Counsellor after affair Post Reply

[GirlAloud]

I found out a week ago that my husband has been having an affair for the past 6 months. I had suspected something was going on but was still floored when I found out. The affair itself is devastating but now that he's given me details I am numb at the levels of deception he has been going to. He has been travelling to Europe for work once a week since December - sometimes 1 night, sometimes 3 nights a week. Turns out he actually only been there for 3 nights in total. He's been staying at her house and also they had a 2 night city break. I'm finding it all difficult to take in. While he's been conducting this, my work has suffered as I've been picking up his child care responsibilities (nursery pick up etc) and when he's been home he has been talking about how stressful work is and how tiring the travelling is! Also - on the nights he's spent with her, he's been leaving work at 2-3 in the afternoon and sometimes not leaving her until 3pm the next day (Oyster card travel history is a wonderful thing). I'm gutted at the lies, the betrayal and the extent of it.

He says its over and wants us to try to work things out - he does not love her and it was just an escapism. I have asked him to move out for a while - which he's doing. I need to think about my children as well as myself in deciding what happens next, but before that I need to be able to talk to someone about how I deal with the affair itself and the betrayal. Some days I have felt better than others but today I'm thinking how could I ever consider forgiving someone who I trusted so much to do such a thing.

If anyone could recommend a counsellor I could talk to about the trauma I'm going through it would be much appreciated. Also - has anyone else been through something similar and what has the outcome been?

[ckwmum]

I'm so so sorry to hear about this. What an awful situation. My heart goes out to you completely.

I have a counsellor contact who is not local but might be able to help you find someone. Ill get in touch and pass on the details to you.

So, so sorry and I really hope it can all work out one way or another.

[NYE31]

How awful for you, I am so sorry to hear that, try Claire Djali at

http://www.wimbledoncounselling.co.uk/

She has been recommended on this site.

I hope she can help you

Take care x

[Scottov]

I suspect its not a trained counsellor or therapist you need, as this is situational more than personal in a sense. though obviously its personal.

would recommend talking to someone you trust, as a professional will not be able to give you the advice I suspect you're hoping for.

unless you want marriage counselling for the both of you, because I also suspect the 2 sides of the story need to be aired if you want to move forward.

[Affairadvice]

Sorry to hear of your awful news, I cannot imagine how you are feeling.

A good friend of mine went through something similar.

She firstly had to decide if she wanted to save the relationship.

Then both together and apart they did a lot of therapy.

They had to go through a lot of stuff from total disclosure of what had gone on ( and I mean TOTAL ) plus very details discussions on how that made her feel and him feel.

This could only be done with a therapist as you can imagine it's incredibly upsetting.

Then at the end of that when she knew what/why/when they both had to decide if they wanted to stay together.

That was done in a proper meeting again with a therapist.

Once they had both committed (and they did) then she was given various "tools" (hate the word but you know what I mean) for coping with the future.

They were cast iron rules about what you couldn't say (e.g. the temptation to use the affair to win any argument in future is very strong and a total no-no if you want to make a go of it) and even code words which when used would signify that the other partner had to stop speaking immediately.

The upshot is that they are now really happy and have got over it but it is 1) an incredibly stressful and long journey 2) needs to be done with therapists


Hope this helps

[Scrafton]

Hi,

I’m sorry to hear about the situation you find yourself in. Words cannot really explain what you must be going through, let alone the potential impact that this will have on you and your family.

It cannot have been easy to find out that your emotional trust and loyalty has been misplaced, especially in the way in which you have had to find out. In nearly all of these situations, the impact of this situation is ‘systemic’ and affects a number of aspects in your family’s life. This is something that you have clearly begun to experience with childcare issues.

It sounds as though having some space between you and your husband may be an appropriate place to start, as it will hopefully allow some time to consider what it is you both want from this relationship. As difficult as it sounds at this stage, with all the unprocessed emotions and feelings that you might be experiencing, being able to keep in mind the impact on the children is crucial for their adaptation to the family situation.



Best wishes

Anthony Scrafton (UKCP registered)
Couple and Family Therapist
Tel: 077 7901 2674
http://www.wandsworththerapy.co.uk

[nell65]

I went through it. I was pregnant when my husband told me he no longer loved me, no longer wanted the baby. He denied over and over that there was another woman.
Well I eventually found out there was. He told me he'd just snogged her, she sent me (nice of her!) photos of them at a friend's wedding, with her parents, on holiday etc etc.
Then I had to read endless emails and text msgs about their sex life and them swearing undying love. It was beyond painful, it was sheer hell. I imagine like me you are going over and over in your head every bit of it, you will be thinking of them together, it will make you physically sick, you will cry, not be able to sleep. You will want to scream at him, hit him.
He, like most cowardly men, will not want the confrontation and want you to just accept its over and move on. But you won't be able to for a very, very long time.
My child was only a baby so thankfully did not witness any of my raging emotions, but it spoilt what should have been the most wonderful stage of my life forever. I feel sorry for you having to try and hide your feelings from your children.
AS to the future? I would go to counselling if I was you - you will be able to rage and rage and rage. Friends don't know how to cope and although kindly listen can not provide the help a therapist can.
You must really think of how much you love him, if you do then I would say you should find it in your heart to forgive him. It won't be easy, it will be sheer hell.
You will eventually get over the pain, that horrible searing pain that I thought would send me mad. It will always be there like a scar, a deep sadness but it will dim. If you love each other then build your marriage again, don't let that other woman win.
Spend some time together, without the children. talk it out if you can - he won't want to. Trust will be almost impossible in the beginning, you will wonder where he is whenever he goes away.
But if you do get back together then eventually you have to leave this behind. You have to stop thinking of it and talking about it.
My marriage didn't last. But not just because of his affair. All I can say is that if you do love him give him another chance

[Affairadvice]

@Nell65, that is an incredible post.

I can only say I am in awe of your strength and suggestions for forgiveness.

[legolady]

Hello GirlAloud

I am so sorry that this has happened. Its awful. From a woman and mother who's been there and lived to tell the tale I can tell you things will get better whatever happens.

I can recommend Relate in Wimbledon. I was reluctant to go at first but found it very cathartic to explain how I was feeling without it escalating in to an argument. Sounds like you are bearing the brunt of childcare, work and now dealing with this too. Can you ask your husband to organise the counselling? If he is serious about winning back your respect and forgiveness he needs to do some work now in rebuilding your trust.

I think time apart is sensible. You need to look after yourself at this time. Get your friends and family to rally round you and if shock turns to something darker go to your GP - I had an amazing one who refused to prescribe me anything but instead block booked me appointments to talk to me.

Stay strong and focus on your lovely child.

XXXXXX

[legolady]

Sorry - wanted to add/clarify...I have recommended couple counselling but I also had sessions of individual counselling also at Relate but truly I found the couple counselling a lot more useful. I had so many questions and things I had to air with him that on my own I kept getting to dead ends...

[KaneCounselling]

Hi

You may well have found someone to speak with now, but if not, I am a therapist in Wandsworth, my details are here: www.sarahkanecounselling.co.uk.

This is a very painful experience for you and I hope you find the support you need.

Sarah

[Eleanorsb]

I know how much you are hurting right now. I made the mistake of believing and trusting my husband when he said it was over, but after affairs with three different women and unbelievable pain for me I finally had the courage to realise that I, and our three children, could live without him - and as it happens it was the best thing I ever did.
BUT and I can't over emphasise this enough, as other people have already said, you will NEED to rage and cry and shout and scream for quite a while. The images in your head of them together and all the doubt and mistrust will take a very long time to erase.
I didn't seek therapy from professional agencies but I would never have made it through it without my sister and my best friend. These two people never judged me, never told me what I should be feeling or what to do. My best friend was there, either with me on the sofa or on the other end of the phone whenever I needed her and that was usually very late or in the middle of the night when my children were asleep and I couldn't close my eyes for the images that would immediately fill my head. I hope you are lucky enough to have someone who can be there for you too.
Please do what is right for you. Do not be bullied into thinking you have to try and save your marriage for the sake of your child. Whatever you decide to do you must be happy so you can be strong for yourself and your child and do not allow yourself to live a lie because others think that is the right thing to do. You will know if your marriage is worth saving and if it is you will find a way with him to do just that.
I am now incredibly happy with a loving man who has, thankfully, restored my faith in relationships and given me two more lovely children.
Good luck and take care x

[ThePeelClinic]

Hi

I would suggest you consider contacting Relate/London Marriage Guidance as they will work with individuals as well as couples. Should this work for you and you decide to patch the relationship up they will then see both of you. If there is a too long waiting list locally you can see Relate counsellors privately which will cost a bit more but will be quick.

Having been through the counselling if that has not worked I would suggest you see a psychotherapist/hypnotherapist who can use deeper techniques that will help you forgive, move on and learn how to trust again. I see individuals every week in a similar position and this is the route I suggest I only see them if the counselling has not worked.

The only thing I can guarantee is that with time you will feel better but it will be up to him to build the trust up again (not you) and if he does not then move on. Sorry to be so blunt but sometimes this is the best way when you are feeling numb.

Chris

[tprout]

I am so sorry to read your post. I went through a year of counselling after a few personal problems and would highly recommend Hettie Hunter, she saved me and my relationship. She's based in Abbeville Village, do message me for her number.
Good Luck with everything, you need someone to help you be strong during these horrid times.

[counsellor-morine]

Hello,

Although your post was last week I have only just read it and feel moved to reply as I picked up a sense of your anguish.
I really do know how it must be for you right now and I'm hoping that sharing my thoughts with you may be helpful.
Of course you are in shock and denial, at the moment you are experiencing very overworked everyday words, trauma, devastation, but for you that's what they are.
Unfortunately there is no quick fix, each day will be different as they bring up new thoughts and feelings and you will need to have someone to share them with, be it a close friend or a counsellor. The most important thing is that you don't try and shut them down.
What has happened is now the past, you can't change it, and maybe couples counselling would be a good route forward giving you the opportunity to hear what each other are really saying. So difficult when the situation is charged with such emotion. When choosing someone to help it is important that you feel comfortable, one of the most important factors of 'good' counselling is your relationship with the therapist.
You speak about forgiveness, maybe not right now whilst you're hurting and angry, but can come after understanding what's gone wrong.
It's also important to make sure you take care of yourself, eating, sleeping, taking a walk, and having good people around you.
Maybe try to deal with one day at a time, not think too much about what has or is going to happen, and only do what feels comfortable for you.
I hope this helps.
Kind regards
Morine
Coxlow Counselling