Told off by MIL for expecting my husband to do his family's presents. Post Reply

[mango sorbet]

How do you divide present buying with your partners for your respective sides of the family?

After our first couple of Christmases together and not receiving any thank yous, I suggested we each take care of our own family. My husband agreed, but despite this and being told repeatedly that his family was his responsibility,  he rarely sorts anything.

We have just had his parents’ 50th wedding anniversary, and embarrassingly, we turned up to a large celebration empty-handed. I had repeatedly reminded him to buy something nice, even offering a couple of suggestions. To add insult to injury, over half term, my MIL told me she was surprised that I would expect him to ‘do it all’.

I am embarrassed that they didn’t receive a gift from us but furious that she is putting it on me. We both work, etc., etc.

Do other mums on here do all of the buying, wrapping, gifting, etc., or do your other halves do their own families? I am keen to know if I am wrong here.

[popchips]

I don't think that you are in the wrong at all. I think that if you agree to something then you have agreed to it. I would make sure that your MIL knows that this is the arrangement.

I would also let your husband know that not only did he mess up and cause you embarrassment but his mother is unfairly pointing the finger at you and ask him to clear that up too.

You are absolutely not in the wrong at all. Good luck.

[SunnySW]

Not in the wrong at all! I buy my family’s gifts, DH buys his. We both work full time. Why should there be an outdated expectation that the female sorts it all.

[chorister]

Nothing really that helps, but as someone who has been married (to the same person) since 1977 I have say I find it very difficult to imagine a relationship being so transactional.

[Flowermummy]

We have sort of the same arrangement. I say sort of because if I manage and have time , I would offer to buy presents for my husband’s side of the family too - I certainly don’t mind doing it but we both work as well, so need to share the admin too. We also missed some presents because DH forgot, but thankfully his family knew to direct the questions to him….
These things happen, it’s not the end of the world (and they will definitely happen if DH is in charge, so you need to be able to ignore it when it happens).
Couples have all sorts of arrangements wrt to presents but what you describe is not unusual. In your situation, I would probably just tell your husband the MIL comments and leave it with him to resolve or not - as he sees fit (because it’s his area of responsibility)

[muddyboots]

So at no point before on even on the day of the big celebration did you not think to ask your husband what he got ? Or ask where the gift was on the way ?
Being married and invited as a couple, you jointly failed to turn to with a present.
It’s bad etiquette and your own internal politics of who gets the gift is no excuse .
You clearly need to communicate better, but I feel it’s a cop out to blame him unless you are of course OK to turn up empty handed .

You are married, a couple and family , both your actions represent you as a unit .
Tit for tat won’t work out in the long run and will only lead to arguments.

Maybe you will need to do a bit more coaxing/reminding until you get there ..

Would you also turn up to a wedding empty handed because it’s his friend and task ? Come on , it’s embarrassing…

[Bewildered]

What is DH?

[GigiBuffon]

I am trying to imagine this story with the roles reversed.

Man embarrassed because woman he is married to didn’t buy own parents a present, after many discussions. Woman’s parents blame man she is married to and say he should have bought it.

Still can’t.

Trying to imagine this story within a non-heteronormed relationship.

Still can’t.

Of course you are in the right.

As a couple you are entitled to agree your own rules. That’s a pretty basic thing. Whether both working full time or not.

He’s going to have to get a nicer present now that it’s late!

[HelloWorld]

I’m a little bit surprised by some of the responses. Working as a unit doesn’t mean sharing the mental load on every single thing. I would personally hate for my husband to remind me of the tasks we agreed I would do, once maybe but more would be nagging. And I’m pretty sure he would feel the same.

It might be different if one person stays home buy in the context of two adults working full time you need to split the work otherwise it is not sustainable.

Re gifts, my husband and I are each in charge of our side of the family. It doesn’t mean we don’t send the other one gift ideas or refuse to help pickup an item etc. But it means that if for some reason I don’t remind him there will still be a gift at the end.