sexism comment at work - just returned after maternity leave Post Reply

[claphamama]

Hi fellow mums,

I have just returned to work - on Monday - and I already had to listen to a sexist comment made by my in line manager. I am not sure if I am being over sensitive here or I should do something about it. I am a senior project manager and lead project manager on a specific client - when I went back to work on monday I got handovered all projects related to that client especially one which is a really interesting piece of work. I was quite excited about it and keen to go back into my job. I even said that to the head of the department when we had a meeting. Yesterday - 3rd day in the office - my in line manager (production manager) tells me they decided to give that project to someone else (a guy) because I just returned to work, I work only 4 days a week and I might get stressed if the project turn out to be a bit challenging. In exchange i will have the honour (and he really tried to make it sounds like a privilege) to take care of our internal company website (no offence to anyone but that's usually something you will give to an intern to manage as no client money involved and no harm to be done!). This little speech was made in front of the all department making me feel even more stupid and humiliated. I then asked the head of dep to have a private chat and explained the issue saying I felt treated differently because I just came back from maternity leave. He - of course - said it wasn't the case and they were expecting me to run the main stream of projects and be responsible of...etc. Reasons behind that decision where different etc. I kept thinking about it and I am not sure I want to leave it there. Part of me knows it was a stupid comment not really meant but part of me is disgusted anyone can be made feel like that - no matter how much I proved myself before, how many projects I delivered, now that I am a mum 'I might get stressed'.
Sorry for the long post, I would really like to hear other opinions maybe from someone that has been there before. Thanks!

[BalhamMumWorkingFT]

As my user name indicates, I am a working mum and I must say, the first time I came back from Maternity... I was "offered a job" (my old one was Tuped - don't ask) working for someone who basically reported into me a few years back! It was a hard case to argue and because I generally like my job... I shut up and put up. Saying that, I was pregnant again pretty quickly an ended up only being there 8 months before I was on Maternity leave again. I returned 4 months later because a bigger job was open and I wanted it. I got it but had to go back "early"... Always something!

I think the best thing to do is to evaluate what you really want out of the job and if you feel you are really being hard done by, go to HR. It is best to report formally when you feel you are being singled out because of being a working mother. If it leads to bigger issues, it is much better to have it documented from the beginning.

I wish you the best of luck and I hope that it all works out. Political stress at work is the worst.

x

[Almaceti]

I'm not sure whether you are concerned by the comment (risk of being stressed) or by the change in your job (website rather than working with the client). If it is "only" the comment, but you are happy with the new position, I would just give up if I were you, unless it becomes repetitive...
However, if you are concerned that you are given less interesting/important tasks just because you are now a mum (and they think you will be less efficient, have more days off for family reasons...), then that's different and you should complain to your managers / HR.

[lalectrice]

Complain. It's just this kind of casual sexism, endemic in the workplace, that sustains crappy stereotypes of women and contributes to their disempowerment. The public nature of the patronising little speech is a particularly unsavoury touch, both humiliating and disempowering to you, as well as cowardly on the part of your colleague (as you would be less likely to challenge him publicly).

[AbbevilleMummy]

I would definitely fight it. It's not just a sexist comment, which we all have to deal with from time to time, it's discriminatory actions which are preventing you from having the same opportunities as a man would have.

It is not right and is against the law. You need to nip this in the bud now! If you role over now and let them treat you like this then your career there is doomed and you will never be a fully respected member of the team.

I know causing ripples is stressful but you absolutely have to fight for your career when returning from your mat leave! Would you have stood for this pre-children? If the answer is no then I think you know what you have to do.

Good luck!

[supergirl]

Complain in writing to HR. please do not make my mistakes (in my previous life ie. pre-children, i was badly bullied by my in line manager. I have never complained because he had made me feem do unconfident that i was convinced it was my fault... Until few yrs later (2yrs ago) i heard he got sidetracked for bullying (another woman) and sexism).

You need to stand up for yourself and if you have a track record (pre maternity leave) of delivering it should not be too difficult to argue your case. But make sure of what you want first. If you are sure of wanting your job back with all the ups and all the pressure, complsin and fight for it. But if somehow your priorities have shifted, you need make sure this is worth the hassle. As somebody said olitical stress at work is the worst.

Good luck. Sx

[clapset]

So you've been advised its sexism and discrimination. I'd be very careful. I'm not an practicing employment lawyer, but I have defended a couple of employment tribunal claims. I'd rather defend this one than bring the claim. Chill out things will change they always do. If they guy leaves next month...

[claphamama]

Thanks everyone. I am writing an email for HR to be sent out tomorrow. I agree with what some of you have said re. putting it in writing. Yes, priorities are different now - I want to be back home in the evening to see my daughter more than anything - but I like my job and I do get excited when I work on a good project. And I cannot stand the fact that someone can get away with making comments like that.

[Mum2Monkey]

I understand how you feel - I work for a large consultancy company and when I returned from maternity leave my first couple of months were hell. Male colleagues getting all the good projects whilst I was basically demoted to analyst grade. I kept a log of everything that went on and considered taking it to HR / to an employment lawyer. However, after speaking to others I decided that if I rocked the boat it would only get worse and I'd basically be unemployable ..... so in the end I just knuckled down and get on it (with lots of tears in the evening). Now, after 6 months things are pretty much back to where they were before I went on maternity leave. I've worked incredibly hard - far harder than my male colleagues - and never mention my little one at work, leaving my husband with more than his share of childcare. However finally I feel I am being treated like I was before I left.... and over the next few months hope to gradually ease back the hours as others watch me a little less....

Of course this has a left a very bitter taste in my mouth - and I can't wait to get pregnant again, take a full year of maternity leave and then tell them where to stick their job!

I would think twice about rocking the boat too much though. I know it is really horrible and you feel demotivated, embarrased and thoroughly miserable. However, a lot of people go through this when they go back to work and in most cases it does seem to work itself out....

Good luck with it.

[mandmassage]

Just interested as you state "be made to feel like that".

No one can make you feel anything. You are being sensitive to the fact that you have just come back to work.

These are your feelings, to be successful and respected we have to take responsibility for our feelings.

I recently started a new job and I have been over sensitive to people's comments around me, not respecting my opinion and one person telling me to be quiet. It has been annoying me for some time, I have felt really emotional about it. Until I realised, people need time to respect a new person in that role, we need to prove ourselves.

To step in and complain this early would be a mistake, keep yourself busy, be efficient and thorough and keep your head down, in time people will know you by your work and will respect you for that.

Put yourself in the shoes of the person handing out the work, wouldn't you want to ensure it was done by the best person available and one you trust.

Good luck, it isn't easy coming back to work.

[clapset]

Agree with mum2monkey. All they will say is the internal web is one of key projects. Have a quiet word with the man and leave it at that. He will then have it in for you. He will get his peers onside and you will be pushed out .. That's worst case. What's hr going to say - you're right here take his job? Do you have a significant enough claim to resign and take it to tribunal ... If not bite you're lip and play the long game - put you're head above the parapet and you are inviting others to shoot. I'm sure others will disagree ... But think before you send the letter, what will you achieve .. Keep us informed of what happens

[mgb]

I understand this completely. I work for a large financial services firm and my experience was the same as Mum2monkey describes. Things were tough for a while, I felt horribly marginalised and angry at times, but after a while everything went back to normal. Took about six months for me as well. Hang in there x

[Happymama]

I would echo the good advise from mum2monkeys. I am not sure you should complain to HR so soon. Personally if I were you I would give it a bit of time and hopefully soon they will realise that you are committed to your job and really want to go back to working on the projects you were working on before. I speak from experience having returned to work after my second a few years ago. It took about 6 / 8 months (and plenty of tears in the evenings too!!) for things to get back to “normal”. In my case my priorities also completely changed (and again it took me a few months to realise). I realised that I want to work and I want to do a good job but I no longer have aspirations to become the CEO !!! I think by complaining to HR you will only make things worse at this stage.
Good luck – as you can see from the posts above you are not alone and lots of us have been in the same boat and understand how you feel.

[Westi]

Hi there,
I am also a full time working Mum. I would say you need to think tactically and work out who has the power to actually change things for you/give you the projects you want. In my experience, however great your HR team are they do not have this power.
It sounds like you have done the right thing so far, but would there be any merit in asking to remain involved with the project? I bet with your experience you could act as a "consultant" on it alongside your website role. This could serve as an ongoing reminder of your experience and keenness and could help put you back in pole (poll?) position to lead the next interesting project.
Unfortunately I agree with previous posters that you do have to work extra hard to remind people of your abilities post maternity, much as men would if they had taken a sabattical (tellingly, I note that most senior men are too nervous to take sabbaticals these days, even where this remains an option...).
Good luck, I have no doubt you will get there but I would be inclined to assess your options calmly before making your move.

[kiwimummy]

i can see why you're annoyed, but I don't think emailing HR is the best course of action. give yourself time to acclimatize back into work and to remind them just how good you are at your job. this may just be a transition issue and something that won't be an issue medium or long term. you did the right thing speaking to your boss, but there isn't much else hr can do presently.

keep a written note of the date and what was said and add any further grievances to it. that way you can raise this and further instances if it becomes clear it's going to be an ongoing problem.