Am i the Dad and if so what now???!?! Post Reply

[possibledad]

HI Everyone,

Sorry to hi-jack your website but im in desperate need of some advice, and i came on here as, well mums know best.

some time ago i was in a long term relationship, we were together for about 18 months and she lived with me.

We met on a dating site and got on really well, she was apparently very successful, had a couple of children and was just in the midst of going through quite a messy divorce.

she said that her two boys were with there dad in new york whilst things got sorted and she found somewhere to live properly.

To cut a long story short it was all lies and what i believed was someone who was fighting to get her children back, in fact didnt have any at all, was 10 years younger than what she said and basically lied about everything, stole and cheated on me, even to the extant of saying her mother had died of cancer and her dad was in hospital. (they were both fine and living in Manchester)

I was devastated to say the least as id tried to give her everything i could including putting myself in financial problems.

ive never told anyone of what she did only that we split up.

The reason for my post is that she has recently got back in touch with me saying that she had a child and its mine.

now obviously without seeming harsh my first words were is it mine???!!?

i found a DNA place online and got her to send his dna and i sent mine. i have just found out that apparently he is and she has already admitted that she done it to try and get back with me.

i have always said that i would never walk away from anything or anyone if something like this were to happen but am in a situation where i really dont know what to do??!!!?

she is unbearable and impossible to speak to about anything to do with it, one minute sending abusive messages then next calling up crying.

I really dont want anything at all to do with her, but yet feel i now have an obligation.

I live on my own in wandsworth and she now lives miles away near Manchester.

i dont know weather to walk away from it all and have nothing to do with them or try to stay in touch and be a dad.

Pleaseeee Help and advise.

Thanks
xXx

[supergirl]

Hi Possibledad

I am really sorry to read about your situation and your emitional turmoil. I feel for you but well done for writing it because this will undoubtebly help you in the long road of recovery.

About your situation i would say that you need to be 100% sure that the child is yours so ask the place for a copy if they havent done it yet.
If it is not yours, walk away and put as much distance as you can.

If the child is yours... you cant (and shouldnt) walk away on a child regardless of the situation, can you?
This child is powerless and will suffer from the situation. You need tk be the grown up there because it is ibvious that she wont be. You dont have to talk to her if you dont want to but make sure she knows that you are to take all the responsibilities that come from being a dad: maintenance and contact.

I dont know anything zbout technicalities in this country but maybe you should call the CSA and ask for their advice. Maybe you dont have to transfer the money directly into her account but in a fund for your child? Never miss one payment, keep track of your bank transfers because if goes ugly (god forbid) you ll be happy to have them.

Also bear in mind that she might uses the child to go back at you. If it happens the child will be distraught. Write letters (even he cant read) if she stops you from seeing your child. Never stop trying to contact your child. As he or she grows up it will make a HUGE difference to know that his/her dad has never given up on him/her.

Try to avoid her as much as possible but you would still have to talk to her for s few things about your child. Take thr high road and try to never take personnally anything she says or does to you. Eventually she ll get tired to see her game is not working and she ll stop. Or maybe it is a wishfull thought?

If you can and have ground (like child safety and wellbeing), apply for sole custody. But not sure if you can do it while yhe child is a baby let alone not being born.

Good luck. Let me know how you are doing. We in NVN are here and support you. Sx

[supergirl]

PS: do not feel guilty about your first words asking whether the child is yours or not, you are absolutely right to ask that question. Dont forget she is blackmailing you (and sounds like a bit of a bully). You are within your rights.

Sx

[MGMidget]

Given the history with this lady, is it the slightest bit possible that she sent your DNA for testing rather than a baby's? Sorry I'm creating more suspicion but I just wondered as you mentioned she sent the DNA but in what form did this have to be, and it doesn't sound like you have actually seen the baby yet. She has fabricated her life in the past so I would want to be sure of the situation.

If there is a baby and its yours then you can't walk away from the financial responsibility and you might regret it if you did not have any contact with the child. I don't think you should feel you need to restart any relationship with the lady though and why would you want to in the circumstances? You can still be a good dad by having some contact with the child. I think the suggestion of writing letters was a nice one - a young child will be heavily influenced by their mother but as they get older they will be able to make up their own mind about you and the situation. Keep copies of the letters in case the child doesn't get to see them so you can show them when they are older.

[possibledad]

Wow, firstly can i say Thank you for taking the time to reply and help me out with things.

SO to give you an update on things i have just done another DNA test which was done with the swab salvia thing. So i guess for now i can only sit back and wait. I have still not seen them so its all been done via post which i assume is impossible to falsify.

i think i should contact the CSA and see if they can offer any advice as to how and where i go form here.

I already find it difficult to think that i could possibly have a son and yet have not even met him.

thanks again for the advice it really does help.
x

[EmmaVictoriaID]

This woman sounds like she has some serious mental issues, I already feel sorry for a child born to someone who would have a baby just to get back at someone, and obviously to you to have been so horribly manipulated in the past and now. If she is so flippant and selfish about creating a life, now she has (if it's proven) your baby you must tread incredibly carefully with her. I know two men whose ex-wives were bitter and angry women who did their utmost to prevent them from seeing their children despite the fact they so very desperately wanted to.

My advice is from the very beginning, keep all text messages and try to contact her only in writing - i.e. by email rather than speaking to her. She is less likely to be able to manipulate you via writing (bawling her eyes out etc) and you have evidence of any threats or abuse which will be essential to back you up later on if it's your word against hers - as the mother she already holds more weight than you so you need as much positive evidence in your favour.

If this baby has such an emotionally unstable mother your presence will be absolutely vital in trying to keep his life on as much an even keel as possible. Children need to feel loved and wanted first of all and as long as you do the best you possibly can hopefully the negative influences on the other side will be lessened.

Don't give up on this baby if he is yours, he did not ask to be brought in to the world like this and he must not be the one to suffer. You sound like a responsible, trustworthy and caring man and I'm sure when he is old enough to realise he will be thankful to have someone like you in his life. Good luck.

[Happy Faces]

I am really sorry to read about your situation and your emitional turmoil.

[Camille]

My wife has asked that I drop you a line with my experiences in a very similar situation.
16 years ago, long before I met my wife, I had a fing with an equally manic woman (lies, money grabbing, even violent, etc, etc). Shortly after I had finished the "relationship" she advised that she was pregnant and I was the father. I was very unsure that I was but working on the basis of probabilities thought I could be.
Anyway, to cut a long story short the DNA test proved I was the father and after many years, career affecting stress and thousands spent at court fighting for partental rights I now have the best daughter ever and nothing to do with her mother.
It is a very very long road and I hope she doesn't put you through what I was put through but the most important thing is the child..just try to imagine yourself in your child's position if you waver.
Oh and avoid CAFCAS like the plague...their lady told me to forget even trying to gain access to my daughter, didn't turn up as a witness to two court hearings, and had an anti father chip on her shoulder the size of Clapham Common.
Good luck, be patient, honest and determined and you'll get there.

[NYE31]

I am so saddened to read about what has happened & what a dreadful state this woman must be in to behave like this. It sounds as if you have had a really stressful time.

There have been lots of posts with very sensible advice, all I would add is that it might be worth trying to get someone to mediate between the 2 of you if the baby is yours when it comes to access, money etc.

I really hope that you have some supportive friends & family to help you if the baby is yours and that you meet someone lovely.

Good luck & keep us posted

[marypoppins]

What about contacting social services? They might be able to help you sort things out in the child's best interests. there are also schemes in place where you can see the child without seeing each other or in a supported environment.

[possibledad]

Hi everyone,

Thought I'd give you an update on things and also to say thanks to everyone for the advice an support.
I got the results back and I am now a dad so I guess I can change the status to "I am the Dad, what now?!?!?"
I met him last week for the first time and I have to admit I had considered that I would meet and then walk away.
But (and yes this is soppy I know), as soon as I looked into his eyes and he smiled I feel in love. ( I'm sure babies do this to everyone although I'm telling myself he knew who I was).
My ex has also been surprisingly nice, and agreed about me seeing him.

What I really need now is advice on being a parent, I haven't a clue on cots or buggys, clothes etc

X

[shellbell83]

Congrats - The most important thing is your love and time !!!!!!

Sort out a 'offical' arrangement through csa which is child support agency and give regular money every week or month through them, this way she can never go to court and say you havent paid anything

Ask her what the baby needs and what size clothes the child is in, babies grow fast, then if u wanted to you could send gifts in the post or take gifts with u every time u go there, but remember gifts are not important.. The mother might prefer that you buy 5 tins of baby powder , nappies, high factor suncream for example and this would benefit more (especially if they havent got much money)

I think u need to make sure ur name is down on the babies birth certificate

And make a plan for regular contact

Musical toys, rattles, soft toys, bath toys, soft books are best for a young baby..

As i said... All that baby needs is 'you' , your love attention and your time..

Good luck and congrats

[supergirl]

Congratulations!
And i am so happy you are in love with your child!

As the previous poster said, arrange regular contacts but we aware that a newborn needs both parents but mainly his mummy. So try to come in the evening (if mum ok), for bath time/bedtime for ex. Come during the day at w-e so you can sing to him, coo to him, playing rattles, soft toys to gently stimulate him. When it will be time for weaning be there for mesltimes too. And slowly but surely, build up a relationship with him so you can have him for day and overnight.
One advice though: mums know best, so thats not to say you dont know anything but to say that some mums like things done their way when it comes to their babies/children. In yours and your child interest you need to stay on the mum book so do like she does, ask her how she does things, ask her about the routine, etc so she cannot say that she diesnt trust you. Of course unless she does smthg that goes against your values. Ofcourse he us your child too so needs your input so discuss things with the mum but remember to be very diplomatic in your wording. The child lives with her and you dont want her to stop letting you seeing him (because she can).

When it comes to stuffs you need is a cot (john lewis), high chair (later on), playmat, a few books, rattle, doft toys, teething rings, dont worry sbout buying clothes just yet because if you have him
Overnight it is likely she ll give a change of clothes in the bag. Baby bath, rubber ducks and off you go. Sun hat and high factor suncream. But ask the mum for brands, size, etc.

And yes do help with with the wveryday stuffs milk, nappies, etc.

Good luck, you re on a fabulous journey! Sx