Awful SIL making me dread extended family Christmas Post Reply

[ItsMEitsYOU]

Hi,

As you’ve read your post resonates with many other people.. I posted on here about my SIL too, similarly to you I’ve had to endure many years of anxiety and stress before any family event but also the family WhatsApp group!

What does your husband say about this? Is he close enough to his sibling to discuss? .. reason why I’m asking is that the situation for us changed after we had kids and my SIL behaved in manner which couldn’t be ignored anymore. My husband eventually realised that he had to step in and did so by having a candid conversation with his brother. This conversation happened before the summer holidays and even though the brothers met up, we’ve only just had our first ‘whole’ family do (around 18ppl) which was lovely- don’t get me wrong I didn’t spend much time with her but I felt good about the day. To be fair to my SIL , she owned the situation (as much as one can expect from someone like that), she realised that she had to change and was pleasant on the day- of course there wasn’t any acknowledgment or any apologies but after years of having to endure her shocking behaviour I’m happy to put it all behind me and have a nice family environment.

Someone above mentioned that you might be feeling a bit insecure (sorry if I’ve misquoted the person).. I’d say maybe she’s insecure and unhappy about something in her life.. could that be it too (She’s battling something)? Not that this us an excuse but sometimes you can get your head around that a bit… although whilst I’m typing this to you, I know that I couldn’t feel any sympathy towards my SIL, just at the injustice of it all. The roles are reverse in my situ, I work, my SIL doesn’t .. pre-kids, she said I was abandoning my husband when I was away for business even if she relocated to another country every holiday (without her husband!)…Some people just want to be difficult regardless of what their status..after kids. she would regularly mention I should do the ‘right’ thing and give up my job because we can afford it.. I honestly don’t know why some people live their lives butting in things that aren’t their business but here we are!

Good luck with it all..

[Flowermummy]

I feel for you OP!

Have you considered if you really want to do this for xmas?
I get it, family you don’t get to choose, but do you really want to spend xmas like that?
We have been going away to a warm country for xmas since a few yrs ago, and it’s really lovely not to have to spend xmas with family you may not necessarily love.

May not suit everyone , but if it’s not pleasant, why waste your time?

[Heavens to Betsy]

Eleanor Roosevelt once said -

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

Worth remembering in all situations.

[Pluto]

Please be assured you are absolutely not alone. I am in a very similar position, and am equally dreading Christmas. Everything you say resonates with me too. After every get together with my SIL I am left feeling totally inadequate and useless about my life.

She just has an unsaid way of putting me down, and despite what anyone says, it's very hard to rise above it. I lead a busy and fulfilled (and happy!) life raising my family, but am not working at the moment. She also has a family but is self employed and runs her own business. Every time I see her she asks me when I'm going to get a job, and is extremely competitive comparing what my children are up to (extra curricular activities etc) with hers. Our respective children have different schooling backgrounds too (private and state), so that compounds issues further. Whenever I talk to my friends about it they say she has a massive inferiority complex.

It always takes me a few days to decompress after seeing her, but the feeling she leaves me with is always the same, however hard I try not to let it get to me. It's very hard for other people to relate unless they are in the same shoes, and I really feel for you - sending a big hug! Hang on in there - probably like me you will be breathing a huge sigh of relief by the 1 January that you have endured and survived yet another tricky Christmas, and somehow got through it. Remember that Christmases will be different one day, as life and circumstances change.

[M6 Girl]

I cannot thank everyone for replying and making me feel so much better about myself and the holidays. The advice here is wonderful. I shall be calling my sister out if she gets bitchy, I will be feeling proud of my choices and I will be asking my husband to have my back. I will also make an effort with both of SIL's. A million thank yous you are all wonderful.