Sad after stopping Breastfeeding, need support/to share Post Reply

[vq1234]

Hi there
Firstly please could I ask that no-one responds to this post by putting added pressure on me regarding breastfeeding. I am already very emotional and sad about the whole situation and need support or to speak to people in a similar boat rather than be criticised for what I feel was not a decision but more something I had to do for my own and ultimately baby's well being. The reason I have come on a message board to discuss this is because I don't know where else to turn.
After 7 weeks of trying and 2 bouts of thrush, mastitis and finally a huge breast abscess which saw me in hospital for 4 days in total (in & out) and it being a stressful and agonising experience feeding each time, I made the agonising decision to stop Breastfeeding and am now finding it very difficult to cope with. I met my NCT friends this week and burst into tears when they started Breastfeeding. I keep second guessing myself but know that I would be going around in circles and spending my days in hospital with baby which can't be good if I continued. Doc has said as I am prone to nipple thrush it makes it more likely I'd get mastitis again if I got a blocked duct which then could mean another abscess. I remember lying in hospital with my gorgeous baby next to me, having my breast drained and sobbing and that was when I decided to stop.
I have now feelings of guilt and real shame when out and about and feeding him; and intense jealousy at my friends who have no or little problems doing it.
Any support or words of wisdom to help me get through this would be greatly appreciated as I feel I am in a lose lose scenario. I only had a week where Breastfeeding went well but on reflection it always hurt and I always woke up incredibly engorged, and baby was on the breast permanently also. It makes me feel awful as supply was not the problem, infection was. I keep looking back to that week and feeling guilty and sad, I was so happy then and felt like such a great Mum, now I feel like a failure and just so sad!
If anyone is in the Tooting / Wandsworth area of London and is going through something similar I would love to chat.

[klw]

You poor thing, it sounds like you have been through a really tough time. Please do not beat yourself up over this, it sounds like you have kept trying and for various, very serious reasons had to give up breast feeding.

The most important thing is that you are healthy and strong enough to look after your precious new baby. If you keep getting sick and stressed over breast feeding, that is not the best thing for your little one, so it sounds like it's best you stopped.

I too had to give up breast feeding when my little one was a bit older than yours, as he was not putting weight on and it was very tough, but I think once you accept that you are now onto bottles, it will become easier.

As a new mum, it is possible to be too hard on yourself over everything, so please, please go easy on yourself. I do hope that your Nct group/ friends and family are giving you lots of support and understanding.

[mrs_pavlova]

First of all, rest assured that breastfeeding doesn't not alone make you a wonderful mother. You will be inundated with support on this thread I suspect as it's more common that you would expect. Of course it's an amazing thing to be able to do, but you will move on from the disappointment and sadness and know that your baby will absolutely thrive on formula.

I do understand though, as I wept buckets of tears over my inability to breastfeed, and like you, I tried so, so hard. For me it was lack of milk. I just didn't have the volume required. I'm sure successful breastfeeders might tell you it just requires a bit more grit or determination, but it is also an intensely personal decision for you and your partner.

One main concern that I had about stopping breastfeeding was that I would not be giving my children the necessary antibodies to protect them from childhood coughs/colds/and other illnesses. But from my own experience, my two had fewer coughs and colds that many of their little friends. Remember that you have given your baby the most amazing start by feeding him yourself for seven weeks.

Tell your friends how you are feeling and I am sure they will support you and also tell you that it's not all plain sailing. Out of my NCT group of 8, only one ended up breastfeeding for longer than a few months. But everyone had a try for some time and that is what you have done. Don't feel any shame - it's no-ones business but your own and you are doing what is best for your baby. Who could critisize that! The advantages of formula feeding are that your partner can share the wonderful bonding experience that is feeding your child (from the bottle or breast), and you can rest.

Sending a huge hug your way, it's made me feel tearful writing this, as I know how you are feeling, but it will pass. Concentrate on your beautiful baby and everything will be fine.

[B&BsMum]

I am so sorry that you are feeling this way and completely understand. A a previous comment said, this is more common than we realise and it was only when I was eventually very open and honest about what a tough time I had that others also told me about the difficulties that they experienced.

At the outset there was no question for me that I would breast feed for a minimum of six months. Initially latching on was a real problem and after a couple of sessions with a wonderful NHS breast feeding advisor we seemed to have that cracked. That said I was still finding breast feeding at best uncomfortable and, for the majority of the time, downright painful. I saw another breast feeding consultant and she confirmed that I had thrush. I was so naive I didn't even know you could get thrush in your beasts - in hindsight it was a given that I'd get it as I always get thrush from antibiotics and was given a large dose post-operatively after my emergency c-section.

I really battled with the thrush (and mastitis) for almost 5 months, (I was also partially bottle feeding when I really couldn't face breast feeding) and finally called it quits. I felt that I'd really failed my son and didn't get any support from the health visitors at the Stormont clinic. My son had mild eczema and despite explaining how hard it was, I just got back the standard line about the importance of breast feeding to avoid things like eczema - just what I didn't need!! Fortunately my GP was very good and was very clear that if you can do it that's great but breast feeding is just one of many things that make for a happy and healthy baby - and mother!

During all those months my poor little boy had terrible thrush in his mouth - and probably internally as well - and I kept being told to just keep putting a particular thrush gel in his mouth post feeds. On reflection I can't imagine that was that great for him on such an ongoing basis.

I generally felt terrible the first few months of my son's life and talking about it after my second son was born, the health professionals believe I had PND. So you can imagine that having the pressure of the breast feeding issue on top of that wasn't great.

With my second son I thought I was all prepared. I had all the techniques to help with latching on and I had lots of acidophilus etc to stop the thrush setting in. Alas we had the same problems and I very quickly decided that I couldn't put myself, and my son, through all that again. It was the best decision I could have made and I felt so relieved once I'd made it! I expressed for four weeks and then went exclusively on to formula.

I was envious of my friends who seemed to find it so easy (and felt rotten opening my carton of formula as they popped their babies on on their breasts) but it turns out that many of them had other issues that I didn't have. We're force fed this perfect image of motherhood that is so detrimental to all of us struggling with the reality. I have to admit that while I still agree with the benefits of breast feeding, I find it soooo tiresome the way proponents imply that it's the panacea to all ills (I'm sure someone, somewhere, has linked it to world peace!! ) and that formula is the devil's elixir!! A friend of mine breast fed for a year and her child is so allergic to things that she can't even be in the same room as a prawn! Incidentally my son's eczema sorted itself out despite not being exclusively breasted. Both my boys are in good health and their immune systems appear no different from their friends who were exclusively breast fed.

Things are what they are sometimes and all we can do is our best. It sounds as if you want the best for your child and that is absolutely the most important starting point for raising a healthy and happy child. It is hard when we can't do everything that we want for our children but I can assure you that the passage of time will ease your sadness and you will be able to see the many good things that have worked out well.

[vq1234]

Thank you all so much for the replies so far, it really does make me feel so much better to know other people have been there and I am not crazy for feeling this sense of I guess what you would call Breastfeeding grief!
I feel like making the decision to stop is half the battle and my hormones are probably all over the place as my supply slows down.
Perhaps I need a week in France where bottle feeding is the norm!
I have a fab support network - my husband especially who is amazing - but it is always good to speak to people who really understand so if anyone would like to meet up that would be great!
Any more replies would be more than welcome and if anyone needs to talk about their experiences.
Thanks so much

[NYE31]

So sorry to hear that you have had such a tough time & are feeling like this.

Please do not stress about not being able to breast feed, I wasn't & after battling for weeks, seeing breastfeeding coaches, expressing around the clock, I introduced formula & by 12 weeks, my son was 100% formula fed & he is a very healthy little chap.

I know how rubbish you feel, I wanted to breastfeed for the 1st 6 months & it doesn't help when you keep hearing "breast is best".

Lots of people have a tough time & can't, you just don't hear about them.

I was born in the 70s & I was 100% bottle fed as that was the norm. I've always been healthy & I don't think I suffered from not being breastfed & nor has my son & nor will your little one.

Give yourself a pat on the back for trying & focus on you & your little one, don't let anyone make you feel bad about this.

Sending you a virtual hug & PM me if you want to chat more

Take care x

[daisydaisy]

DON'T feel bad. My son had breast milk for 6 weeks, 5 of those were from a bottle after I had expressed as I was too ill to feed. He was so used to the bottle that refused breast and so I gave him formula from 6 weeks. He is 9 months old and very healthy. He has only just got his first cold as he started nursery this week. He will NOT have a lower IQ than breast-fed babies, like the propaganda leads us to believe, he will be as bright as nature intended and I will educate him to the best of my ability. Breast feeding is ONE way and not the ONLY way.
Please don't beat yourself up over this, you have to do what is best for you in order to be a happy and healthy mummy for your baby.
xx

[daisydaisy]

DON'T feel bad. My son had breast milk for 6 weeks, 5 of those were from a bottle after I had expressed as I was too ill to feed. He was so used to the bottle that refused breast and so I gave him formula from 6 weeks. He is 9 months old and very healthy. He has only just got his first cold as he started nursery this week. He will NOT have a lower IQ than breast-fed babies, like the propaganda leads us to believe, he will be as bright as nature intended and I will educate him to the best of my ability. Breast feeding is ONE way and not the ONLY way.
Please don't beat yourself up over this, you have to do what is best for you in order to be a happy and healthy mummy for your baby.
xx

[vq1234]

Thank you all so much, it really makes me feel better knowing I am not the only one! Such kind messages of encouragement really mean a lot to me. I was formula fed too and think my Mum is the best in the world, and I've
done OK for myself! I will focus on my gorgeous little one and not let this overshadow everything xx

[KatherineHepburn]

Not much time to respond as getting the wee ones down but I just wanted to direct you to The Fearless Formula Feeder on Facebook.
A great place to chat and deal with any sadness you have or just to have a good rant.
Don't feel like any less of a mother just because you feed formula. Your baby is LOVED. You are doing great. Xxx

[bumpontheway]

I cried whilst reading your post.

Whilst your friends are breastfeeding, just be having the best cuddles ever with your bubba! My little boy who at a certain stage was bottle-fed, always curled up in my arms (in foetal position) to have his bottle continued to do this every evening at his night feed until he grew out of a bottle and still now at nearly 3 years old if he is really tired he will curl up in my arms. There's still very special moments you can get from bottle feeding xxxxx

[AbbevilleMummy]

I just wanted to say instead of "don't feel bad" to accept that it's ok and completely normal to feel sad about stopping breast feeding, whether you stop at 6 weeks or 6 months.

It's completely natural and a basic human instinct to want to nurture your child and there are so many emotions when it comes to feeding your child and those continue well after breast feeding has finished.

If I were you I wouldn't beat yourself up but wouldn't fight the 'mourning' either. It is sad, no matter when you stop, so have a bit of a cry now and then and before you know it you will be stressing out about something else (goodness knows I've felt continually guilty about something or another since having my kids!)

Take care of yourself xx

[Honeymummy]

Well...it's tough to stop breastfeeding when this isn't what you wished. I mean emotionally. I had to do it with my 2nd child, after a month she was having too much colic and I decided enough was enough, for her well being. With my first child I had persevered for 6 months, somehow convinced by the trend and the encouragements (and pressure from the midwives, the neighbours, etc), and she became allergic to everything I was eating (she is now 7 and still seriously allergic). So for my 2nd child I stopped when I felt it wasn't right. And she is not allergic to anything. And we have bonded very well, differently (we bonded slowly, with lots of cuddles). But I still remember how heartbroken I felt when I stopped, seeing her little face looking for the breast when I would give her a bottle. Then the colic ceased and we both had much better days (and nights!) with the formula milk than the breastmilk. I guess when you'll have recovered from your abcess and infections, and when your body will settle down you'll realise that you've done the right choice for you and your family. It takes time, so be patient.
I am French. My mum never breastfed over a month and we (6 sibblings) are all in very good health (the elder one over 50).

[vq1234]

Thank you all so much for your kind replies, this really has made me feel so much better. I have just spent the afternoon with my NCT friends who were amazing and some of them are also topping up etc at the moment and really listened when I shared my woes. Our NCT leader was there and, despite their reputation for being very "Breastapo", she was incredibly supportive and really understanding, even helping me with sterilising tips etc, and said Breastfeeding seems to be trendy at the moment but this does vary and when she was feeding her children everyone else was bottle feeding which again made me feel better. She also agreed that I should have a "mourning period" and that the odd cry was totally normal.
You have all been so kind and it really has helped, I will refer back to this whenever I feel down again.
I love the tip about bottle and cuddles, so do you have him lying in your arms, slightly propped up, for feeds?
Thank you all so much! X

[supermummy]

I know you have already had lots of good advice.

I never managed to breastfeed my second baby, now 4 months. He just couldn't latch on despite having lots of breast feeding help. I expressed for 4 weeks before admitting defeat. I can totally understand the disappointment. I took comfort from the fact that my baby was specifically put on special formula to help weight gain - doctors would not use formula if it was not healthy! There are also many other ways in which you will care for and bond with your baby. My baby now has bottle feeding issues and in fact I find it hugely rewarding when he does take a few sucks on a bottle so it isn't just breast feeding that gives you that motherly glow..

Just another thought but there was a very interesting report in 2009 which challenged much of the breadtfeeding propaganda. In fact many of the so called benefits may be down to socio economic factors so don't beat yourself up that you are not doing the best for your baby. Your baby will benefit much more from a happy, strong mummy!

http://www.lactivist.net/exposing-the-m ... june-2009/

Have a read of this. I'm not anti breast feeding at all but it might make you feel less guilty. The article won an award for statistical journalism.