How do you deal with another mum who blanks you? Post Reply

[GeoffTheSmith]

Are you still talking about this?!?!

[twice_as_nice]

^ 'like!'

[pimlicomum]

Hi Livegreen,

I'm sorry you've had this experience - it is hurtful and rude, I totally agree... I'm British and by nature shy. However, after 12 years of living with an Australian, I am much more friendly and confident striking up conversation with people I don't know. My general observation is that English people are pretty socially incompetent (bless! - watch us try to say goodbye at the end of a dinner party... it's painfully awkward!). The norm is to stay out of people's space if you don't know them, and the cycle is continued because when people do take the risk of reaching out, they do it a bit incompetently and are greeted with surprise and awkwardness, which doesn't exactly make them want to repeat the experience.

My experience is that when I reach out, people do generally respond in a friendly way, especially in the mums and babies community. I usually say "Hi, I don't think we've ever met properly - I'm (my name) and this is (my son's name)." Then it's hard for them to ignore me, and in future we can leave the interactions to me saying "Hi" to their child. Indeed, if I'm feeling a bit more cautious, I might leave myself out of it and say "oh, isn't your little boy gorgeous - what's his name?" or "how old is your little boy? he looks about the same age as (my son's name)". It's hard to avoid a direct question.

Failing that, I have a policy of being super-friendly every time I see someone like that, if only to amuse myself at how rude or socially inept they are!! My husband's best friend's wife has a really good (American, BTW) friend whom we have met on numerous occasions. Every time we are introduced to her, she vehemently denies ever having met us before. My hub and I take real pleasure out of greeting her with bubbly friendliness whenever we see her and watching the look of bewilderment tumble over her face. Call it the moral highground - the view is good from up here!

[WannaBe]

Never was anyone interested in my life story in NY. I love NY, btw, but DEFINITELY not because people listen to me over there.

I shagged a Brit. He married me. Friendly chap, a bit awkward, true, but a good husband and a father to me and our child.

And <whispers> we are not even from a wealthy country.

From my point of view Brits are all right.

[uqbar]

Hmm. I think it was Ernest Hemingway who said when two men say hello - one of them wins. I think the same is true of women. So it's not rude to blank someone you don't know, it actually shows enormous generosity of spirit. To NOT engage in the social competition that most, even trivial and casual, conversations are is the opposite of rude, it in fact shows great delicacy of manners. This woman is not blanking you, Yank, she's liberating you from experiencing the existential nausea that cannot help but accompany false intimacy.

[petyo]

Wow, how profound .
You simply can't be liked and like everyone in your life path but it is better to be polite and to smile away than to be ignorant and deliberately rude. Even here just browsing through the commentary we could easily form a very concise conclusion about what sort of people we all are ,so you can't please everyone and don't have to so just breathe in ,smile and move on .

[uqbar]

Another point: We are all convinced that we are personally fascinating and yet we actually find other people quite boring, because on the whole they are - and we are. The equation doesn't quite work out. When was the last time you had a conversation in which you weren't simply waiting for the other person to stop blathering on so you could throw in the thing you wanted to say? When were you last uplifted by having a conversation with someone in which you were not the star performer? When did you last have a conversation that was not, in some subtle way - or even in a gross way - a competition?

[cheshirecat]

Another point: We are all convinced that we are personally fascinating and yet we actually find other people quite boring, because on the whole they are - and we are. The equation doesn't quite work out. When was the last time you had a conversation in which you weren't simply waiting for the other person to stop blathering on so you could throw in the thing you wanted to say? When were you last uplifted by having a conversation with someone in which you were not the star performer? When did you last have a conversation that was not, in some subtle way - or even in a gross way - a competition?

wow! I take it we're not talking about friends and family! If you are that is seriously disturbing. I cannot compete with those that make good conversation

[uqbar]

Not family certainly. There's a language we use with family that has contained within it all our history, memories, past - and also, crucially, things we will not broach and actually fear to broach - this is totally understood in any family. But there's nothing of that understanding in conversation even with our friends - who are at best merely supportive and at worst emotional vampires. It's the lack of history that makes casual conversation terrifying.

[piper_halliwell]

Not family certainly. There's a language we use with family that has contained within it all our history, memories, past - and also, crucially, things we will not broach and actually fear to broach - this is totally understood in any family. But there's nothing of that understanding in conversation even with our friends - who are at best merely supportive and at worst emotional vampires. It's the lack of history that makes casual conversation terrifying.

what's so terrifying about saying: "hi, how are you how was your weekend/ how is your week going? did you see that big (13 and 1/2 pounds!!!) baby that was born in Germany last week?"
And then they either let the conversation drop after answering or go on to other things that have happened in the area or have been on the news... like "a 12 y-o boy who has "developed" a terror of flying while visiting his dad in Dubai last year and is still there..." ... more like a fear of the lousy weather here I'd think LOL

[Cals_mum_silly]

I'm so glad I made this post! I was hoping for a live wire to a sane, funny group and I found it. Particular, effusive thanks to pimlicomum, 9Donkeys and uqbar. You three made my smile & you made my day. I was dreading checking this again after yesterday. But, actually, I feel better. Thanks.

[Cals_mum_silly]

...and for what it's worth, I find other people fascinating. I'm bored of *myself* I guess that's why I long for connection! But no, you can't expect to spark with everybody. But I'm amazing how much more I need my friends since becoming a mum. Maybe it has to do with staying at home and being isolated, which is a fact that many have observed but yet to find a real solution. I am so thankful for the friends here that I have, I just feel badly that more of them aren't actually natives to this country that we've all elected to settle in. It feels a bit like I'm failing. I guess that's why I get frustrated. But for what it's worth, I have met some amazing Americans / South Africans / Italians / Frenchies / Croatians / Scots / Brazilians / Germans. I just had lunch with my best Brit friend, a lady I met in New York... and the great part is, I know her, but it does make me wonder, (sadly!) would we have ever been able to strike up a conversation if we had met in the UK? The fact is there are so many rules to follow to avoid stepping into a snare / falling afoul of faux pas, etc... it kills the kind of spark you need to start a real conversation. We suffer from politeness. That's my opinion. And it doesn't really work.... which is the irony. Being over-fixated on following the formulas actually removes the real impetus to spontaneity and goodwill. Just my opinion.

[DinosMom]

Sounds like you've managed to get some insight - great sounding board here. Just wanted to add that it is not strange that after 5 years you have made only 2 British friends and the others are from elsewhere. I am American, been here 4 years and my ratio is similar. Fact is, London is not just full of Brits. And I found the British Mums I met to be shy or just more reserved than Americans. I had to reach out to them when I moved here with a 2 year old and didn't know a soul. I advertised for a play group at my house because conversations didn't lead anywhere. My best mum friends are from South Africa, New Zealand, Malta, Russia and a few British Mums thanks to my son being in school. And they are lovely, generous of spirit ladies. Not sure they would have struck up conversation with me at the park, though. Take away - My perception is it takes some time, but once you make a British friend, they are good as gold.

[anootka]

Dino mum I agree with you
I have been here almost 8 years and most of my friends are not British.
But I also have one very lovely British friend who has been an amazing friend to me in the short time that I have known her. It is cultural but also our personalities and so many other factors that affect our friend making ability and fortune. I am now happy with my circle of friends and don't go out of my way to make new ones, so maybe this woman is the same. It's so much effort to make new friends. '
Saying that I can't wait to move back and meet lovely american moms back home who I know will be much more enthusiastic about welcoming a new person in.

[clapset]

I'm trying to work out how to post on this thread in such a way as to say "I'm ignoring you all ..." - is it just a blank post ... but would it be obvious?

OR is there an arogant imoticon that says - no still not talking to you ... umm ignoring? yes you I'm ignoring you

Is that the one ... either way - I'm ignoring you!

Please don't ignore me... hey over here stop ignoring me! You ... eh! Oh alright be like that then! Doh!