Naughty toddler - can anyone help? Post Reply

[suziQ]

I was wondering if anyone can help / advise or share their own experience of having to deal with troublesome toddler behaviour.

I have a gorgeous 26th month old girl who has recently started pushing over other children at play group and on play dates. She has always been a 'spirited' little one, so it is no huge shock that this has happened but I would appreciate any help on how to deal with it.

What has probably sparked this off is that I had my second child about 3 months ago. Initially I tried the time out technique, removing her from the situation and explaining what she had done wrong. It probably gave her too much attention, and it only seemed to get worse. I then tried ignoring and showering the other child with attention. unfortunately I find this so difficult to do in front of other mothers as I feel I need to be seen to do something, so it is not always possible.

This seemed to be working, along with distracting her as much as possible but recently she has started doing it again. It came to a head yesterday when I was at a friends house and my daughter pushed over her daughter. I went back to telling her off and removing her from the room because I felt that I needed to be seen to be taking control. It only got worse and there were 2 more pushes....

I am now anxious even taking my daughter to the park in case she behaves like this. I found out this morning that a good friend of mine didn't invite us to her daughter's second birthday because of this.(By the way, she actually hasn't hurt a child as it's not a hard push - but it is obviously very antisocial).

If anyone has experienced similar and come out the other side, I would be so grateful to hear from you.

Thank you X

[AbbevilleMummy]

Oh my goodness! I wouldn't class her as a good friend if she did that! Silly woman!

What your daughter is going through is completely normal and I wouldn't worry about it. You should tell her calmly that what she did was wrong and upsetting for the other child and then turn your back on her and fuss over the other child. I would then also give high praise to your daughter when she shows acts of kindness such as sharing etc. This will work and your daughter will learn. It's just a phase they all go through and have to go through in order to learn and develop. My daughter is just starting to come out the other side but no doubt she will have lapses!

As for looks from other mothers, they either haven't got there yet (but they will!!) or are watching you for tips on what to do with their own little monsters!

[Pats021]

This sounds very similar to my experience with my son. I've been doing time out and he is now 31 months old and slowly figuring out how to play with others. I know the feeling of having to be seen to take firm action and the upset at the end of play dates that haven't gone well. So just wanted to empathise and let you know it does get better. She's a spirited girl and that will stand her in good stead later in life. Just not great in the terrible twos.

[suziQ]

Thank you so much for your advice and kind comments. It's so reassuring to know that my daughter is not the only one and that it will pass.

Good luck with your toddlers and hope there aren't too many lapses!
X

[stayathomemuminsw11]

I just wanted to add that my daughter (who will be 3 in May) went through a very similar stage for around 3 months leading up to Christmas. It was AWFUL, I used to dread playdates or trips out, because she would push other children and snatch, and basically throw a complete meltdown any time any child had something she wanted.

It was particularly bad with her 'best friend', and I was so sad about it, because the mum of the other little girl and I are great friends, but we literally couldn't have them play together without it ending in tears.

We had lots of chats about being kind and sharing, and I was pretty hot on removing her from the situation when she'd had a couple of 'warnings'. I actually took her home early from playdates a couple of times, which was a royal pain for me as I missed out on chatting to my friends and it was a shame for my daughter too, but I think being pretty tough on her paid off ultimately.

During this stage (she was 29 months when it started) she was also being horrible to me, tantrums, screaming, shouting etc.

As awful as it sounds, I used to dread getting her up in the morning as I was so worried about how she would be.

HOWEVER, after Christmas, it was like I had my old child back, she suddenly stopped this horrible behaviour, and was just back to being (generally!!) a delight. I think the combination of growing up a bit, and realising that actions DO have consequences (i.e. having to miss a playdate) and NOT giving in when she was having an almighty tantrum really made a difference, and she just seemed to come out of it.

Nowadays, she and that same 'best friend' could not play more nicely together, (of course, there is the odd disagreement but they can usually sort it out themselves), and they LOVE playing with each other, having tea together etc. I'm really sorry your friend didn't invite your little girl to her party, it does seem harsh BUT to be completely honest, I know when my little girl went through this stage, we weren't invited over for playdates as much, and I DO understand why-no one wants to have the child who hits around (!) BUT equally it IS a stage, and most children DO get over it... I'm SURE your little one will come out of it too.

Good luck! (And sorry for the rambling message!!)

[Camille]

Many thanks for raising this SuzieQ and an equally big thanks to all the lovely mums who replied with similiar experiences to what we are going through right now.
The fact that there appears to be light at the end of the tunnel is hugely heartening at the moment.
Thanks again SuzieQ for raising a delicate subject and the fact that others are enduring the same problems doesn't reduce the stress but is most reassuring!

[CheekychappieMum]

Completely empathise with you in terms of feeling you have to be seen to discipline your child in front of other parents when what you really want to do is a quick time out without lavishing too much attention on your child. Answering to other parents and worrying about what others think is almost as stressful as dealing with the behaviour itself. My son is 4 and is pushing and hitting and I have been through the entire rainbow of embarrassment. We are now seeking professional help but would love to hear from anyone who has had to develop a thick skin to deal with other parents and how they've done it. The unpredictability of his behaviour means that like you, I never know how a playdate/party/day at nursery is going to go....my nerves are often shot to pieces before anything has happened.

[mrsh]

I just wanted to say how much I sympathise with you all and you musn't let other people's looks or disapproval get you down. Friends are not friends if they ostracise a 2 year old for a bit of pushing and shoving. It is normal...they are all learning boundaries.

CheekieChappieMum....just hang on in there. I have a 7 year old boy, who was a virtual pariah because he was so full on and naughty. I tried everything - praise, time out, removing from situation etc. Nothing worked. I was left in despair - made worse by other mothers who were entirely unsympathetic and seemed to think that it was down to a) my poor parenting or b) I had spawned a devil child. I think the thing that frustrated me the most is that I saw their little ones behave appallingly, yet they would just laugh indulgently at their antics.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, this phase DOES pass. For some boys, I think, it takes much longer. But we are now out of the woods and my little chap is divine (most of the time ) and so polite.

I will also pass on some amazing words given to me by my son's nursery headmistress - who was a total rock throughout the baddest years. She told me that I should never never despair about having a child with spirit as they will eventually learn to tone it down. Wheras you can NEVER instill spirit in a child who hasn't any in the first place.

[sparkletiger]

As everyone else has said this is normal and it does get better. Its hard not to let embarrassment influence how you deal with it but it you can see it as normal and that you child needs your support to show her what is ok then you may feel better about it. I learned a great method from the Family School in Brixton. They advocate dealing with what happens Without judgement of the child doing the hitting/shoving, saying its not ok to hit/shove, say how the other child is upset. Even better ask the child (so that your child can hear) if it was ok to be hit, they are usually very able (and feel empowered by being asked) to say no. They you say X says its not ok to hit her/him, look at her face, she is upset. It seemed strange at furst to ask the child who had been hit as you think they may not have the vocab. But at 18 months old , before my daughter was able to talk much she was able to shake her head through her tears and it felt very empowering. Then we are teaching them the skills to deal with it themselves eventually by giving them a voice and modelling what to do. It is definitely hard to be non judgemental when another child has just thumped yours but they are all just learning and need adult help.

Good luck. Have you asked your best friend about the lack of invite. You could say that you welcome support and think it would aid the children's learning to see the adults negotiating well and working together.

Hard work !

[suziQ]

Thank you all so much for your wise words, empathy and honesty. This has been such a help for me to realise that there is nothing wrong with my child or the way I am parenting.

I think I am getting in control of my daughters pushing! Mainly by being very aware of her triggers and distracting her. With my daughter it seems to be almost a form of communication with other children, so when I see her little hand coming out, I say 'why don't you say Hello'. She then says Hello (and waves) and the push is forgotten.

It also makes a huge difference not to be too stressed about it. I tell any friend that I am seeing about it so that I am not constantly worrying. Apart from the one friend who is socially excluding us, the rest are incredibly supportive, which makes all the difference. I think they realise that it may happen to them one day!

With regards to my friend, I have heard that she is 'distancing' herself from me to protect her child. I am mortified by this but I do know she is over-reacting. Her daughter had only fallen onto her bottom, onto carpet with no harm done at all. I won't challenge her on this as I think it is an arguement that can't be won; of course she needs to do what she feels is right for her child. But I am very sad to lose a good friend!

Thank you all for the advice. X

[cheshirecat]

Not sure how much this will help but I always find that a follow up with an apology to the other child works really well. With my children this sometimes took a while and could be a kiss, cuddle or if they can say it then a 'sorry', a couple of times they would be stuborn and I would refuse to do anything else until they showed a sorry. This can go along with explaining that it hurts others and is wrong etc. My toddler is the same age and while he is very nice to other children he went through a phase where he would bite, push and pull his siblings hair. He had to say sorry, kiss or cuddle them and I would take his hand and show him gentle touch. Now a simple warning of 'gently' works well and he stopped this in a few weeks. Might work for you.