Did it help partner's career when you gave up work? Post Reply

[PNW]

Hello
Throwaway account for obvious reason.

I'd like some non-judgemental advice please.

My partner is doing well at work and if he does really well in the next year or so there is a chance of a really big pay rise.

I don't want to be specific but think partnership type stuff in professional services. To date we've managed on a dual-income basis and juggling childcare etc but we're within sight of me not having to work.

I like my work, I'm good at it and and it's well paid, but I can't see an obvious track to me making enough so my partner could give up work.

A lot of his colleagues higher up the firm are mentioning to him that his wife could now be thinking about giving up work, not because of any sexist stuff, at least not overtly, but because they claim their lives just got that much easier with one partner who could dedicate their time to working and one to the home. Even though I like my job I also like "home-making" although I hate the word, so I could, I think, be reasonably happy doing this.

However I have a lot of questions and would love some helpful feedback.

I don't mean to be rude but I'm not looking to enter a debate about whether one should or shouldn't in these situations, or if it's sexist etc, I just want to understand some of the positives and minuses.

These are the questions I have:

If you were in this situation did it make a huge difference to stress levels and juggling work-life balance or were these replaced with other stresses? Right now neither of us "owns" childcare or meal-planning we just share it but if it were all on me I'm not sure if that would create it's own stress?

Did it affect the money side relationship and if so how did you manage it? We both have our own money right now and I don't ask him if I want to buy something. Nor does he me. But I'm dammed if I'm going down any "housekeeping" money route - but if not how does it work?

Did it affect how he treated you? Or how you felt about the relationship? I'm thinking in terms of balance of power? Again I hate the words but YKWIM.

Sorry for all the questions but would love your insight.

[noexperience]

Don’t have any direct experience but the one thing I would consider is your pension. We are not in corporate roles and so a very long way from maxing out contributions, so this may not be applicable as I won’t fully understand your circumstances!

[muddyboots]

There is a lot to consider..

If you can afford to be on one income, perhaps you could consider hiring a nanny ?

This way you could still work if this is what you prefer.
If you wish to try how it would feel maybe check if part-time work would be an option.
I did a 3.5 day week with the half day at home and loved it. Got to go to work and also more time to manage things at home and the children were more at home than at nursery.

The main think to consider is, the children will grow up and need to less, by then you would have given up your career and most probably lost your confidence and it’s much harder to get back into work again.

Money:
You need to have access to the money, not have to ask for it .
If you don’t have a joint account you need access to the money pot so to speak via a card .

Many couples fall into the “I work all day” as if the parent at home isn’t. You will need to discuss and agree fully with your husband what is all entails.
You might feel like you deserve a break when he comes home , he might feel like he’s worked all day and deserves to have a break. Many argue when they feel they’ve done their bit and tired.

pension: you need to have a solution for your pension contributions and make sure you don’t lose out.
All nice to look at the family income, but at the end of the day you stand to lose out with this arrangement long term and if case of divorce I’m not sure if lack of pension and credits are considered.

It’s not all doom and gloom, you might love being and home and it is very nice for the children.
Do bear in mind that unless you have a social network who are also off in the day it can get a bit boring and lonely.

Good luck

[Moonlightdawn]

Hi 

I've been in this position and in my experience, the happiest medium is working part-time.

I gave up work for a couple years. I was miserable and resentful. I missed interacting with people in an office environment and being intellectually stimulated. Found it tough not earning my own money. 

Within my husband's work circle (hedge fund, front office), I'm one of the very few wives who has a paid job. I used to work in HR in the city. Made the decision to transfer my skills to another industry for better work-life balance. I get paid a fraction of what I used to earn and my part-time job is a lot less prestigious.

Having said that, I'm a lot happier as I feel more connected to my partner and children. Emotionally, I feel more present and a lot less stressed. We have a part-time nanny who helps with drop offs and picks-up when I'm working.

I still "own childcare" as you put it - (everything to do with the children's education day-to-day, sorting out presents, uniforms, play dates, sport events, schedules, charity stuff, etc).  My husband's job is all-consuming so I'm OK with that. 

Good luck with your decision. You're doing the right thing in giving it so much though. 

[Ramaboo]

I don't want to be pessimistic and every situation is different but - I would be wary of giving up your own earning power. I had a very secure marriage - until one day I didnt'. I'd taken my foot off the pedal whilst his career took precendence. I didnt' stop working but i did spend time part time to pick up the slack re kid ferrying and house stuff. Result is i am 10+ years behind where I should be career and salary wise. If you are senior enough already, this may not be such an issue for you

Other things to consider are - pension - would you have enough income to decide that you could pay into yours each month from the family pot?
Are you prepared to be solely responsible for house and kid stuff? because that is how it will play out. I would have become resentful if it had been my sole job.
Are you very sociable? I really missed the social interaction that work offers and when not working, my world get very small. I've also seen it affect my non-workign friends in terms of confidence and capability. 

Re money - Best chance of success if money is shared and in a joint account, and you both are similar levels of frugality. if you've given up your earning capability for him, he needs to be willing to share all his money without resenting you spending on yourself - within reason.

And lastly - think ahead to 5-10 years from now. Is he still going to feel like you are his equal? there is something about the shared struggle which keeps you feeling level. I worry that your worlds move too far apart when he's at work long days and you can't relate. I agree with poster above that part time is a better option - and with help if you can afford it.

Good luck with your decision

[ACA]

I gave up a city job to stay at home with kids. It can be lonely and isolating but I am happy to have made the decision to be with my kids whilst they are young and need me most. That being said, my husband and I have since we got married combined our money - there is no his and my earnings, and that is vital if you want to give up work. I don’t ask him permission to buy things but he does expect me to be sensible, obviously :) With regards to the tax, it has made a big difference as my husband can transfer stuff into my name as I’m not on a higher tax bracket anymore. Re. pension, we are using nutmeg to transfer money into pension accounts so we are doing that bit ourselves (he mainly divvies up his bonus into different pots so we can get the best interest rates).
I would say that we’ve not entirely given up having a nanny and cleaning as I simply don’t have the time to do all the cleaning myself, so I’d say that you may still need a cleaner as well. Staying at home is hard work! Having a nanny is great but knowing from experience, I always had to juggle my really demanding job with having to relieve the nanny if she was sick etc.
I do echo what others have said on here about working part time if you can. That’s a great balance and I plan to do that in future. Good luck with the decision!

[HightreesHouse]

Depends on the quality of your relationship.

That is it.

First test….. will your husband agree to a joint account for you both into which his salary is paid?
If not then carry on working.

Second test … making pension contributions of equivalent for you.


I gave up work due to illness of both parents and having two very young children. My darling husband supported us all although it was not easy.

There are any number of positives and minuses. I would not change my decision now. I have had the greatest privilege of being around for my children. Money cannot buy that.

It was not easy. I had an afternoon a week help in term time starting when the children were 2 and 4.

Younger son off to uni today.

The pluses are intangible - a life of huge emotional richness if you want it. The minuses are all pretty tangible but are ameliorated if you have the right partner.

Good luck!

[Needcoffeenow]

Like Moonlightdawn I think it is important to work - part time is ideal. You will continue to have work in common, you can talk about your work at social events and it gives you a status you risk losing if you give up altogether. Giving up is likely to change the dynamic of your relationship and that is always a risk. Also you never know what the future might bring.

[supergirl]

Firstly I want to correct one poster; as they grow up it isnt that our children needs us less. It s just different needs.
It might look like it is less because they are more independant in the everyday run of things ie. Going to school, to their clubs, homeworks, etc. But when they need you it is often when you expect it less. They need a lot of emotional support and I find that it is important to be there for them and for them to know you are at home and are available to give that support.

It s almost as if I find that I should have carried on working when my kids were little and as they reached the teenage years stop work. So the other way around.

I was fully at home until my youngest turned 4 then freelanced in my old job a couple of projects a year; then fully at home again until 3 years ago when I set up my own company. I am able that way to still come home early in the evening amd be there should they need me.

So my advice
- sort the money side of things: like another poster my husband has never been controlling over money.
I spend on my what i want, and i do most of the shopping since he doesnt have time. Pensions etc.

- house: i do a lot more chores than him but to le thats ok as I do have more flexibility in my work. BUT EACH kids have chores to do ie. Laundry. I taught them young: they separate colours, fill a wash and put to dry then fold and on each others beds. So teach them young.
They can also make dinner if i am on a call.

- time for yourself: you have to decide what you want. For me my number 1 budget after the bills and children was a babysitter. I would never miss a night out with school parents, or with friends or talks etc. Because my husband wasnt available to mind the kids. If I want to go out, I go out and book one if he is away.

And also decide what YOU need / want.

Maybe part time is a better solution?

[Mikeydon]

Oh, totally! You should absolutely give up your career and financial independence now because, you know, there’s potentially a big payday coming in the future. I mean, what’s the worst that could happen? It’s not like life ever throws curveballs or plans ever change. Besides, I’m sure depending entirely on one income, with absolutely no backup plan for yourself, will be super empowering. And think of all that free time—perfect for waiting around, just in case that windfall doesn’t happen exactly as expected. Sounds like a rock-solid, long-term strategy!

[Kirstie’s Mom]

There isn’t a right or wrong answer . I worked all my life and earned a big salary . I liked the freedom it gave me as well as the life style . During a particularly horrible divorce I went to a woman’s group and was saddened by the many women there who gave up incredible careers when their partner started earning big . When hubby decided to trade them in for a younger model , they were being almost starved out of their homes so that they would cave to lesser settlements . Seriously : utility bills unpaid , school fees unpaid - you name it . I enjoyed my career and I was in a good position to thrive post divorce which I have .
Think of the future and where you might be and where you want to be .

[Kirstie’s Mom]

There isn’t a right or wrong answer . I worked all my life and earned a big salary . I liked the freedom it gave me as well as the life style . During a particularly horrible divorce I went to a woman’s group and was saddened by the many women there who gave up incredible careers when their partner started earning big . When hubby decided to trade them in for a younger model , they were being almost starved out of their homes so that they would cave to lesser settlements . Seriously : utility bills unpaid , school fees unpaid - you name it . I enjoyed my career and I was in a good position to thrive post divorce which I have .
Think of the future and where you might be and where you want to be .

[Btwmum]

Two things to think
- pension
- divorce
Pension is easily solved if you agree it gets paid, divorce is complicated and you need to be well informed. I suggest you speak with a lawyer to understand your rights as a non-earning wife with small kids and adult kids. The UK law is not very favourable to the non-earning part and many women end up in poverty and really struggling. The giving up of career or less earning to favour the husband career is never taken into account by a judge. It could be positive if your husband is asset rich as everything is shared 50-50 so you can sell what you get and live by (but check it is enough) but if you are asset poor and income rich you won’t see any money and even the amount he is required to pass for the kids is ridiculous. Check with a lawyer to see what you would be entitled as I think this should greatly influence your decision.

[SWtastic]

Don't give up your financial independence.  As others have said, you seriously need to consider your pension, if your marriage ends etc.  I read this time and time again where a well paid woman gives it all up and then suffers later on when it's too late to recover her career.

You can buy in the help you will need to run the logistics of home.  Also, model to your children the rewards of work in terms of fulfilment and financial freedom.

In answer to your question - it might help your partner's career initially but having a partner at home who is unfulfilled, bored and doesn't have financial security, wouldn't be helpful to any relationship.

[Peewee]

Agree with part-time .

If your only reason for working is financial I would be suprised, from your post.
Are you in a career with hierarchy or just a job you can pick up later?

I see little reason overall, particularly the intellectual stimulation, colleague contact etc to give up entirely.
Seems very black and white , when there are so many variables and changes as you go through life.