How do I help my husband? Post Reply

[tina1071]

Hello

I am new to this area and have come across this website and I would be very grateful for any advice you could give me.

I have been married for five years and we have one child. We are trying for our second. My husband is a wonderful man and I love him very much. However he has always had an 'air of depression' about him... He has quite an anxious personality and worries about things a lot, health, money, etc... We communicate really well and he is someone who does express how he is feeling but he never seems truly happy in himself.

He has always been a fitness fanatic but lately has been dogged by one injury after another. This has made him quite 'obsessive' about his health and the slightest twinge, ache or pain really sets him off into this cycle of anxiety, trips to physio's, doctors etc and he just can't seem to cope and I have noticed he is not sleeping very well and it's all getting him down. It's also starting to affect his work...

I am ashamed to say that I sometimes find his constant worrying irritating and it's got to the point where I just don't want to hear about it anymore.... I just want him to be happy. I know we all can't be happy all the time but my husband always seems to have something bothering him and it is starting to drain me a bit and get me down too. Our home is ahappy one and our little girl is thriving at school. My husband had a more repressed upbringing and we were determined it would be different for our child but surely she is going to pick up on any tension between us.

I don't want to label him a 'whinger' as I know he genuinely doesn't want to feel this way but I am starting to lose my patience with it all. I have suggested counselling but he doesn't seem to want to pursue it and the constant moping is getting me down big time.

I really don't know what to do and it would be great to hear from others who have been or are in a similar situation. Is there anyone you would recommend in this area who is particularly good at dealing with men and is there a different strategy I could adapt while trying to deal with my husband and his constant worries? Are there any therapies we could look into?

We have a great marriage in every other way and this is the only cloud on the horizon for us.... Always something isn't there....

I would so appreciate any advice thank you.

[maryanneshio9]

Hmmm, first off, I'm curious as to why there aren't any replies. I couldn't help but feel like you need and want someone to reach out to you! This website is new to me, so perhaps not many people reply to posts unless they really do have a solution or at least a suggestion.

I have 2 suggestions for you. First, I would recommend getting him to a chiropractor or an osteopath. Fiona Marsden is a fantastic chiropractor in Notting Hill. Her number is 07764 181 134. Chiropractic and osteopathy can help with freeing up tension and disconnections within the body that can cause a lot of emotional issues, physical discomforts, as well as sleep issues, etc. Just get the engine tuned up. That's the first step.

Then, as his wife, tell him he has to work on his mind and psyche. Get him to sign up to do the Landmark Forum. http://www.landmarkeducation.com/
The London office is here:
London
203 Eversholt Street
Ground Floor
London, United Kingdom NW1 1BU
Phone: +44-20-7969-2020
Fax: +44-20-7969-2029

It's a 4-day seminar that works like a boot camp to whip your ass (read: your mind) into shape. Whatever funk you're in, Landmark will give you the good ass-kicking you need to pull you out of it. There are no more excuses after you take the Landmark Forum. You just have to make your life happen, rather than let thing happen to you. It's like taking the blue pill. You can't keep telling yourself how much of a loser you are anymore once you take this seminar.

Anyway, I hope this helps. Good luck, and let me know if you have any more questions about chiropractic or the seminar.

-MaryAnne

[busybee5]

why dont you take the time out and have an evening for just you two (or maybe more) to reflect on what you used to have before all the worries occured, Sometimes its hard for a person to open up and explain how they feel, Maybe this is the way he reacts for you to respond to his depression, Maybe he just dont know the right things to say so rather then tell you he goes into a dark place and keeps it inside,
I do feel for you as its hard when you dont understand the one you love and that to can be frustrating on your behalf
I`m not a councillor but i can fully relate to your cry for help!
I do hope things get better for you and your husband

If you guys ever need a break together i am a qualified nursery nurse that does regular babysitting maybe if you ever need me just drop me a call on 07961873760 i`ll be glad to help!
Also if you just need a chat feel free to email or call
Take care

[clapset]

telling him ...

[juliantenniscoach]

From a husband's point of view:- Find some time alone without distractions and talk to him. There's your starting point. Best wishes.

[zozodarling2011]

Would suggest some sort of counselling. Look up the Awareness Centre SW4.

[rachelko24]

Hi, there.

Can relate on a few of the issues here. I can say that I am usually the 'husband' person in your situation, and as a start, yes ideally you just want to begin with great and kind communication. Expressing how you are always there for him, but that the instances lately are starting to take their toll on you, and you want to make some kind of team plan of action for how to help this get to a better place.

The winter time blues and injuries certainly don't help, and it sounds like there could be a big picture of something else going on in his mind (work/other relationships/soul searching) that is manifesting itself in these other ways. (if that makes sense

Sometimes, you just have to have a little patience until he works through whatever it is.

My husband and I go to couples therapy every once in a while when we start to get off track. If you can convince him, I can say that for us, it absolutely always helps. Even if you just go for a few months, to help everyone express their sides clearly. Date nights just weren't enough for us.

Hope this helps, and feel free to PM

[Hannah102]

I had a similar experience with my husband not long after he was made redundant and it was really awful. I totally understand what you mean about your patience wearing thin. Our GP has been amazing. Any of the senior doctors at the Thurliegh Road Practice if you could get to see one of them. They have been really supportive to both of us. A mild anti-depressant has helped him a lot combined with counselling and also Landmark Education (mentioned in previous post). Definitely see if you can get support yourself as it is such a stressful thing to go through. Also get support from friends where possible.
Good luck

[emsken]

Go on holiday to a nice hotel with a crèche.... Sun solves all sorts of dilemmas!

[headshrinker]

Hi there
Sorry to hear your husband is struggling at the moment. These things can be really tough to deal with as a partner.
Counselling would definitely be worth a try but remember that he needs to want to do it too. I am a Counsellor and know quite a few others in the area and would be happy to talk to you or or husband about what type of counselling might help and to point you in the direction of reputable therapists.
Please message me if you want some info. Or you can find Counsellors in your area through one of the following sites:
http://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/
http://www.itsgoodtotalk.org.uk/therapists/
There are other directories too too but you will find plenty on there.
It is also worth getting him to see his GP in the meantime. These things are really common so most Doctors are pretty good at dealing with it (Although there can be a long wait for therapy on the NHS).
Good luck and hope he gets some help soon and things improve for you both.
Kate

[trulyscrumptious1975]

You could look into Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT)?

[HikingGirl]

When I am down there are 3 things that really help:

- regular exercise, preferably working to some sort of goal, eg running the marathon. Now if you have lots of issues with your body, this might be harder. It works for someone I know that has regular injuries to work with a personal trainer. The trainer will always find an exercise he CAN do. Also swimming or cycling can help. Exercise increased the amount of endorphins (the stuff that makes you happy). Sex does too, by the way.
- establish a daily routine and stick to it (don't ask me why it helps, but its a tried and tested way to help depressed people and is as powerful as medicines apparently)
- talk with a professional (you might get him to go if you DO tell him you think it is ruining your relationship, and he has got to DO something)
- the wonderful book my best friend gave me: don't sweat the small stuff, and it's all small stuff (probably better not to get it from you lifetime partner though, it may sound like criticism, get his best friend to give it to him??)

[mummyhelp]

A course in cbt i think would be very helpful and an appointment with a proper doctor. Try dr eapen 0207 535 7700. She is a specialist in this area and can provide the right help, she is based at the capio nightingale . Then go on a lovely holiday together with a crèche and enjoy your lives together. Best wishes .

[momtomum]

My husband went through depression and anxiety after we had been married about 5 years. A few things were helpful to us.

First, was just realizing what was going on and being honest with a few people so that we could get support with things like babysitting as he focused on getting better.

Second, We needed to simplify, letting go of some things in the schedule that were getting in the way of focusing on his emotional and physical health.

Third, we made lots of time to talk a priority. This often meant leaving the kids at grandmas and taking a drive at night to talk. He often was able to talk more openly about his feelings if we were doing something together like driving, hiking, skiing. I think that's true for a lot of men - they'd much rather do something than sit for a cup of tea. Little by little he opened up.

Fourth, we realized his health was suffering because with all the anxiety, he wasn't eating well and he was like 10-15 pounds underweight. This was enough that his energy level was low and he was moody. He saw a nutritionist and was given a plan to put the weight back on. This was helpful for me because it was something I could actually do that made a difference. Getting back to his normal weight physically made a huge difference emotionally.

And then counseling. It didn't take a lot. He saw a counselor weekly for maybe six months. I went with him about half the time. I think 5 years and 2 kids into our marriage, the stress of being responsible for everything had hit him pretty hard.

We've been much stronger on the other side. We've learned how to really support and encourage one another - and he's been there for me when I've struggled with depression too. I hope you can find the support you need.

[mummyhelp]

I can really understand and appraciate the last comment. I was the wife suffering though. Your support and understanding sounds like my hisband's and I think that is half way to what makes you better and someone you believe in and that loves you is ready to help you. Well done x