Postby harriedmum » Mon Feb 04, 2013 11:38 am
Hello Tinkerbell,
I hope to God no-one knows who I am because you asked for honesty and I'm about to be more honest than I normally am with myself. Please think carefully. I was never going to be a natural mum - I loved my life and was forced to make a very quick decision into whether or not to have children as I was ill and needed some treatment that was not compatible with being pregnant so I rushed into having my first. I was then two years later whole-heartedly bullied into having a second with all the usual arguments of they will play together, one will be lonely, what will they do when you both die/get old/get ill and they have no sibling to share the burden/their life with, blood is thicker than water (tell that to my husband who doesn't speak to either of his siblings unless he has to!). So I did it.
My second was a lovely baby and I really enjoyed having a second chance to enjoy a baby as I had been quite nervous with my first. But once the second became a toddler it all changed. My first child is a lovely well behaved mischevious child I could take anywhere. My second is a stubborn, wilful child who has severely limited what we as a family can do. I had hoped that it would change after the toddler phase was over. My first child was a challenging toddler and so I was prepared but the time has now passed (the second child will soon be five) and we are well beyond the point where my first child became much better behaved.
I now value the days my eldest and I get together when we can do something focused on him alone.
I have a lot of friends who were only able to have one child for medical reasons and I know they envy me, but I look at their lives and how they can focus on their child and how their lives have moved on and feel nothing but jealousy.
Do I regret it? Every day. Do I love my children? Both very much. Am I depressed? No. Do they play together? Yes until they fight. I am hoarse from trying to get them to play together nicely.
Do I wish I had only one child? Absolutely.
Please think very carefully and if you have any doubts please consider waiting until you are more sure.
Please don't crucify me for being honest. Do I normally tell anyone this? My husband and mother know. And I also know some people who have chosen not to have children who when they saw I wasn't overly cooey with my kids, asked me honestly if they were making a mistake. Otherwise I also play the "wouldn't have it any other way" game with a big smile and utter conviction. The only tell is when someone asks me if I'm planning on having a third - I answer too quickly and without hesitation.
You mention finances - our two are in private school and it is a big chunk of cash, but it should not affect your decision. I never regret the cash we don't have as a result of having two. Sometimes I feel a little stupid when I see the amount of cash winging out the door but I am very happy with our school choice - that's a red herring, there are so many other effects on your life from having two that will be more pressing than doubling the fees or daily costs.
I hope this helps as I have considered deleting it at many points. Please think carefully. It is a truly awful thing for a mother to look at a child with regret, but it does happen and no matter what lies you tell the world, you will know the truth.
Hopefully just by reading this you will have either felt relief that someone else feels the same way or hopefully revulsion at what I have written and a conviction that having a second is the way to go.
I can't quite believe I'm going to post this.
! Lots and lots of fun and amazing family bonds, lots and lots of hard work...but now they outnumber you 
Good luck in your decisions.
