Aaaargh- should I return to work or be a stay-at-home-mum? Post Reply

[BalhamMumWorkingFT]

There is a HUGE marked difference between a 6 month old baby and a 12 month old. Taking this all in with a 6 month old is very hard but necessary especially given the personality of your child.

It is ALWAYS hard to leave my two babies (although they are 3 and 4)... The right nanny will be excellent for you and your child but don't rush it. A happy mother is just as important as a happy child!

I hope things improve for you both especially regarding your independence and her dependence. For what it is worth, I think getting a nanny now even if only for a few hours a week will be a sanity saver even if you are a stay at home mum forever.

Good luck.
x

[excitera]

I'm in the same boat. I need to return to work in October...
My baby is 8 months now and I still can't imagine leaving him full-time with nanny..

Unfortunately my employer won't allow me 3 days a week.. Also I have to finish somehow my degree, which I was doing in the evenings after full-time work...

It will be so disappointing for me to give all my life and myself for my kid, who I love a lot, but isn't it too much?

Being a mother is rewarding, but my relationship with my husband is going downhill.... he'd fallen in love with the always busy intellectual girl in white shirt girl and on the high heels.. and now I'm flats, sometimes no make-up, always tired...

[worriedmum]

You"ve just described my relationship too! Tracksuit bottoms and no make-up in my case (wouldn't have been seen dead without make-up pre-baby!). Not sure going back to work will necessarily help in my case as I fear we will bicker about who will sort out baby breakfast, get back to relieve the nanny etc. We've already rowed about the fact he says he can't promise to do childcare on parents' evenings (I only have to do 2 or 3 a term!) as he might have client soirees etc. Boils down to the fact that he earns considerably more than I do, which always gives his work priority in his view.

[KatherineHepburn]

Yikes! Try your best to avoid going down the 'who works harder', 'who has more or less time' route.
I sold my business about a month before giving birth to my first with the idea that as soon as I had some clear mental space I'd start another up....
Well, I now have 3 kids and am loving every minute of being a stay at home mum. The women with kids around this area are remarkable, intelligent people with whom I can happily while away a playdate and it has truly been a gift to be able to see my first, now 3 years old, grow and develop.
Who cares whether I wore make-up for the first few months?? (just don't stray into Space NK by accident!!!)
Yes there will be crappy days. Poos so bad you end up cutting their clothes off, Chicken Pox, sleepless nights, tantrums...need I go on? And it'll be OK to whine and complain when those days happen. But should you decide to give it a go, chances are good you won't regret it.

Get a great baby-sitter for the evenings so you still get dress up date-nights - or for parent evenings should you go back 3 days a week and work slowly on getting your baby used to other people helping out.

You can't buy this time back....but as a teacher your career should wait for you.

[AbbevilleMummy]

I think most of us have been in the same position as you and there is no perfect answer I'm afraid.

A couple of things I'd be careful of...

Your baby is constantly changing and developing. At around 6 months they start goin through separation anxiety but she should be through this by 12 months old.

Also, you want your child to gradually become less dependent on you emotionally so a couple of hours or days apart might be a good thing for both of you.

It's really difficult to make this decision whilst you're in the thick of it at home. It's too difficult to try and make an unemotional, rational decision when snuggled up with your little bundle of joy!

From your post you sound as though you really enjoy your job and you've managed to negotiate a job share so in both those respects you're very lucky. If I were you, I'd give it a go for a few months and then you will be able to make a more informed decision about your future, but you won't know until you try it.

If you go down the nanny route then I wouldn't worry about your husband putting his job first. Build up a good relationship with the nanny where she does breakfast if you need to get in early and she can babysit on parent evenings etc. Nannies are much more reliable and flexible than husbands!

[Jetsettingbaby]

The only thing i can say on this subject, as I am a stay at home mum to a 2 year old. is that you need to what is right for YOU. and in your post it sounded like you need to be stimulated mentally and its so nice to get dressed up and to go out to the adult world it can be lonely at home all the time. A happy mummy is a happy baby. if you go to work the time you will spend with your baby will be much happier and you will be delighted to spend the time with your bubs. when your at home yes she does get you and no one can teach your child better than you , but if your not happy and she is super clingy then you will get stressed out. could be good for her to have someone else look after her for a while. just do what ever you think is better for you first ..
thats my 2 cents as confusing as it is.

[BalhamMumWorkingFT]

My hubby and I have a rule:

Never compare who is more tired. You both are... you will be exhausted for a long time... Instead, make sure the other knows when you feel great and can do more!

It is something we learned way late in the game, but it does make a big difference.

[LauraBrown]

I don't normally post on these type of threads but your love of your work shines through in your posts and made me want to say something...

From what I can tell from your posts, you're worried that somehow your little girl will be harmed if you go back to work 3 days per week - the cortisol, child psychology books etc. I have totally been there and worried about that and am a big believer in not leaving little babies to cry etc etc. However, as your baby gets towards 1 and beyond, I think things become different. They start to understand that every time you leave, you do come back and so these issues are just not the same as a 6 weeker lying screaming in its cot.

I think 3 days a week is a fantastic compromise - your little girl will be with you for more days than she's not, especially including holidays, and I'm sure you'll find a nanny who can look after her well and build a caring relationship with her too. It's interesting that lots of the stay at home mums still like their children to spend time at nursery... I guess if you're a teacher (my husband is too) that you'll pretty much always be home for bedtime (save parents evenings) so it'll never be too long til you're back with her...

I love working and being with my kids (a 2 year old, a 5 year old and one on the way) and I honestly think that my working had had no negative impact on them - it's just the way it is and they happily go through life without giving it a second thought... I always think of the fact that my mum stayed at home for the first few years but she was always busy with housework and other stuff - it's not like we sat cuddling and playing the whole time!!

Good luck making your decision!!

[AntoniaB]

One thing I will say to add my penny's worth - I agonised over the decision to return to work with my first child. I hated my job anyway, and all the salary would have only covered the cost of childcare, so why return to it?

But then when my daughter turned 11 months, I discovered she needed far more stimulation than what I could give her at home. It was exactly the same with my second child. They both ended up in daycare one day a week, and then I returned to work as a freelancer and filled the ad hoc childcare gaps somehow. It was far tougher for me than them!

I am now pregnant with number three and have since given up the freelance lifestyle - it pays well but is difficult to juggle childcare with more than 1 child.

In my limited experience, working 3 days a week is much more do-able than 4 or even 5 days a week if you want to have a good balance with stimulation and home life.

[supermummy]

for what it's worth....i absolutely dreaded going back for all the same reasons. i went into a new job so full time (no chance to haggle for part time!) and very very sad about leaving my 1 year old but i thought i ought to at least give it a go before i called time on my my hard earned career.

But, 2 years on, i actually really enjoy my job (well, most of the time), i am now in a position where i can work from home one day and i am genuinely torn about what is best for my child and my long term sanity/fulfilment.

i agree with other posters, you also have to consider that you are not just a parent, if you enjoy some independence and actually love your job, you might find the balance really works. plus, if you can do part time, in my book you have the best of both worlds!

it is very considerate of you not to want to quit soon after you go back but you have to do what is best for you so if you hate it after giving it a go, just leave, that's life and they will just have to deal with it.

good luck.

[HikingGirl]

Sense if identity is truly important and you are too. You can't always be there for you daughter.

Interestingly many mums, when their children grow up find: yes, bonding and a stable environment is very important these first years, however it can be provided by anyone! Doesn't have to be mum or dad. When they get to be teenagers this is different. From about 9 they really have their own opinion who they want to look after them.

I worked from when my baby was 1 till he was 4. The job became full-time and it no longer worked for us as a family, and I had to leave the job. I now work from home.

[womblemama]

Totally agree with the previous posters who have pointed out there's a huge difference between a 6 month old and a 1 year old. By one they are much more independent and less absolutely dependent on you. I went back to work when my daughter was just under 1 and it was by far the worst part of my maternity leave year - worse than birth, sleep deprivation, everything - because I was so worried about how she would cope without me (she was also a very difficult baby, cried a lot). As it turned out, she has thrived, gained a real personality and sense of fun, has come on so much more than I think she would have if she was at home with me, and adores being with the other children at nursery. I don't think she's been harmed in the slightest. And I love the independence (financial and personal) I get with being back at work. Good luck with your decision.

[leahmouse]

I'm about to go back to work and my baby is 13 months. I've not really left him that much before, although he has spent quite a lot of time on his own with his dad (ie a few hours at a time) and it will be so hard to leave him.

BUT he is so much more independent now than he was at 6, or even 9-10 months. If I leave the room, he plays happily by himself or with whoever is there. He does come looking for me and I think he will miss me, but I also know he has the capacity to understand that I will come back - he already sees that his dad goes away every morning and comes back every evening.

I'm lucky because my husband is a teacher so he will be at home with the baby for the next 6 weeks, and after that we are both working part-time, with the baby also going to nursery one day a week & grandparents one day a week. It seems the right balance for our family, but I am definitely still nervous about how it's going to work out

No-one can tell you what to do, unfortunately, and there are pros & cons on both sides. I just wanted to reassure you that there is a massive difference between a 6month old and a 1 year old. 3 days a week is a lovely balance and personally I would give it a try. If you really don't like it, you can resign & the school will find someone to take your place in the jobshare. They will get over it, and at least you'll know you gave it a try. BUT that's just my perspective. Good luck

[PipG]

I went back to work when my little girl was 8.5 months old initially 3 days a week and then 4. I love it, not the work really but the adult conversations and also the fact that I feel some freedom.

It makes me enjoy my time with my little one much more than I would if I was a full time mum.

[HikingGirl]

Just to continue, as had to go, my son was calling:

I would say, ask yourself: do you like your job? do you enjoy working? If so, it might be wise to continue till the summer and re-evaluate.

At the same time, if you feel you need to be at home, that is an absolutely valid feeling and many mums (and some dads) do stay at home to parent. Wouldn't worry about isolation, about half the mums I know stay at home. If you don't feel it's a drudge and you are isolated now after 6 months, you are probably not going to.

What many people do underestimate is the loss of confidence, identity, status and financial independence that comes with giving up their paid job. It seems okay at first, but after being at home a bit longer it doesn't get easier. And you end up spending quite a lot of time tidying up after your partner and washing his socks so to speak, as 'you are at home anyway'.

If you think it will be easy to get back in, into a part-time job, that makes a big difference and might make it easier to take a few years out, as many people struggle getting back in, once they have been out for a number of years.

If you do return, make sure you find a good nanny or minder, that helps you get your daughter settled a few weeks before you are back due at work.

All the best with your decision. It may not sound easy now, but really anything can be changed. It's not set in stone. You can quite now, and get back in when you get bored too! You can continue to the summer and re-evaluate. 6 months may seem like a long time, and it will when you are doing it, but in 3 years time you will be looking back and wondering what all the fuss was about. Trust me. After-pregnancy hormones seem to make you very vulnerable to these type of worries.

Inge