To have a second child or not? Post Reply

[Sam001]

Hi fellow mummies,

I wonder if any of you can help me. My daughter is now 2 and a half and for the time first time since she's born, I am considering having a second one. My husband is not keen to have another one and I keep changing my mind every other day. I would love to have a sibling for my daughter, but on the other hand, I do not want to take away the time and attention that I currently give her.

I had a horrible birth experience with my first and also suffered from postnatal depression which lasted for the first 18 months of her life and therefore am a bit anxious that this might happen again with a second one.

My husband thinks that we are now happy as a family of three and we shouldn't jinx it unless absolutely necessary, however I do not want to regret not having another one, even though I do not feel very strongly about it. I would love to have another one, but am not sure whether I will be able to handle it (emotionally, physically, financially), but this makes me feel guilty that I could potentially be denying my daughter a sibling because I am not strong enough to have another one.

I should also mention that my husband is 48 (and I am 33) and there is also a slight worry that this might potentially increase risk of baby problems. Even though he is in perfectly good health, I also worry that I might end up doing most of the parenting eventually when he gets older.

Saying that, we are also very keen travellers and enjoy our social life and it is only recently that we have started this again and my husband feels that this is an important part of who we are as a couple, and it will be more difficult with two. I know this sounds selfish, but is this a valid reason not to have another one?

How do you know when you are ready for child no. 2? Any advice and your honest opinion is appreciated.

Thanks

[Esbek]

Hi, I have the same dilemma. I had a tough time for about two years after my baby (who is now four) was born and I am over 40. But like you, I don't want my child to be on his own in life after I and my husband are gone (or we become a burden). Given that we are from abroad and unlikely to return home again, it is likely that our child will remain lonely without any cousins, aunts etc. Like you, I am afraid of potential health problems and can't imagine how I will physically and emotionally survive another birth. So I don't think I will ever feel ready for child no. 2 but I will try to have one, because I am ready to make the sacrifice for child no. 1. It is a gamble that I may regret. But this is true for all important life decisions.

I wouldn't worry too much about your husband's age. It is impossible to know who goes (or gets sick) first. My mother was in her 30s when she had me and my siblings and my father was significantly older than her. He has been there for us in our formative years and beyond even though he was not always in perfect health.

I am sorry I can't give a straight answer to your question. I know how many sleepless nights one can spend thinking and worrying about these things. I hope you'll be able to make a decision which will give you a peace of mind. Best of luck.

[Asmeret]

Hi
I know it not easy how about adoption there are a lot children who need love and care if you don't want go through that pain again ,I understand everyone feeling on adoption is different but I always think I would adopt if I have a partner who support me in every way , at the moment I have one child who knows I will be adopting children in future . The best gift you can give to your child is having someone around to play with , share everything with their sibling and you can have a break too while they playing together please correct me if I am wrong it is only that how I feel ....... What ever decision you make good luck I hope we hear from you in future what decion you make and I can learn from that too thx.

[mrsbfrombalham]

hello,
my husband and I had exactly the same conversation when our daughter was 3. In the end, we decided that we did not want another child enough to take the jump and that in fact our family was complete. And this was the right decision for our family. As your husband mentions, we now also have more time as a couple and that's also very important. As a working mum, I also feel I can devote 100% of my attention to my daughter when I am @home.
As an only child myself I can't say I ever missed having siblings and so I really don't feel I am depriving my daughter of anything (and after all not all siblings get on ).
Best of luck in making your decision. Whatever you decide, you can't go wrong - as long as you do what feels right for you and your family.

[ekf]

As others have mentioned its a very personal decision and must take into account your circumstances. For us there's was never any question that we would have at least 2. We both had siblings and could not imagine our child not having any. However had I suffered with postnatal depression, etc then we may have rethought our plan. It's a decision that has to be right for your family. Ours was to have more than 1 child.

[Balham3838]

I'm going through the same dilema too. We had our first child at the start of this year, and were very very lucky to have a healthy and happy baby.

We are now trying to decide whether or not to have number 2.... On one hand I'd love our baby to have a sibling to grow up with, and I love our baby so much that I imagine a second one would be a total joy. But on the other hand, having a baby totally changes your life and relationship. We are just getting to the point where we have the time and energy to spend with each other as a couple, and I am due to return to work soon which will help financially. We haven't been able to do alot of the things we used to love doing - like travelling and going out for great meals - partly due to having less money but also being too tired and shying away from having a jet lagged baby.

My husband has never gotten on with this brother (to put it mildly!), and I have had my ups and downs with mine. So we worry that we would just be giving our baby someone to argue with and not get on with. Also - as you say, what if there were health problems with the second baby?

We swing day to day from wanting to have another to feeling our family is complete. I think, for us, until we are 100% sure a second child is right, we will hold off. Having a baby is such a big emotional commitment that you need to be completely sure. Our daily debate continues.......!

Good luck - it's such a personal decision, you'll come to the right choice for you and your family

[Almaceti]

For me it is definitely yes go for it! 2 children is double happiness and fun in the family, and it is so lovely to see how your children love each other. My 2 boys are very close to each other, the best friends in the world (although more than 3 years appart). Yes it also mean more "work" and less time for you but once you have had one, it is not so much a difference.
It brings a lot to the children to have a sibling (love, fun, learning to live with others, share, find their own place...). My oldest son has a few friends who have no siblings and I can't help finding them a bit lonely or even sad, however when they come to play at home with both my son and his little brother, they really enjoy it.
I think if you decide not to have a second one you will probably always have some regret, whereas if you have a second one you will never regret it. It is a bit like making the decision for the first one: you are scared about losing freedom... but when you have him/her you can't believe you had not done it earlier.
Good luck with your choice and all the best to your family.

[annamike]

I have 2 boys and never thought about how many i wanted. I just felt super-happy when my eldest (5yr) asked me a few days ago: Mummy why do we need friends when we already have our brothers? That made me think that I made the best choice ever

[amybelle79]

Its a tricky one! and its a decision so personal that only you and your husband can decide, but maybe it helps to hear other peoples stories so here's mine...

We had our daughter 3 years ago and for various reasons I decided not to go back to my old career. I struggled with low level depression for two years - struggling to be the 'perfect mum', grieving the loss of my career and independence etc etc.... just like lots of other mums.

I knew that I wanted my daughter to have a brother or sister to play with - as other people have said I do think there is something special about the kind of companionship and life lessons that kids gain from having a sibling but I too was concerned about how I'd cope. But we decided to go for it 'get it out of the way' as my husband put it - thinking that we would have our 2 babies and then be able to do all the other things we wanted in life.

I got pregnant very quickly and this basically triggered an episode of ante natal depression. I was on medication and seeing a therapist for most of my pregnancy.

Anyway, my baby boy is now 6 months old. I love him just as much as my girl and it makes my heart swell to see her play with him and for him to look at her with total adoration. I cant wait to watch them grow up together. And I'm ok too. We've made changes to our lifestyle so that I can study and have plans to develop a new career in the next year or so

I would say that if you have suffered depression it neednt stop you doing whatever you want to in life - you just need to watch for the signs and be honest when you need help. Get yourself a private midwife, or a doula and plan the kind of birth you want. Have help lined up when the baby arrives and have those closest to you be on the look out if you start to feel low again.

Its easy to just focus on the short term picture when you're thinking about adding to your family, but I would say it helps to think about the longer term. Babies are only babies for a year or so and after that they grow in to little people, teenagers and adults who will give you, your husband and your daughter all sorts of joy.

[jasbro]

All I can say is take your time - you yourself are still young enough to hold of on making a decision for another couple of years if necessary, and I don't think in medical terms a couple of years in the man will affect the outcome significantly.
In my experience many people who have kids close together like to harp on about how great it is, but a sibling is a sibling and closeness in age does not guarantee they will get on. I am personally extremely close to my brother who is five years younger than me, and I am now having my second child when my daughter will be 4. Like you it took me (and my partner) some time to be emotionally, physically and financially ready to decide to have a second child.

I really wouldn't put too much thought into how your daughter will fare if she does or doesn't have a sibling. There are so many pros and cons with all kinds of family set-ups and people grow and adapt to what life gives them. You are certainly not selfish to consider whether you should have a second child, you are being responsible and considerate. Only you and your husband can decide if and when, don't let other peoples views influence you too much.