To have a second child or not? Post Reply

[Sam001]

Hi fellow mummies,

I wonder if any of you can help me. My daughter is now 2 and a half and for the time first time since she's born, I am considering having a second one. My husband is not keen to have another one and I keep changing my mind every other day. I would love to have a sibling for my daughter, but on the other hand, I do not want to take away the time and attention that I currently give her.

I had a horrible birth experience with my first and also suffered from postnatal depression which lasted for the first 18 months of her life and therefore am a bit anxious that this might happen again with a second one.

My husband thinks that we are now happy as a family of three and we shouldn't jinx it unless absolutely necessary, however I do not want to regret not having another one, even though I do not feel very strongly about it. I would love to have another one, but am not sure whether I will be able to handle it (emotionally, physically, financially), but this makes me feel guilty that I could potentially be denying my daughter a sibling because I am not strong enough to have another one.

I should also mention that my husband is 48 (and I am 33) and there is also a slight worry that this might potentially increase risk of baby problems. Even though he is in perfectly good health, I also worry that I might end up doing most of the parenting eventually when he gets older.

Saying that, we are also very keen travellers and enjoy our social life and it is only recently that we have started this again and my husband feels that this is an important part of who we are as a couple, and it will be more difficult with two. I know this sounds selfish, but is this a valid reason not to have another one?

How do you know when you are ready for child no. 2? Any advice and your honest opinion is appreciated.

Thanks

[Esbek]

Hi, I have the same dilemma. I had a tough time for about two years after my baby (who is now four) was born and I am over 40. But like you, I don't want my child to be on his own in life after I and my husband are gone (or we become a burden). Given that we are from abroad and unlikely to return home again, it is likely that our child will remain lonely without any cousins, aunts etc. Like you, I am afraid of potential health problems and can't imagine how I will physically and emotionally survive another birth. So I don't think I will ever feel ready for child no. 2 but I will try to have one, because I am ready to make the sacrifice for child no. 1. It is a gamble that I may regret. But this is true for all important life decisions.

I wouldn't worry too much about your husband's age. It is impossible to know who goes (or gets sick) first. My mother was in her 30s when she had me and my siblings and my father was significantly older than her. He has been there for us in our formative years and beyond even though he was not always in perfect health.

I am sorry I can't give a straight answer to your question. I know how many sleepless nights one can spend thinking and worrying about these things. I hope you'll be able to make a decision which will give you a peace of mind. Best of luck.

[Asmeret]

Hi
I know it not easy how about adoption there are a lot children who need love and care if you don't want go through that pain again ,I understand everyone feeling on adoption is different but I always think I would adopt if I have a partner who support me in every way , at the moment I have one child who knows I will be adopting children in future . The best gift you can give to your child is having someone around to play with , share everything with their sibling and you can have a break too while they playing together please correct me if I am wrong it is only that how I feel ....... What ever decision you make good luck I hope we hear from you in future what decion you make and I can learn from that too thx.

[mrsbfrombalham]

hello,
my husband and I had exactly the same conversation when our daughter was 3. In the end, we decided that we did not want another child enough to take the jump and that in fact our family was complete. And this was the right decision for our family. As your husband mentions, we now also have more time as a couple and that's also very important. As a working mum, I also feel I can devote 100% of my attention to my daughter when I am @home.
As an only child myself I can't say I ever missed having siblings and so I really don't feel I am depriving my daughter of anything (and after all not all siblings get on ).
Best of luck in making your decision. Whatever you decide, you can't go wrong - as long as you do what feels right for you and your family.

[ekf]

As others have mentioned its a very personal decision and must take into account your circumstances. For us there's was never any question that we would have at least 2. We both had siblings and could not imagine our child not having any. However had I suffered with postnatal depression, etc then we may have rethought our plan. It's a decision that has to be right for your family. Ours was to have more than 1 child.

[Balham3838]

I'm going through the same dilema too. We had our first child at the start of this year, and were very very lucky to have a healthy and happy baby.

We are now trying to decide whether or not to have number 2.... On one hand I'd love our baby to have a sibling to grow up with, and I love our baby so much that I imagine a second one would be a total joy. But on the other hand, having a baby totally changes your life and relationship. We are just getting to the point where we have the time and energy to spend with each other as a couple, and I am due to return to work soon which will help financially. We haven't been able to do alot of the things we used to love doing - like travelling and going out for great meals - partly due to having less money but also being too tired and shying away from having a jet lagged baby.

My husband has never gotten on with this brother (to put it mildly!), and I have had my ups and downs with mine. So we worry that we would just be giving our baby someone to argue with and not get on with. Also - as you say, what if there were health problems with the second baby?

We swing day to day from wanting to have another to feeling our family is complete. I think, for us, until we are 100% sure a second child is right, we will hold off. Having a baby is such a big emotional commitment that you need to be completely sure. Our daily debate continues.......!

Good luck - it's such a personal decision, you'll come to the right choice for you and your family

[Almaceti]

For me it is definitely yes go for it! 2 children is double happiness and fun in the family, and it is so lovely to see how your children love each other. My 2 boys are very close to each other, the best friends in the world (although more than 3 years appart). Yes it also mean more "work" and less time for you but once you have had one, it is not so much a difference.
It brings a lot to the children to have a sibling (love, fun, learning to live with others, share, find their own place...). My oldest son has a few friends who have no siblings and I can't help finding them a bit lonely or even sad, however when they come to play at home with both my son and his little brother, they really enjoy it.
I think if you decide not to have a second one you will probably always have some regret, whereas if you have a second one you will never regret it. It is a bit like making the decision for the first one: you are scared about losing freedom... but when you have him/her you can't believe you had not done it earlier.
Good luck with your choice and all the best to your family.

[annamike]

I have 2 boys and never thought about how many i wanted. I just felt super-happy when my eldest (5yr) asked me a few days ago: Mummy why do we need friends when we already have our brothers? That made me think that I made the best choice ever

[amybelle79]

Its a tricky one! and its a decision so personal that only you and your husband can decide, but maybe it helps to hear other peoples stories so here's mine...

We had our daughter 3 years ago and for various reasons I decided not to go back to my old career. I struggled with low level depression for two years - struggling to be the 'perfect mum', grieving the loss of my career and independence etc etc.... just like lots of other mums.

I knew that I wanted my daughter to have a brother or sister to play with - as other people have said I do think there is something special about the kind of companionship and life lessons that kids gain from having a sibling but I too was concerned about how I'd cope. But we decided to go for it 'get it out of the way' as my husband put it - thinking that we would have our 2 babies and then be able to do all the other things we wanted in life.

I got pregnant very quickly and this basically triggered an episode of ante natal depression. I was on medication and seeing a therapist for most of my pregnancy.

Anyway, my baby boy is now 6 months old. I love him just as much as my girl and it makes my heart swell to see her play with him and for him to look at her with total adoration. I cant wait to watch them grow up together. And I'm ok too. We've made changes to our lifestyle so that I can study and have plans to develop a new career in the next year or so

I would say that if you have suffered depression it neednt stop you doing whatever you want to in life - you just need to watch for the signs and be honest when you need help. Get yourself a private midwife, or a doula and plan the kind of birth you want. Have help lined up when the baby arrives and have those closest to you be on the look out if you start to feel low again.

Its easy to just focus on the short term picture when you're thinking about adding to your family, but I would say it helps to think about the longer term. Babies are only babies for a year or so and after that they grow in to little people, teenagers and adults who will give you, your husband and your daughter all sorts of joy.

[charlottelbb]

I am just about to have my first child and already I am questioning if I will have a second. It's hard working, being pregnant and obviously more of a finacial strain the more you have. My Partner is older than me by quite a few years so I also would want to act more quickly if I'm to have a second.
My Partner also has a child from his first marriage (age 9) so for him it is less important to have another. However I feel because of the age gap and the irregularity of his visits, It would be similar to my child being an only child anyway. I have always planned to have a few children, as I think it is nicer for the children. I have a sister, who I am very close to and a brother who I sadly lost. Couldn't imagine being an only child. As a professional nanny, I definetly think there is a case of 'only child syndrome' for only children. Sorry if people disagree but that's just my professional opinion having worked in child-care for over 11 years. Seeing both families with siblings and currently caring for an only child.
I've gone on holidays with my sister who is a single mum and see my nephew only having us adults to play with and I have always felt sorry for him. It makes it much easier in the long run having two as they play and entertain each other. Making it more of an enjoyable experience for everyone.

You have to do what you feel is the right thing to do. Your child will grow up very loving and happy I'm sure regardless of any sibling.

For me I wouldn't know what I'd do without my sister and I would like to give that to my child also. Thats even after saying I would never go through pregnancy again due to awful morning sickness. Not experienced the birth yet even! I would and will hopefully do it again one day so I can have a bigger
family unit.

Good Luck with whatever conclusion you come to.

[lindsit27]

Hello!

I don't think you are ever going to be 100% sure before you make your decision (taking into account what you and your husband like in life, your birth experience, wanting to give the other child a sibling etc..) BUT! Whatever decision you make, you will adapt. It's when you don't make a decision that it feels hard. (if you have been back and forth for a long time)

We didn't plan out first one and I was actually going to have an abortion (the timing was awful along with a million other things) but we changed our minds and we are so happy now we made that decision. I wouldn't change it for the world!!!

I can really relate to what you are saying as I'm considering trying for a second one when my daughter is 4. (she will be 3 in Feb) I'm really not worried about the age difference between them. I'll only do myself a favour if I wait. I found the beginning so hard and it took me ages before I recovered from the birth. She wasn't a great sleeper either (still isn't) so taking all this into account, for me, it would be easier if my first daughter is older. I want to give my daughter all the attention now when she is 2 and a half as I think she needs it. My partner on the other hand-don't want another one so I have a problem there..
I'm 35, my other half is 41 so we are aware that we don't have all the time in the world. And like you, I like other things in life too especially my 'me time' and this will get sacrifised for quite some time with a baby (and a toddler!)

I grew up as an only child and it was fine as I didn't know any different. Of course now I know it's going to be hard when my parents get older and they also live abroad so I might have to move back at some point.
My other half is a twin and they never got on growing up, they still don't. It is fair to say that they actually dislike each other..




Whatever decision you make, it is going to be fine. You will find a way, either way.

[GWcouns]

Its such a subjective decision - but from the outside I'd say dont let your motivation be giving your existing child a loving sibling to get through the ups and downs with. As others have already said there is no guarantee of that. I have 2, with a 5 year gap, and what I tend to say to people who are dithering on number 2 - it is far more likely you will regret not having a second than having one, when the time has passed. In fact I'd go as far as to say you wont regret having a second. I remember thinking when I was expecting my 2nd, well its going to be nice but I can't possibly feel the same as I did when number one was born. And I did. Yes, the tiredness and non-stop craziness of a new baby is the same, but the love is also the same. It is really sad you suffered with PND but what is great is that you and others are aware of it, so if it came on again your husband/friends would be looking out for it. Good luck with whatever decision you make. Listen to your gut instinct -you will make the right choice for your family

[MGMidget]

Interesting article on this subject, based on some research.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article ... lings.html

[Jetsettingbaby]

I also had a terrible first birth and had bad PND my son also has autism, so for me it was a real worry on wether to have another one or not, but we decided to go again and have a 2nd for a few reasons. I am one of 4 and extremely close to my siblings without being corny they really are my best friends. I also do not want my child to grow up being an only child, as in my experience with friends who are only children they say that they were lonely growing up and that now they are older the responsibility is greater on them. (eg not going to live abroad because the mother is so distraught that her only daughter will be so far away) also for my son i wanted him to have a sibling that would understand him and that they could always be there for each other. So iam now 17 weeks pregnant and although i am scared of how my son will react once the new one gets here i feel confident that i can both give them enough love and attention and it will benefit all of us . really looking forward to it now
what ever choice you make will be the right one, also there is no rush, so if you think your 2 year old needs more one on one time then wait a bit. Soon they will be in nursery and school and then you may feel its the right time. good luck