Retired MIL doesn't help and overstays her welcome. Post Reply

[Hubble]

Can anyone offer some advice on how to navigate a recently retired mother in law popping in to stay repeatedly. She comes on her own , my father in law passed some time ago and doesn't come to help, she does the odd bit of washing up but she is just there, invading our privacy and creating work for me.

She doesn't assist with childcare or even play with the children although she will read to them. The most frustrating thing is that she comes to stay on days when we are both going to work - mornings are already chaotic getting the children to nursery and ourselves out of the door and to be honest she just gets in the way.

I don't want to mean, I know that she is probably working out retirement etc, but at the same time I feel that I need to manage the situation before I say something I regret.

Any suggestions much appreciated.

[Flowermummy]

Ohh I feel for you.
Does she call in beforehand to check if she can come?
If yes, I’d suggest you just tell her days when she is welcome and when can’t have her over.
I’d also think you and your husband need to agree on this beforehand and that he should be the one communicating this.
That’s how we do it - not wanting to be unwelcoming to my MIL, but it is extra work, we both work/have children to look after etc. So it falls to my husband to talk to her as to when she can come to stay.

[cyprus19]

We have found it really hard to get the right boundaries with grandparents and our children / home. Sometime I feel like my parents and in-laws forget that they are guest in our home and it’s not an extension of their own….

However the reality is that while they are a guest it’s a different sort. Most guests wouldn’t come uninvited and those who are friends wouldn’t dream of not offering to look after themselves while the morning rush is on but for some reason parents / in-laws never do…..

I’ve found that when my parents or in-laws retired they don’t have a clear plan of what to do with their time and the easy answer is to get on train etc to go and see the family…..

As our family live out of London this means they need to come and stay for at least one night often with pets!

Over the years I’ve found that it best to put some really strict boundaries in place so that everyone knows where they stand. Eg for the age my children are now it’s really disruptive if grandparents stay during the week during the school term. So we just say this isn’t possible except under exceptional circumstances. When the children were younger I was really strict about lunchtime naps and bedtimes. This has caused countless family arguments but the few times when we have bent the rules or family and we have all seen that the fall out of crying kids etc isn’t worth it.

I’d get your husband to frame the conversation with you MIL about the best way she could help you with the children. Perhaps he could suggest to her that you agree a regular day / time that she visits and asks that she takes the lead with childcare for that day. Allowing you and your husband to go to work while she gets the children to nursery etc potentially she could even run tea time / bedtime.

It may be that you have to write off domestically how you want things to work but at least you get some extra help with the kids that day.

Even if extra help with childcare isn’t something you need you could find something else. I’ve found that particularly with my mother in law it’s better to say what you need her to help with rather than assume she knows.

After all that she may say no - but at least by asking / suggesting the regular visiting day. It may have sowed the seed with her that perhaps the current situation can’t continue.

Good luck!

[Mikeydon]

I suggest you either tell her exactly how you feel or don’t open the door when you don’t want to see her,the only other option is to just tolerate her unwanted visits and stay overs.

[Benice]

Agree most of the in-law issues should be dealt with by the partner .

Also think about how you would like to be treated, when you reach the same age and the cycle repeats.

Older people might feel a bit redundant and can be helped by suggestions or clearer requests but most dislike bad atmosphere and arguments or a negative 'in-law' dynamic playing out.

[muddyboots]

Assuming she’s well and able I would say something like “now you are here it’s great we will get some help with the children”.
To make the penny drop that you’d like her support and not just added load.

Sometime people underestimate the drain of having to host a person even if family.

Or right out ask her to help with specific tasks or even leave her to babysit and go out for a meal.
If she doesn’t like it , she won’t be coming back so often.

Most importantly, as you said, do your best to not hurt her feelings.

[Anniesmate]

I have a son and one day I will be a MIL. However much my MIL annoys me, I zip it and behave in a gracious manner knowing someday I will be old and my family will find me annoying.

[SW4Mummy1]

Defo for your partner to deal with... does he feel the same?