Counsellor after affair Post Reply

[tprout]

I am so sorry to read your post. I went through a year of counselling after a few personal problems and would highly recommend Hettie Hunter, she saved me and my relationship. She's based in Abbeville Village, do message me for her number.
Good Luck with everything, you need someone to help you be strong during these horrid times.

[counsellor-morine]

Hello,

Although your post was last week I have only just read it and feel moved to reply as I picked up a sense of your anguish.
I really do know how it must be for you right now and I'm hoping that sharing my thoughts with you may be helpful.
Of course you are in shock and denial, at the moment you are experiencing very overworked everyday words, trauma, devastation, but for you that's what they are.
Unfortunately there is no quick fix, each day will be different as they bring up new thoughts and feelings and you will need to have someone to share them with, be it a close friend or a counsellor. The most important thing is that you don't try and shut them down.
What has happened is now the past, you can't change it, and maybe couples counselling would be a good route forward giving you the opportunity to hear what each other are really saying. So difficult when the situation is charged with such emotion. When choosing someone to help it is important that you feel comfortable, one of the most important factors of 'good' counselling is your relationship with the therapist.
You speak about forgiveness, maybe not right now whilst you're hurting and angry, but can come after understanding what's gone wrong.
It's also important to make sure you take care of yourself, eating, sleeping, taking a walk, and having good people around you.
Maybe try to deal with one day at a time, not think too much about what has or is going to happen, and only do what feels comfortable for you.
I hope this helps.
Kind regards
Morine
Coxlow Counselling

[Oldkidontheblock]

I am so sorry you are facing this, GirlAloud. My partner and I are working through a similar crisis at the Tavistock Centre for Couple Relationships (TCCR) which is based at Warren Street. I would highly recommend them, we have had counselling before but this is def the best, most challenging and helpful. It's not far by tube but somehow being away from this area helps us to feel freer to be open with the counsellor and each other. http://www.tccr.org.uk/ Sending you my very best wishes x

[littlefeet]

I would just like to congratulate Girlaloud for your courage in coming out and saying it out loud!

To actually speak the words 'I think, or I know my husband/partner is having an affair' is so ridiculously hard! Because often the emotion we feel is shame, that we have somehow failed! The sooner you blow the whistle on him and shout it from the rooftops the quicker you will stop feeling this shame. He is the one with the problem, not you; he failed, not you!

This is a very important point as shame and guilt are the two darkest and most troubling emotions to sort out.

My personal opinion is that generally these things are irreconcilable, although it does happen that people get back together and move on from something like this together, these situations are few and far between.

What is right for you and your situation can only be judged by you!
I forgave the 'misdemeanour', I then forgave the texts that were later found, and other little things that would come out of the wood work. Even when he left my 6 days before our wedding day and left me holding our 18 month baby, I told him he could come back. I gave him money and let him borrow my car because I believed he was going through a mid life crisis and I truly thought this was the 'in sickness' bit of my vows that I hadn't yet taken, but felt I needed to observe....

Make your judgements on this guy based on his actions not his words. Words are easy to say, but if you want to save your relationship then he is the one that must regain your trust, not you learning to trust him!! He must also gain your respect, in short he must do the saving - not you! If he is not doing this, he never will, you will never trust him and your relationship will fail anyway despite your efforts.

Your life will be better, you will be stronger and you will like yourself more for this. Getting over something like this is so empowering. It is incredibly hard, you will think no one will ever want me, especially not with this baggage, I am destined to be on my own etc etc... all of these things are just so not true.

Quite frankly you have reproduced which is the only thing you required a man for! You have no need for one anymore and you will find in time, that you can and do cope - lets face it you were doing it on your own whilst he was 'on business travel' before you officially found out so it wont be any harder! If anything it will be easier as you know where you are! And you will have less anxiety to contend with wondering where he is all the time! When you truly understand that you actually don't need a man you will find it so amazingly empowering. Your confidence will soar and you will be happy! and most probably it is at this point that you will find you bump into a really decent chap who you may very well spend a much happier future with than the scoundrel that is disappearing out of your door at the moment.

Use this time, and view it as a possibility to change all of things that you weren't quite happy with before but you 'compromised on' which is what we all do in relationships. The chances are with this second chance you have been given you will end up with a guy who you are better suited to and is actually worthy of being with you. Don't focus on what you do not have except to make a list of what you want to change about your life. Focus on getting what you want out of life, it will help keep your mind occupied on the positives and stop the 'I wonder if he is with her now... and I wonder how long it was actually going on for!' - waste of time - you will never know, even if he told you the truth you would not belive him, it happened, it sucks - let it go!

And as for come uppance, you will most probably find that due to the 'guilt' of having left his wife and family, his life will take a nose dive. He will go on and repeat the same mistakes, he will balls up someone elses life, and one day you will find yourself just as I do now thinking you had a very lucky escape! I now live with an absolutely amazing guy, who is fun, exciting, kind, loyal, generous and totally amazing with my son. He has no kids of his own and absolutely dotes on my son and I, he is an amazing cook, great at DIY and likes to be in control of stacking the dishwasher!! He is quite frankly 100 times better than my ex in every which way.... I tell you this, because I was so sure when it all first happened that this was it, my life as I knew it was over. Things would never be the same and I would never be truly happy I would never have believed I would be writing this 3 and half years later! This is what you have to look forward to.

I look forward to reading your comments to some stranger on this site one day as you give them hope and encouragement and tell them that they will be happy again just like you. I promise you it will happen!

[headshrinker]

Hi there
There have been loads of replies already but wanted to add my own. counselling is a good idea as it is incredibly hard for friends not to be incredibly black and white about things which is not always useful (particularly if you decide to stay with your husband). It's because they love you but it can be useful to find a place to work through the tangle of emotions you are going through without worrying about what others think. Some people come through things like this and end up with a better relationship. Of course many don't and decide to leave. However, it sounds like you are still reeling from the shock of it all at this point so you need to process that without judgement or advice from others.
I am a Counselllor and know several others in SW London. If you want an informal chat (some people find it quite intimidating contacting therapists) then please message me and i can help you find someone to help.
This is my practice if you want to check me out: http://www.katehaigh.com
Happy to just chat though. No need for appointment etc.
Best of luck with it all.
Kate