DIvorced - did you change last name? Post Reply

[DIdYouChangeLastName]

Hi
Question for all the divorced women out there, did you change your last name when you got divorced?

My ex is remarrying and we get on well and he's now asking if I'd consider reverting to my maiden name?

It turns out his new g/f/fiance is a little odd about it, not sure if it's jealously or something else but I don't want a different name to our children or to even pander to his new partner.

I know that if I got married again I might change it then but really hadn't thought about it as a consequence of their marriage.

Would be grateful if anyone has done this and why?

Thank you.

[muddyboots]

So, let me get this straight….
You are divorced and he feels he can demand his name back just because his new wife to be is uncomfortable?!

Unless you felt the urge to change your name , don’t !!

It’s part of your identity and I totally agree it’s odd not to have the same name as your children and it would even cause you issues when travelling alone with them hanging a different name.
It’s a major faff to change your name too, imagine passports, pension, mortgage, wills !! Etc

I’d say, hell NO!
I won’t be erased

His new wife to be needs to not marry a divorced man if she can’t handle your existence or last name.

What next ? She will want your kids to also revert to other name so her potential new kids don’t share a name ,??

[sconesplease]

You could should suggest as an alternative he takes her last name!!! or they can combine theirs  ha ha 

It should be your decision and something you want.  If it's not what you want and not what you are comfortable with then you should definitely not feel pressured to change your name. It's very common to keep your name post a divorce. I feel it's a bit rude to have asked you to consider this. 

Great that you get along well, just be honest and say your rather not. Surely, the new partner has other things to focus on with the upcoming wedding. Is it a really unique name?

[DietCokefan]

To me the salient point here is the fact that you haven’t reverted to your maiden name prior to this point; this suggests you don’t want to.

I knew a family where, when the new wife took her married name her new full name was exactly the same as one of her step-daughters. Hardly ideal, but the new wife had every right to take her married name if she wanted to.

Your ex is absurd to even mention it. You don’t owe this to him, his new wife, or any subsequent wives. When you took your married name that name became YOUR name, not solely part of his. Who knows whether it’s his issue or hers, but whoever has the issue needs to get over themself.

You do NOT need to explain yourself or justify your decision. The answer to “could you change your name for my convenience” is “no thank you, I’m staying as I am”

[SWLondon1]

Most of my friends have kept their last name so they can have the same surname as their children which was important to them as a family.

Now that you are divorced and everything is signed it really has nothing to do with him and definitely not to his wife to be. I think it’s maybe an insecurity that she’s asking and I’ve never heard of that before.

[Suffolkskies20]

I probably have an unusual one….. I was told I wasn’t allowed to “keep his name”, which as others pointed out was now my name and the same surname as our daughter.

So I kept it- when I was getting remarried and knowing we wanted to have children together- we had a long discussion about how I wanted the children to have the same surname.

My rather unusually enlightened future husband, then suggested he changed his surname to mine and daughters (and ex). So he did and he now knows how much time it takes to change everything.

It’s something my feminist head feels strongly about- why if I get divorced should my children end up with a different name to me, it’s like we have to be cast out with some kind of shame. Appreciate most people wouldn’t opt down my esoteric route but for us it meant a lot for all my kids to have the same surname.

So I say do whatever feels best to you and don’t let anyone make you feel you have to change your name.

[DietCokefan]

Just adding a postscript to my previous answer.

All decisions around changing or not changing your name post-marriage, are personal. I would respond, respectfully, to the poster who wrote:

“It’s part of your identity and I totally agree it’s odd not to have the same name as your children and it would even cause you issues when travelling alone with them hanging a different name.”


It isn’t “odd” to have a different name to your child. It may be considered a bit unconventional, equally MANY women, particularly but not exclusively professionals, retain their maiden name. To describe it as “odd” sounds very judgemental, i’m assuming unintended by the poster.

Also in response to that poster’s comment, if children are travelling, and are not with ALL adults who hold parental responsibility for them, the adult(s) travelling with them are required to have written permission from ALL other adults who hold parental responsibility for each/all of those children. This applies equally to travelling with your own children without the other parent, and for example taking a friend of one of your children with you on holiday. Obviously this is not always checked, but it is a requirement nonetheless and can be checked by immigration.

[Teenmum]

I did not change my name because I wanted to have the same surname as my children.
Your ex-husband’s future wife has no business suggesting anything specific to you be changed, never mind your surname, and nor does your ex-husband.
Irrespective of 1 the implications for travel with your children 2 the admin hassle and cost 3 your personal preference 4 always being referred to as Mrs Husband’s surname in anything you do with your children anyway, it is a decision for you and you alone for what ever reason you fancy.

[Terrier_London]

One reason not to change your name is that if you travel with your children, and they have a different surname, you will need a "permission to travel" letter from the father and will likely be stopped frequently by border control who will ask about the name difference.

When my wife and I married, she changed her name to mine. She had two children from her previous marriage which meant she (and I) had a different surname from the children which meant we needed a permission letter from her Ex, and got stopped and asked about why the children had a different surname.

Didn't prevent any travelling, but was a bit upsetting to her and frustrating to get asked about it. Was less of an issue once they were both over 16, and now they are both over 18, not an issue at all.

Other than that, changing name is an admin nightmare, so if you neither want to or need to change name - I would suggest you don't.

[SunshineOrNot]

Re travelling, on paper the rules are the same regardless of last name, in practice they almost never check parents/children with the same last name / almost always check if you have a different name!
Last summer, coming back on my own from France with my two children, the border control literally said « do you have the same name? Oh yes I see you do, all good then ».

[SkyLines]

If the new partner has an issue with having the same surname as you she can change hers.

Or he can change his surname to take hers.

Or they can both change to a new option.

The audacity is outrageous. And I say this as a divorced person who has my maiden name but also went through a lot of hoops to make sure I have the same surname as my children.

It would be different if you wanted to change it yourself. But what your ex be ok with children changing it too?

The combination of misogyny but also entitlement to your life, options and time is strong on this one…

[DietCokefan]

Respectfully disagree on this. I don’t have the same surname as my children, have travelled just me and the children many times, have never been queried.

My observation is the checking is very random, and tends to occur more often with younger children.

To rely on the surnames matching would mean my brother in law (or anyone with the same surname as my children,) would effectively have more right to take my children out of the country than me, the children’s mother, which doesn’t make any sense.

The rules regarding the need to travel with written permission from all those with parental responsibility for the child, are poorly understood in this country, but the rules are very clear, see this link. https://www.gov.uk/permission-take-child-abroad

[Lalalala]

Different people said it's odd to have a different surname to your children and you can have issues when travelling. I'd like to say it may be odd if you're English, but some countries the woman doesn't change her surname when getting married (ex. Spain, Italy). I am Spanish, and I have a different surname to my children. I have never had an issue travelling, neither had anyone I know, for having a different surname than the child. If this is different for Emglish people, I don't know. My daughters have an English passport, I have a Spanish passport, different surnames, and we've been travelling like that for years without any issues or comments.

[Flowermummy]

I have divorced friends who kept the ex husbands surname because it was easier - both to have the same surname as the children but also because that’s how they were known professionally.
I’d say entirely up to how you feel about it. If you haven’t changed your name so far, you are probably ok with keeping it so I wouldn’t bother.
The reason (of new wife not liking it) feels a bit hilarious, if I’m honest.