Help - toddler / Au Pair /mummy issues Post Reply

[kewty]

Hi

We have recently got an au pair, to help me with our toddler and around the house, as we have no2 due in 2 months and my hips have completely gone (on crutches, can't climb stairs, lift etc).

The Au Pair is really sweet, and very good with our little one, but our little one is now getting very clingy to me, won't let the au pair do anything, and if I refuse her she bursts into tears.

It is still early days as the au pair only arrived 6 days ago, but I am worried that a) if I give in, little one will always demand me to to things instead of the au pair, then what is the point of having the au pair, and b) if I don't give in, little one will think I am rejecting her, which will then cause other issues. Also if she is like this now, how is she going to behave when the new baby arrives? And, how awful must the au pair feel to have our little one reject her like this!

Has anyone been in this situation before? How did you deal with it? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks
Kx

[BalhamMumWorkingFT]

K,

This is completely normal (I've been though 3 nannies and 2 live-ins). There are lots of factors in this mix. Firstly, your daughter is keenly aware something is happening to you and the family. All kids get clingy when a new baby is coming as they "sense" it. To make matters harder, your physically impaired which adds stress to the situation.

The Au Pair is a brand new person in her life and although you are keen to get her to do childcare, your daughter sees her as second / third best and still a stranger. The relationship with develop... it takes probably a good month or two and she will quickly realize that ultra fun stuff happens with Au Pair, not with mummy. Just don't be too upset that in a few months she prefers the Au Pair!

Firstly, don't worry about tantrums, ignore them and don't make them about you or the Au Pair. You're the mum and what you say goes. Praise her with you attention when she listens and plays with the Au Pair, goes out with her, etc... Stay Positive; it is much easier to see results than being negative!

To get her loving time with the Au Pair, set up things where you both can be involved (painting, cooking). Show her that you are a team and having fun all together. Let the Au Pair and your daughter lead the activity, you're just there to be there, nothing else (for example, let her sit next to you while colouring, but don't over actively participate). Find days where you leave the house and the Au Pair stays with her. Get really fun activities that she can ONLY do with the Au Pair (playdough, tea party, stickers, etc...) so they have special activities. This will help immensely with baby too as you can have her special "big girl" activities available on tricky times (like feeding).

It is soooooo hard when you are in the thick of it and I sympathize!

Good Luck.

[Loretta]

Hi,

I absolutely understand as I am an au pair myself and at the beginning, the little one didn't want to be with me at all ...
The thing was that at that time, the dad was working from home and so the little boy wanted to stay with his dad and always asked his dad to do stuff and not me.
I started taking the boy with me, just us two out and then he didn't have the choice, he had to ask me for things. Also, you should be a team with the au pair and let her with your little one so she can create a relationship with your little one. It tooks me about 3 weeks to start a good relationship with the boy .. it's a long work but it worths it !

I hope this will help you !
Good luck x

[carissab]

I have also gone through similiar with my boys and our previous nannies. It is important even though you are home that you create time for the 2 of them to be together when they know mummy is unavailable. It might mean closing your bedroom door for a few hours each day (try and make it the same time for consistency, ie in the mornings). My nanny tells me they can assist more, have better bonding and a better relationship when I create this distance. I have also learnt that children respond to your behaviour. Always talk positive of the au pair, discuss what fun activities they can do together in the day and have them do these when you retreat into your room to create the distance. Most importantly give it time. It is all new and you need to create new routines. Even after 3 years with 3 different nannies, if my children know I am available they will ask me to do something.