How do you deal with another mum who blanks you? Post Reply

[Cals_mum_silly]

Dear mums and neighbors,
I have a problem and I’m hoping one of you can help me: I know a woman (or rather I should say I don’t know a woman) whose son attends the same nursery as mine. She and I take our boys to the same Bubbaboo class. We go to the same park. We use the same swings. We pass on Northcote Road. And yet... she never acknowledges me. It’s like she pretends I’m made of air. She blanks me, in the most resolute way, I wonder if I’m dreaming, and then I remember that this is England, and I’m from the United States. Maybe in her secret life she plays one of the Queen's guards, with the red suits, and the bear hats? Please, enlighten me. Where I come from, this is so hostile as to beggar belief. What's going on with this lady? What’s with the attitude? It’s like a children’s game that’s gone on too long: “I can’t see you!” .....but you can. And I see you. So what do you do? Pass by with a puss on? Channel anger, when you could just say hello instead? This is silly, and just plain rude, to say nothing of the fact that it's hurtful. What’s wrong with a little friendly chatter? No big whoop. Just a word. Or a smile? Our kids are small together. This is how you treat other mothers? Please tell me, how do you deal with a blanker?
Signed, a confused Yank

[Jen66]

It's one woman. Not representative of an entire nation.

Do you ever approach her to engage her in conversation?

[BalhamMumWorkingFT]

Be the first to say hi. If she says nothing back, she's not worth your time... don't worry about it. Everyone is different... you have no idea what she might be going through.

I've gotten over this a long time ago as it happens everywhere ... even in America... (I am also American...) And many times, the other person is dealing with something much greater or is just someone with their head in the clouds... Either way, its not a reflection on you unless you make it one.

[ckwmum]

Perhaps she's really shy? I know so many shy people who are thought of as stuck up until you get to know them because they just don't dare make eye contact even. If you've said hello and tried to be friendly then that's another issue.

It might not be an Anglo-American cultural issue, this woman might be finding motherhood a weird, uncomfortable cultural shift. It gives you a whole new identity and life that some people struggle to come to terms with. Maybe she's a bit depressed? Who knows.

But as the previous poster said, most likely it's got nothing whatsoever to do withyou.

[GeoffTheSmith]

She is probably really shy. Or she might not be the best company around. Who knows, it might be for the best not communicating with her.

Don't get so angry at her. Try starting a conversation. If she refuses to talk or acts hostile, then you have something to worry about. Write to us after you tried to communicate.

[Cals_mum_silly]

yeah, i smile, i say hi, it's happened many times. many times, I have taken the initiative to be friendly, non-committal, not to force an encounter that she may simply not want. but it is increasingly depressing. what's wrong with just saying hi, and each moving on? there is a huge difference between a casual smile and a complete stonewall. she appears to be happy, well-adjusted, healthy, and active. also, for what it's worth, well-dressed, well-groomed, & not down in the dumps. i've seen her chatting with other mums. the other mums she chats with all seem to be other Brits... it's just happened too many times not to be bizarre now. if you see someone regularly, they're not a stranger. not to acknowledge them, especially where children are involved, is bizarre-- and i would say again, hurtful and rude. i don't take it as a reflection on me, since how could it be? she doesn't know me. but you can't blank people if you see them every day without the encounters - unavoidable - generating hostility. we do have a small community and many of us know each other, if not by name, then through friends and by reputation. our kids know each other. what's the big deal with saying hi? i don't channel hostility when i pick my son up at school. i'm sorry but this is a cultural issue. americans smile. we don't need a reason. if you look someone in the eye, smile, and say hi, the least they can do is to acknowledge you. that's all. why is that such an issue? laughing, but seriously. americans don't blank people. and we really don't appreciate being blanked. i've lived in London for five years and I have two British friends. all of my other friends are other expats that i met since i moved here. so this lady may be a standout in terms of sheer hostility but I would say again - what's going on? ...it's just strange. very, very strange.

[livegreen]

6 years and only 2 non-American friends, perhaps it's you?
Get the feeling this is another "fake" post trying to get people arguing about cultural differences etc it is after all the silly season with a lot of people away on holiday and little news/ gossip.

[Jen66]

I lived and worked in NY - not all Americans are friendly!

[supergirl]

Livegreen I have the same feeling.

[Cals_mum_silly]

here's another example: when my little boy came with us to Spain, often, when we passed strangers, and he was in his pram, they waved. he waved. they said, "Hola!" ...he started piping up, and by the end of the trip, he was shouting at the top of his lungs, "HOLA!" to complete strangers, who smiled, and laughed, and waved. then we got back to London, and ...nada. he would smile and wave and say "Hi!" to people. and they would look at him, and ...nothing. it was so depressing. with respect, after suspending my disbelief for five years, when people behave this way, it's impossible not to judge the culture that you're living in. why the hostility? ...it manifests itself in a million ways in encounters between complete strangers, i see it every day. it doesn't have to be that way. yes, i would go home if it were only that easy... it's so sad. you don't have to gush; just say hi. the difference between a place where people ignore each other, and one where they exchange brief but pleasant greetings, is like sun vs. rain. and we know what that feels like....

[WannaBe]

Why do fakes bother? It really baffles me.

[Cals_mum_silly]

I'm not a fake. And if you take issue with another mum's post, you don't need to resort to passive aggressive ad hominem. Do you have an alternate view? Or is name calling your notion of posing a point of perspective? This is pretty much what I'm talking about. ....sadly.

[BalhamMumWorkingFT]

Wow. This is all taken way to seriously...

Again, I'd not worry about it and get on with life. People are all different no matter what their background. She could be a total snob, but then why would you want her to say hi? I'd avoid her too! Then it won't be an issue.

[kcai]

So what do you do?

Just laugh to yourself and shrug it off. Hostility or confrontation isn't worth it. Most likely this is just a brief chapter in your/her lives. Of course, there's a small chance your sons might decide to be best friends, and then she'll have to tolerate you and say hi

Honestly though, I don't think her attitude is cultural at all. If anything, it's representative of a big city. Maybe you came from a small/medium town in America? I'd always say hello to people in passing back where I grew up (just north of San Francisco) because for all I knew, I was being polite to my friend's third cousin or something and manners cost nothing.

I don't often say hi in passing in London unless I know the person or they look vaguely familiar. And I'm guessing I've probably accidentally blanked a person or three due to having my head in the clouds. I really don't think there's anything cultural about it although I haven't been Stateside in something like three years now....

[ken11]

Im sorry but i had to say something. it is rude to blank someone you know or someone who is talking to you but i see nothing wrong with not engaging with someone you have never met. Just because we have children does not mean that we should or want to speak to every single mother and baby we come across! Unless the ice is broken by children interacting etc then i would as an polite English person never have the guts to randomly start conversations with people just because they also have a child who frequents the same places - especially in London - there are just too many of us for it to work. For goodness sake just let the woman be she has done nothing wrong and as said above is most likely shy and not a loud american type.