Aaaargh- should I return to work or be a stay-at-home-mum? Post Reply

[NYE31]

My husband & I shared the 1st year, I took 7 months off & my husband took 5 months and now our son goes to nursery 4 days a week. I had to go back to work 4 days a week when my son was 7 months old (I'm an Associate Partner). It was hard at first but I think if you can give your child the 1 year of its life with you, then once they get to one, the social interaction of nursery or a nanny & going to classes can be very good.

It's not easy to leave them & it was very hard at first but it gets easier & I told myself that I was giving my son a more secure future by going back to work & my husband loved his 5 months paternity leave.

Do what's best for you & what you feel most comfortable with. You will never be bored as there's loads to do & get involved with around here.

I take my son to Tin pan annie on a Friday & we've met lots of other Mums & lttle ones. He also does swimming classes, sing & sign and has play dates with some of my NCT group.

Good luck x

[ckwmum]

I'm not really adding anything new, just wanted to say that I had read everything I could get my hands on about cortisol and staying with your child until the age of 3 etc etc, so I know how you feel. I went back to work just right before my son turned 1, and let me assure you - I was absolutely dreading it. There was nothing in me that wanted to go back, but I couldn't afford not to. I had found the most amazing nanny and nanny share arrangement, I knew he would be fine but my heart was breaking still. I was convinced I would never feel differently about it either so it felt even harder.

But I did go back, and really quickly I saw how great it was. He absolutely loves the time he spends with the nanny, she's brilliant and he's in love with his nanny share buddy. And I really enjoy having a bit of a break (really weird to see work as a break, but hey...) as I too love my job and it was so nice to have a different identity and go back to talking to people who don't have kids. Don't get me wrong, I love talking to all my NCT friends and other friends who have kids, but it's so nice to have a range of people. And to be able to sit and have a coffee, go out for lunch, and just generally have a bit of time to myself.

It's impossible to know how different things would have been if I'd never gone back to work though. I probably would have loved that too! Nobody can ever have done both things so it's really hard to make this choice.

2 things I will say - firstly, I read Oliver James How Not To F*** Them Up which gave me really good advice about how to find a childcare solution that worked for me without compromising how I felt my son should be looked after.

Secondly, there are no right or wrong choices, you make whatever choice you make work for you, if that makes sense. So if you decide to go back to work, then just put any worries out of your mind and focus on making that the best possible decision of your life, and focus your energy on doing small things to feel good about your choice. Equally if you decide to stay home, do everything you need to to feel good about that choice as that's the best way to use your energy, worrying about what could go right/wrong isn't. Easier said than done, I know, but I'm just trying to say that it's not black or white, it's what you make it.

Hope that makes sense. Good luck making your decision, it's the hardest thing I've ever done in my life but also one of the best things I've ever done for all concerned.

[jellyhead]

It's a question like this that can keep you up at night, nag you all day and keep you arguing and counter-arguing with yourself until you don't know which way is up! Even once you feel you've made a decision, how do you truly find peace with it?

As a working mum of 2 I can really sympathise with your position. I used to work 12 hour days four days a week until it just became impossible. I felt I was missing out on both family life as well as being over-looked at work for being a 'part-timer'. I ended up resigning.

I felt so strongly about how tough it was for a woman in this position I set up a business, jellyhead, to help working women find their mojo again after having babies. jellyhead helps mums make their own decisions and feel confident in them, we work with new mums who have to go back to work and are dreading it, mums who feel like they have lost all confidence in themselves and their abilities. jellyhead also aims to educate business as to how important it is to keep hold of amazing female talent when they have a family (a lofty ambition, I know!)

What I've learned is something I think we all know - we are each of us different and all trying our best to do our best for our families and ourselves.

I wish you the very best of luck in whatever decision you make, and feeling confident in your choice.

[charlottelbb]

I thought perhaps you might like it from a different perspective...
I am in my 12th year as a trained Norland Nanny.
One thing I have always said to working mothers who feel bad about not spending enough time with their children, Its not quantity time that's the most important, it's quality time! If you were to spend 4 days with your child at home, I think this could be a very good balance. Some mothers have told me they actually feel they are better parents for working as it allows them to enjoy their children so much more when they are with them. Have more patience etc.
My current employer was very sad when she had to return to work when her baby was 4 months old, otherwise she risked loosing her job. However after about a week of having returned to work, things became easier or her. You would need to find the right nanny who you feel happy to leave your child with. I'm sure if your child was in my care, she wouldn't cry all the time. My charge has grown into a very confident, happy little 4 year old! There are some advantages also of having a nanny. I do all of the children's cooking and washing etc so that mum can then enjoy fun quality time just playing with her child.
I have always taken pictures of the children, And sent them to my bosses so they can see what the children are up to during the day, and to reassure that they are having lots of fun. It is also a nice idea to write a diary which helps to keep you well informed and so you don't feel left out of any important things.
You need to do what makes you happiest but just from a nanny's point of view, I do know it gets easier for the parents to leave and with the right childcarer, you could still have a very happy little child!

Best of luck with whatever you decide.

[mshahcoulon]

Hi! I had twins March 2011 and went back to work March 2012.
I work a 3-day week and my employer is pretty flexible so am working 9.30-4.30.
Even before I started thinking about going back I put the twins in a local chiildrens' centre. They were really young, and part of me felt really guilty...I did because I got the spaces and I would need them once I started working.
Looking back, it was the best thing for them and me. They love it, they learn how to share and play with other kids and get cared for by someone other than me. You are right that the "someone else" will probably never care for her like you do...but in a strange way you dont want them to (well I dont anyway) because it means you are that much more special!

HAving read your post, I think it will seriously help you and baby if you go back to work. There will inevitably be a few tears etc from what you describe, but in the long run, it will be good for you and her. When you actually do spend the 2 days that you have off with her, they will be so special as you would have had a good working week, feel mentally stimulated etc, and this will then offer a great change.
I really recommend going back to work...of course the final choice is yours!
Best of luck.

[swayam2003]

Dear Worried Mum

I can imagine your feeling of being torn even though I'm so sure of my own decision to stay at home with my 8 month old twins (I keep claiming that going back to work with twins isn't viable even though I'm pretty sure I would have made the same decision with just 1 baby ! It's not like I don't trust nannies or nurseries who obviously do a fantastic job but having waited for a long time to have my precious littles, I'm not keen on missing out on any stage of their development. It would break my heart to have to hear of a new achievement on their part and not be there to witness it myself, first hand! I don't want to be resentful of some poor innocent just because they heard one baby say 'Mamma' for the first time or watched my other baby take his first steps!

I consider myself fortunate to be able to choose to be a stay-at-home Mum without it impinging on our financial status. That said, I do realise that I may suddenly be at a loss for what to do with myself once the children are in school. For that reason, I'm hoping to re-train and do something else once the bubs are older...be it beauty therapy or something else that I feel passionately about. I'll then try to veer it around the children's schedule. One thing I try to do now is watch the news/read the headlines just so that I continue to be interesting company and not someone who can only think in goo goo language!

I hear you about fearing your loss of identity. I don't know what age group you teach but would private tuitions at home be an option? Or if you teach very young children then assuming you're good with them (you appear to enjoy your job and seem very committed), why don't you look into conducting your own playgroups/music sessions/story times?

Ultimately, the decision is yours and try not to beat yourself up about it, whatever you choose to do. Remember, that everything happens for a reason! If you decide to stay at home with your little one for a few years, try to make those years exciting for the both of you. If you decide to go back to work part time, then after the initial yearning on both your parts, your little angel is sure to become a lot more independent. I hope that you have a wonderful, supportive partner who backs you up wholeheartedly, whichever road you take. Good luck! x

[worriedmum]

THANK YOU everyone for your massively helpful advice and insights, which have helped me enormously in making a decision. I have agonised and agonised - and of course remain rather panicked! - but have decided to go back to work. A number of posters commented on my evident enthusiasm for my job and I was struck that this was so apparent in a relatively brief outline of my situation. I do love my job and suspect that I might become mildly functionally depressed at spending all of my time immersed in nappies and playgroups. I love my daughter more than life itself and the thought of someone else seeing her first steps or hearing her first word is extremely painful. At heart I can't really justify leaving her. BUT I hope that the right nanny/childminder will nurture her in a way that helps her confidence - and as several people have said, I can always leave work if she's really struggling. (I would feel absolutely awful about dumping school in it, but I'd do it if I was convinced my child's emotional welfare was at stake.) If I can gently build up her exposure to and the time she spends with another carer, perhaps she will be OK (will she??? Eeek!). And I am heartened by the huge difference people are saying there is between 6 and 12 months. Thanks again for all of your kind, supportive and practical words. Now all I have to do is find the right carer - aaaaargh!!

[CitySlicker]

I think you have to do whatever works for you.
To give you a slightly different perspective. I went back to work when my child was 4 months old. As my husband and I both work in the same, relatively well paid industry, I was lucky enough that it was a choice for me to go back to work rather than a financial need.
My reason for going back to work was not because I have some great love for my job (especially in this banker bashing era!), but I feel like I have worked really hard for my career and didn't want to give it up.
That said, given the choice, I would have liked to do 4 days but not possible in my job. As such, given my working hours, my child is looked after by a nanny from 6am til 8am and then when the nursery opens is in childcare til 6pm.

The point of me saying all this is because (in my opinion) my child is looked after by other people far more than most, yet he is perfectly happy, polite, confident, outgoing etc. So if my child is fine with a huge amount of childcare, chances are yours will be fine with being in creche/nanny 3 days a week.
I caveat all of the above by saying that I know not all children are the same and also that if I thought for even a second, that my little one was remotely affected by it, I'd give up tomorrow.

And whilst I think everyone should do what works for them, (and I applaud stay at home mothers, I certainly couldn't do it), I know I risk some wrath by saying, what is the point in working hard at school/university, establishing a good career, working your way up to the corporate ladder etc only to give it up as soon as you have a baby?

[i'macowboy]

Hi there OP,

I see you've made your decision but wanted to post to reassure you. I could have written your post three years ago - my daughter was exactly the same, incredibly clingy, wouldn't let anyone else hold her other than me and her dad (and she wouldn't always settle with him). If anyone else looked after her even for a minute while I left the room, she'd immediately start crying, even with my mum, who she saw all the time. And like your daughter, she would only nap on me - I carried her around in a sling for about 9 months, it nearly killed my back!

I was desperate to go back to work but couldn't for the life of me see how this would be possible, I just blindly hoped that I would find someone who she would magically feel comfortable with. And do you know what? I did. I saw lots of childminders and nannies (like you, I ruled out nursery early on). With most of them she did cry when I left, experimentally, for a few minutes - but with one nanny she was absolutely fine. I have no idea why - I don't know what was different about her, but I watched my daughter sit happily in her arms, listened from the other room as she DIDN'T cry... I honestly felt like I was witnessing some kind of miracle! Of course, much of it was down to the fact that her (now ex-) nanny is a lovely person - kind, gentle and nurturing. Unfortunately she's no longer working as a nanny or I would offer you her details!

Anyway, just to say that you may need to start early and meet with a fair number of carers, but I bet you'll find someone who has that magical effect on your baby, and things will work out. Also, as others have said, a year-old baby really is very different from a 6-month-old one, and the older they get the easier they find these things. My daughter took a little while to settle into nursery at 18 months, but now she loves it, and is hugely excited about starting preschool in September. And the legacy of a 'clingy' baby, in my case at least, is that she's turned into a super-cuddly, very affectionate 3-year-old, which I love. Good luck! I hope it all works out - I have confidence that it will.

[worriedmum]

Thank you SO much for sharing your experience, i'macowboy - it's hugely reassuring to hear from a parent of another 'high need' baby. My daughter's anxiety around anyone except me is without doubt the most worrying aspect of returning to work. Like you, I am a back-broken sling wearer due to her love of being held close. She hates the car seat and until quite recently always cried in the buggy too - loudly enough for 'Is she all right?' comments from passers-by... I always ended up taking her out and putting her in the sling, despite having ongoing post-natal problems that mean I'm not supposed to carry heavy things around! Anyway, she is happier in the buggy now and I'm working on more exposure to other people (not easy when family don't live close by and much of her time is spent with just me). Your positive experience has really heartened me - they do say the babies who want to be held all the time turn into affectionate, secure toddlers! Now if only your nanny was still available...

[i'macowboy]

Ahh, your posts are bringing back all the memories: hates car seat? Tick! Always cries in the buggy? Tick! I have to say that part of the reason I was so keen to go back to work was that although I loved her so fiercely, I sometimes found being physically attached to her ALL THE TIME kind of suffocating. Now, 3ish years later, I just love her cuddles and really appreciate, in retrospect, that very physically close time we had. I'm now pregnant again and gearing up for the possibility of another baby kangaroo situation in 6 months' time . I'm (not so) secretly hoping for the kind of baby I can actually put down from time to time, but who knows...! Good luck with your search - you'll get there (and so will she!)

[i'macowboy]

Just one more thing: I strongly suspect (though obviously can't know for sure) that what helped about having a nanny (apart from how lovely she was, obviously) was the fact that it meant my daughter could be in her own home, in familiar surroundings, which I'm guessing gave her some of the reassurance she needed. So if you can afford a nanny (we couldn't really, but it was worth the temporary bankruptcy!), then that might be a useful factor in influencing your decision.

[edam]

I'm sure I cant add much to what has already been said by the other helpful posters, but would say from my experience...

From birth to 9 months I couldnt imagine a single moment without my daughter and never left her with anyone. But at 10 months, I started missing work and felt so guilty towards my daughter.

I made the decision to back 3 days p/w and she started nursery at 1yr - first month was hell for me but its amazing how quickly they adapt, my little one took it all in her stride and absolutely LOVES nursery.

I loved doing 3 days - such a great balance, could still go to my favourite toddler groups etc. although I'm now doing 4 days per week and hate it. Luckily am having my second in October so back on mat leave soon!

Such a hard decision but def think you're doing the right thing!
Good luck

[carrakane]

I haven't read every response here, but I would like to add that I have many friends that love being back at work 3 days - as they still have 4 days at home which means you are with your family more than you are not! I would suggest starting as soon as possible to get small amounts of time away from your daughter. Start with 1 hr and work your way up to more. It will be good for both of you. I have 2 children and personally didn't go back to work as the salary vs childcare didn't add up (and we have no family around to help). I love being home (most days) but recently started "work" - as I was really missing having something that was my own. My life was all about my children and not much time was left for me. I am now a stylist with Stella & Dot, so I work when I want/can and I love it!! Maybe you could talk with some other teachers that have done what you are doing and see how it was for them? One of the women in my NCT group went back to teaching 3 days and was really happy with her decision. I wish you the best and hope you are happy with your final decision

[norlandnanny]

Hi worriedmum

what an interesting thread! i read your OP with interest, and the replies have made some really relevant points. I am also a qualified Norland nanny (altho a bit older than the other poster - 20 yrs out of college) and have since studied psychology at undergrad and post-grad level. firstly, remember that it is ENTIRELY normal for your baby to be clingy at 6 mths and to be unsure of less familiar people. this is the age at which babies realise that they exist independently of their mother and all children go through this phase, to a greater or lesser extent. It signifies 2 things: that your baby understands that you represent safety and that, as she develops the ability to move away, she needs to stay close to you. However, if you start working on this now (eg getting her used to napping alone etc), you can expect that by 8-9 mths of age she will be getting used to being relaxed around other, familiar people.

Remember: it's prompt CARER nurture that the baby needs, not necessarily parental nurture. Clearly, if this is a single, familiar person it will be easier for your baby to adapt to than a nursery situation where carers can be multiple. You should think about a fairly long intro with your chosen person to give her time to adapt.

Finally: you (we all) are evolutionarily programmed to be with our small dependent people. There's no escaping that. It will be hard for you to leave her. It is likely that in fact she will find it easier to adapt to staying home with another carer (as long as you have prepared her) than you will find it easy to leave her there. You may also feel conflicted that she seems happy to now be looked after by someone else, when she has relied on you so much up to now and you clearly have a very close bond. However, part of successful parenting is acknowledging your own needs, as well as those of your child. It is better for both of you that you are also fulfilled in order that you can fully appreciate the time you have together. It's good to see you have reached a decision - often hearing others' thoughts helps to clarify our own.

3 important things:
prepare, prepare, prepare. you have time for you both to get used to being apart. gradually
don't compare yourself to other people. do what is right for you and your family.
you will know when you find the right person for you both. trust your gut.