how to manage other half giving up his job for mine Post Reply

[littlepea]

I’d be interested in insights into how any of you have managed prioritising one partners career over the other and any lessons you could share?

I work in professional services (35 F) and have just made equity partner level. We’re now at the stage where my partner (35 M) could stop work if needed and there are some obvious benefits:

1. as the higher earner I can focus on my career and earn hopefully more in furture
2. ⁠our house admin and general lives will run easier with one person focusing on it. Right now we negotiate every month on who will do what (car services etc)

However, how did you manage the money-side? Did it make you respect your partner less? Did they lose a sense of self?

I am pregnant, and I know everything could change, but our plan is for me to go back to work quite quikly but OH to focus on childcare.

Please no judgement comments, just want to know how you managed it and what problems you had.

Thanks!

[LunaLuminary]

Sit down together, talk finances, and make a plan. Show appreciation for each other's contributions. Encourage your partner to maintain personal interests. Keep communication open and flexible. Best wishes with the pregnancy and your career journey!




 

[Kb38T]

Another option to explore would be to hire someone to help you with the home management. For us, we both valued our careers enough to prioritize both working and hired help to clean weekly and do our laundry/ironing. Of course there will be give/take, especially when the baby is young.

[ceecee12]

I think in the situation you both have to consider the benefits of the other giving up their job. Would your husband be happy and fulfilled raising your child? It’s not particularly about the stereotypes of who should be the breadwinner but more about the fulfilment of each other’s roles. Consider that your partner or husband may have gone to university and studied, works their way up to the point in their career where they are also. Do you have the same feelings in regards their career plan or are you happy for them to take a backseat and be the one to raise the children.

I think it’s wonderful that you have worked up in your role and now about to have a baby. Don’t forget that you also have a responsibility as a parent and that even though your partner would be staying at home it’s important that you built that same bond with your child , the best relationships come from understanding and sacrifice in one area or another to support your family.

my dad raised me as a single parent and I saw determination, sacrifice and endless love and affection. There was a huge lack of relationship with my mum which has impacted the way that I parent my own children myself. I’m a single parent and have just built up my career to become a midwife in some way. I see what you mean and I am not the stay at home type. I consider this now that I will only need to be flexible for so long and then when my children are older, I can move into a more senior old and perhaps move away. The ability to make these choices come from experience and sacrifice from my end.

I wish you and yours the best of luck and congratulations in advance. X

[Anniesmate]

Read the book Love is not Enough by Merryn Webb. It’s aimed at women but will apply equally to men who give up careers for a partner. You need to think about his pension contributions, loads of things. It does sound so tacky talking about money but you might want it clear up who pays what and is responsible for what before they become issues.

[Mum2Girlz]

Congratulations on your success, and it’s wonderful that your partner is so supportive and prepared to put his career on hold, or even give it up, to support your new family.
I did the same for mine, so hope some insights 10 years on might help.
Firstly, with the cost of living and childcare, these decisions are more common and not always by choice. We also get to a point when starting a family that one may have begun to resent the relentless pressure and long hours of our own careers, and be more than happy to give it up to raise a family.
My only words of caution would be about how that person then goes on to view themselves, we don’t realise how much our careers are woven into our identities, so be sure they’ve considered that.
And for your part, to make sure you continue to value their contribution as equal, because it is, and tell them so.
I don’t regret giving up my career, which I’d worked hard for and been successful at, but I wish someone had told me that it would affect my self esteem and sense of self worth. Which is what you’re worried about.
Another thing to think about, having seen female friends in your position, is whether you need to make this decision now or can delay it, as I felt very differently once I’d had my children, that was when I chose to give up work, so if you can try to avoid committing yourself to a lifetime of a demanding career because your husband has already given up his, in case you feel differently once you’ve had the baby or are a bit older.
Good luck with your exciting new chapter x

[dhcwong]

Hi there, 

I gave up my professional career to be a stay at home mum. Besides all the identity issues, i want to share what we did with money. 

Before I was pregnant, we earned the same. We just contributed equal amounts into the joint account. Easy. When i became pregnant and gave birth, my income halved because I had a year off. it was then when I realised that having separate finances didn't work, because my husband was raking it in while I was doing lots of valuable, though unpaid labour at home. His bank account was blossoming while mine was shrinking even though i was doing all the cleaning!

We decided then to put all our money and salaries into the joint account and take out an agreed, budgeted sum each month for our personal 'fun' expenses. The means that the joint account would contains lots of money and and both our personal accounts not so anymore. 

As a result, we both had the same amount to spend on personal treats  - non home related expenses. We also had our own money to go for holidays with our own friends with no one asking 'permission' whether they could spend on something personal or not. He couldn't judge if i wanted to save up for months to buy a single handbag and I would keep mum if he splurged on another bike. And so on. 

Now that I have given up my professional work completely, the financal side is still feeling fair. He works for the family, and i work small gigs from home learrning a lot less than him and doing all the unpaid parental work. However, all our monies are in the family joint account that pays for school fees, joint holidays etc. And yet both of us feel that we have the freedon to spend on our personal stuff without the other person nagging us as our personal accounts are replenished fairly each month form the joint account.

I definitely feel empowered and both of us are happy with what we are doing. Money and earning imbalance is not the issue anymore.  

I hope this gives lots of room for thought. 




 

[muddyboots]

Proceed with caution.
I think you need to be very careful making any drastic decisions especially as you are pregnant and already plan to return very quickly.

Please don’t take this as judgment, but from experience, you have no idea how you will feel as a new mum. So it’s can be a bit naive to assume you can have the baby and carry on as normal.
First time mums, assuming you are from post, can find it hard to imagine what they will feel like .
You might find it hard to bounce back or not want to throw yourself into work and miss out so much and leave it all you your husband …

If this happens, him leaving a job could be an issue .

I would also say that if you have to negotiate on a monthly basis about chores now , it’s really something you need to work on .
Once you have kids you look back and wonder what the hell you did with all your time . You will also be drowning in new chores .

I’d say, leave things as they are, for both jobs . See how you feel about everything once you’ve had your baby .
Get help instead if needed .
It could easily lead to resentment from both parts.

Good luck

[Londontownlady]

Congratulations on your baby and promotion at work. I felt really compelled to write to you and I’d strongly recommend not to make any drastic changes before the baby is here. Your husband also may re-think the situation too. My friend has a similar set up - her husband has found it challenging and lonely. Their child is now at school age, and a year before this I cannot describe how much he was so excited to be getting back to some sort of work but unfortunately has been struggling to find something that fits around his 3.30pick ups. Also worth adding that my his wife works predominantly from home so she spends lunchtime with him and helps with childcare. he hardly gets invited out for coffee/play dates by other mums so he feels guilty that his child is missing on that social aspects with friends. He is a great dad and has lots of activities planned out for his child but it hasn’t come easy. All the best

[2009Kat]

I'd echo the posters above about money organisation (joint account and personal accounts) and perhaps leaving some things to consider when the baby arrives.  Your partner could take parental leave and see how it goes.  Whilst it sounds like money isn't a problem, you have options.  It is not so simple as it making sense for one person not to work and if you can afford childcare, you can think about what suits you all (as others have said).  In our house, one partner earns way more than the other but the other didn't give up work but took a side step role that enables them to be home in the evening and be more flexible.  Our nanny does things like the kids laundry and cooking which takes some of the tasks away from parents. But, you can't delegate everything and kids add to the mental load for all! 

[Hometime]

Having been the dad in this side of the equation, and stayed at home to look after our first baby, the one big thing I recall is how all the playgroups, coffee mornings, social get togethers, etc., almost every facet is geared towards women - and understandably. Even before the baby arrived, the NCT/baby classes is geared up so that women have a support network around them.

That meant being the only dad in this position was difficult and actually very isolating, especially as it was our first baby. You can imagine, that for first time mums they want to engage and discuss with other mums not only the mental, but physical elements and changes of being a mum. Even in playgroups or social settings want be able to breastfeed etc. The presence of a man obviously changes the dynamic in these situations. I was going to these events so our baby could interact and socialise with others and also for me to get a level social interaction and connection. Instead it was very non-inclusive environment.

I wouldn’t underestimate this side of the equation for your partner.

[Hometime]

Having been the dad in this side of the equation, and stayed at home to look after our first baby, the one big thing I recall is how all the playgroups, coffee mornings, social get togethers, etc., almost every facet is geared towards women - and understandably. Even before the baby arrived, the NCT/baby classes is geared up so that women have a support network around them.

That meant being the only dad in this position was difficult and actually very isolating, especially as it was our first baby. You can imagine, that for first time mums they want to engage and discuss with other mums not only the mental, but physical elements and changes of being a mum. Even in playgroups or social settings want be able to breastfeed etc. The presence of a man obviously changes the dynamic in these situations. I was going to these events so our baby could interact and socialise with others and also for me to get a level social interaction and connection. Instead it was very non-inclusive environment.

I wouldn’t underestimate this side of the equation for your partner.