Do you know of anyone who has made an affair "work" Post Reply

[KiwiAmanda]

I have long thought about what I would do if I found out a friend's husband was cheating on her, given the possible repercussions ranging from losing a friend to breaking up a home, and I have come to the conclusion that I would tell them as I would want to know if it were me being cheated on. I was cheated on by a boyfriend and it is the most humiliating feeling when you find out other people knew, especially those that saw you as a couple on a regular basis. For a start, I wouldn't want to be with someone who had the lack of respect to cheat on me and to lie regularly to my face. I have too much pride in myself to be looked at like a victim by those 'in the know' and most importantly, know I can do better than being with someone who would willingly break my heart.
As woman, we (and the magazines) are continually telling each other that we deserve to be treated with respect and should be with the type of men who support and love us like our parents would hope for us, like we hope for our children.
So it really disturbs me to read this post and the sympathetic responses to what I think is a selfish woman who is only thinking of herself and her needs. We crucify men for not recognising our need to be loved and appreciated, and yet here you lot are trying to justify an affair between a married man and a married woman! What makes you think you're so special that you get to break the rules and deserve the love of not one but two men? Given the choice, do you think your husband would want to be with a cheating wife? Doubtful. So why don't you stop thinking about yourself for once and think about him? Given the choice, maybe he might be happier finding someone else too. Or most likely he would want to work hard to save his marriage. Why don’t you grow up and talk to him first before doing something you’ll most likely end up regretting.

[SingandSignSELondon]

KiwiAmanda - sounds like you've been really hurt in the past .

I am reeling slightly at the vehemence of your opinion - but I think the crucial point you raise is your last one - COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE.

If communication completely breaks down between a couple (in conjunction with dishonesty with oneself and with one's partner) then the relationship needs either to be completely readdressed and all of the offending issues identified and addressed mutually with residual blame or resentment, OR, the relationship is actually a sham and it is only fair to to be honest with your partner and GET OUT before you break hearts and confuse your children.

Children pick up changes in us far more than we are likely to admit. They will KNOW when things aren't right (or different) and their behaviour will almost definitely start to reflect this.

I know. I made this mistake. Step 1 - be honest with yourself and conduct yourself with integrity. Step 2 - act accordingly. Step 3 - be honest in all of your relationships.

That way, you can face the consequences with your head held high. Sue Atkins of Positive Parents recently suggested that "Imagine looking back on this period of your life when you're in your rocking chair at 90. What are your memories? Did you conduct yourself in a way that you can now defend and feel proud of?" (paraphrased by me).
If you can, then you are acting with dignity, respect and integrity. If you can't, then something's got to give....!

[funandfrolics]

Shocked shocked shocked by fatherof6's comments. I have met many women in this area and a large percentage earn as much money or more than their partners before and after maternity. Nappyvalley is full of female lawyers, doctors, barristers, consultants... The fact that you are still not aware that women do better at school and University is shocking. We sometimes do worse at work because we are less cutthroat. That is why we have less money in general. Because we are less prepared to sell our soul.

[Jayssatr]

father of 6 you are so right! i have only just moved to "nappy vally" and all i see every day is mums walking up and down northcote road gossiping, drinking coffee and thinking of what to do with the day.

I have a 2 year old child. My husband has an amazing job that gives us a fab life but i don't just sit around claiming i'm a "stay at home mum" i work from home (while watching max too).

i could never give up work and have my husband give me spening money like i am a child... and at the end of the day i have to show him what i spend my money on NOT GOING TO HAPPEN EVER!!

as for the cheating bit...... go ahead why not THEY ALWAYS DO SO NOW ITS YOUR TURN

[supergirl]

I think it is a shame that a stay at home mum is reduced to being a lazy woman who lives off her husband, drinks coffee and gossips all day long whilst the nanny is sorting out the kids... Maybe there are a few woman like that, but most of them are not.

What about a woman who look after the children, the finances of the household (yes for some this is their life not just their husband), some also help in the family business (without any pay I should stress as it is not "official"), etc.

The post from fatherof6 and the last one are amazing given the fact we live in the XXIst century - I am amazed that there are still some people who thinks like that, so so so old fashion mysoginy...

In most relationship the couple (a man and a woman, or two women, or two men) work as a team. If it makes sense for one of them not to work in a job but to be in charge of the Home (capital H) including kids, house and so on (food, laundry, ...) well then be it. It doesn't make this person less of a human being. This person may not contribute financially but does contribute economically (and all economists would actually agree).

And more importantly, this person (a man or a woman, as there are more and more men who makes the choice of looking after their children) who stays at home for the kids have a very big job and massive responsibilities: They are raising the next generation... Something to think about, don't you think?

So if once a day they drink some coffee, fair enough... Those who goes to work also have a coffee break during the day.

For the records, I am a stay at home mum, a facilitator, head of logistics and supply chain management, an entertainer, a teacher/educator, a moderator, a chef (and I gave myself some michelin stars yes!), a cleaner, a driver (I don't have a car but I buse the bus or my feet so just the same) and a personal shopper! And just to mention in passing, I also work part time outside the house!!!

It would be nice if some would stop be so judgemental.

[sw11_]

Yes - i know this is going off topic a bit but i work in canary wharf when not on maternity leave and the coffee shops there are full of people having coffee all day long - either for business conversations or to get a break from the office for half an hour. I love that some people think stay at home parents round here are lazy because the cafes of northcote road are packed all day, but the office workers who pack out the City coffee shops are apparently not. good one!

[PinkPanther]

Some people will just never understand as they haven't had to spend one day doing all the childcare. What's the point of being married and having kids if you never see any of them? You might as well be having an affair since you are pretty much leading separate lives anyway.

And if people like fatherof6 are just going to complain about having to work all the time to support their wife and kids, then perhaps they should have thought twice before they decided to bring life into this world.

[ckwmum]

I can understand why this has become contentious, because talking about things like affairs is a taboo and shocking subject.

What I don't understand is why it has become an attack on mothers drinking coffee with their friends...

Why is the assumption that people having coffee live off their millionaire husbands? How do you know they aren't on maternity leave? Even if they are stay at home mums, overprivileged or otherwise, why is it wrong for them to meet up with a fellow adult for coffee?

All power to you for looking after your child and working, but you seem to imply that somehow makes you better than this coffee-drinking underclass. Isn't it about choice? Perhaps you would never take money from your husband. Good for you. But why shouldn't other people do that if it works for them?

I really hate this kind of reverse snobbery. If you work, all power to you - it's not an easy thing to do. But nor is staying home with the kids! Why does one side have to be ridiculed in this way?

[fatherof6]

I AGREE