blood boil but often our reactions have a lot to do with us and our own triggers.
And of course, sometimes people are just idiots

[chorister]

Ah yes, we can definitely agree that sometimes people are just idiots - as long as we remember that we are part of “people”!!

[Familyfued]

Sorry to hear that you are having such a difficult time with family visits. I had about 10 years of awful ones and it took a stranger commenting on the way my in laws treating me for them to take notice and change.

It’s hard to know exactly what the issues are from your original message but they seem to centre around work and being a working mother? It isn’t always easy being a working mother.. As young girls were told we can have it all but the reality for many women is they genuinely end up carrying it ALL. This can feel overwhelming and often leads to people feeling like they’re falling short at work, at home, and socially. Perhaps her boasting is her way of trying to compensate for that, and actually comes from a place of insecurity.

You also say that you often say the wrong thing which leads me to wonder whether you are saying things that may feel like criticism to her? Perhaps as you both try and justify your different life choices to one another, it reads as if you are criticising each other?

If you’re genuinely interested in salvaging the relationship, it may be worth just taking an interest and reaffirming her. You could tell her how much you admire her, and ask her more about the things she talks about.

As others have said, keeping focus on your family helps. I often see time with my in laws as an opportunity to have a break from childcare. I pack a good book and take breaks from the intense interactions to have a little lie down and recharge. We’re all much happier for it.

Wishing you all the best for the holidays! <3

[Peggs55]

My apologies I haven’t ready all the responses.

I am also absolutely dreading Christmas .It’s a crazy amount for effort for little or no return in enjoyment.

I won’t go into the detail , but you are but you are not alone .
I have however booked a spa day with my university best friend which i have booked on Dec 29th, which will
help me
massive get through christmas .

[Xox]

The internet is littered with quotes about family. I like this one… “You don’t get to pick your family, but you can pick your teachers and you can pick your friends and you can pick the music you listen to and you can pick the books you read and you can pick the movies you see. You are, in fact, a mashup of what you choose to let into your life”

Clearly you’re not alone so if it’s hitting you hard on the day when the daggers are flying, close your eyes for a second and connect with the thousands of others experiencing the same emotion.. smile and remind yourself of the things and people that you love and who love you.. at the end of the day, she’s just annoying and unkind.. and that’s not for you to fix

[NVNV]

    

[Whatever]

I sort of agree with muddy boots and sort of don’t. It feels too absolute too suggest a Nil Desperandun, don’t let them bother you approach. This would suggest that every person who is bullied (as that’s what this is) whether adult or child, just needs to not let it bother them. Unfortunately we are not robot(sometimes I wonder would the world be a much simpler place if we were) but as individuals we are a mass of feelings constructed from our own personal histories. Yes we can learn how to respond in a way that looks after us as best we can - but we can’t really feel unhurt when attacked unless we have a wall of steel defence system who can bring its own issues
Often the ‘bully’ is the one that was bullied when young, or felt very insecure. I wonder what is in the history of your husband and his sister that has put you in a situation where all this bad feeling is being projected onto you? That aside, where is your husband in all this? Can you talk to him about what it’s like for you at these gatherings? Ask him for some support? Knowing someone has got our back in these situations can be very helpful. I’m almost tempted to suggest you reach out to your sister in law ahead of Christmas and tell her what you have just told us - edited obviously- but how stressful and upsetting it is for you and how you wished you had a better relationship. But if you think it would make things worse it’s something I would urge you to do in the new year - it’s not right you have years of this to come. Best of luck xx

[supergirl]

Hi @m6girl

I agree with @muddyboots.
I stopped work when my 1st child was born then shortly after my second. I started freelancing when the 2nd one started reception.
I have been raised by a successful mum who sold her business 5yrs ago, and I have 2 siblings who are incredibly successful, my husband is too and his sisters are all very successful in their own way. Plus their mum and dad are such deity that nothing can be said about them.

For years, I felt a mixture of envy (they all are successful), of inferiority (somehow i felt they were looking down on me), of resentment (being a glorified cleaner), of sadness (I am ambitious and i felt i had lost myself), and pure happiness (to be able to raise my children and see them grow). It was hard.

Until I turned 40, survived a cancer and decided to f..k it and start understanding and accept my mixed emotions.
I know for a fact that people can be mean and can bully (I was bullied when younger). But I also know that I didnt have to accept that the words those people were saying could hurt me. I didnt have to accept that they could have this power over me. I also at the same forgave my bullies.
I do believe I was a target because of low self esteem, and all those emotions I felt when with my sisters, mother and sister in law was my doing. I let their words and attitude affect me.

So I started to speak up for myself. I realised in that process that most of them were jealous that I took the plunge and resigned. They would have loved to be there with their children. In the process, I have worked my self esteem up - i live my own life: friends, exercises, holidays and networking to further develop myself intellectually. And now I have started my own business.

What I am saying is it doesnt have to be this way. You have made the courage decision to forgo a lot of yourself to raise a family, they have made the courage decision to juggle a family and work. You are ALL successful in your own way. Do not let those feelings ruin your self esteem and Christmas in the process. Book yourself a spa day afterwards to five yourself a pat on the back.
But you have the power. It took me 10yrs to get there but now I have a wonderful realtionship with them all but for short time. 3 days is enough for me

Good luck

[Sweety]

Agree with above poster that your husband should be the main one interacting with her and you take a more back seat.
The problem is you don't like your partner's sister who sounds rather overbearing. He chose to marry you and you aren't in this mould.
I wouldn't get drawn into spats and if you see her rarely I imagine highlighting your personality clash is less advisable than trying to see where you could possibly agree.
If you are not prone to anxiety and you are suffering this much then perhaps try some CBT so it all gets put in an easier perspective .Maybe she has issues trying to prove herself to you, for example. Good luck hope it works out better in long run.

[Happymummy2014]

Poor OP - Christmas isn’t always a time of good cheer, and I am sorry you are dreading it.
Wearing my mediator hat - I sometimes do conflict coaching for one person in a dispute/difficult situation where the other won’t mediate - can I suggest a few things? Some of these echo what others have said:
- It’s true that no-one can ‘make’ you feel something, although they might hope you would react in the way you do. Of course everyone has their own reactions and feelings, but there are a few tricks you can try in order to manage them.
- It’s also really human to speculate on why someone is doing something (they are doing it on purpose/they don’t like me/etc) and whether they will do it again. You can’t know, so all that does is let her occupy your mind even while she isn’t doing anything (like now, in the run-up to Christmas). So, if you feel yourself speculating about why/when/will it happen again, draw on your inner Elsa and ‘let it go’.
- Identify a few things that you like doing, or which give you a moment of calm/happiness/pleasure. It might be having a cup of tea, a particularly good book you want to read, going for a walk, or a really bad joke book that you can dip into and make the kids laugh. If you feel your SIL beginning to upset you (either over Christmas, or occupying your headspace in the run-up before you see her), do one of those things immediately. Don’t excuse yourself, just turn away and put the kettle on/tell the kids a silly joke/go and have a bubble bath/etc. The point is partly distraction, but it’s also just choosing to do something you like rather than tolerating something you don’t like.
- I’ve heard about, but never used, a tool which sounds quite helpful. If someone is actually rude or aggressive to you, especially in front of others, and you can’t do one of your chosen activities, try this instead. Take a decent pause at the end of their rant/sentence, maybe look around if there are others there, then look calmly at them and say sympathetically “are you ok?” (Or something very similar). It is really hard to carry on ranting in the face of a calm question which points subtly to your behaviour but is not accusatory.
Sorry for a long message. Good luck, and I hope you have a much happier Christmas this time.