Unexpected very bad news Post Reply

[Confused mom]

I am not sure whether anybody had the same problem as me....I will try to put in word.

I just found out that my husband overspent in the past two years without telling me. And now I found out that he didn't pay mortgage for 6 months, electricity for 3 months and outstanding council tax another 5 months etc etc...the list can go as long as you want. In total it's about £50,000.
I also just found a letter from the bank that they want to repossess our property unless I pay them within next 10 days.thanks god, I found out about this just in time!

I found all these out by myself by going through his suitcase in secret. He didn't even tell me!
Then I confronted him. He got very angry to start with that I went through his belonging. But then I said its my house as well. It's in joint name. The letters were sent to me as well. But he hides all of them from me.

I asked him so many times in the past whether everything ok,money wise, he said "fine - don't worry". He never wanted me to know what's going on financially. We had arguments so many times until I gave up to ask to avoid argument.

Now I found all these out. Then, he said, he wants to provide the lifestyle that he can't afford to us by going into debt. He hoped for a big bonus but it didn't happen. Then he was too scared to tell the family.so he kept on spending.

We have two children (both are in private school), we live in a nice house (only 50% mortgage left to pay). He has a very good job and well paid in the city (£150k plus). I work full time in a very good job and stable (£50k). I pay him 75% of my own pay every month to cover the household expenses and mortgage.

But with all these, I am shocked, speechless, upset and disappointed.
I am wondering, if I pay off the debt this week, my house will be safe? I am planning to clear all the debt that got in my name. Do you think, I am doing the right thing?
And what are my priority in clearing off debt. I never ever be in debt before in my life! I don't even owed a credit card!

To top it off, when I went through his briefcase, I found out he sold(pawn) all my jewellery (from my parents), gold, watches and wedding ring. Which at this point I just have to let go all of those stuff because I have to save the family home first.

Anything worse??!!

[Jude]

Oh my goodness. that sounds awful. definitely contact the bank about your mortgage first. other things like gas, electric, council tax can all be paid off in instalments if you call them and explain the situation. After sorting that out you will feel much better, about the debt anyway (i suspect it will take you a little longer to deal with the anger and disappointment you must feel) knowing you have taken control of the debt and once thats done you and your husband will be able to start to work on a way forward together.

[Confused mom]

Thank you so much.
My parents come in to rescue our house and all debt that's in my name!
So now we left over with his own personal debt which we need to do monthly repayment.
I am taking over the family finance from now.But emotionally, I am so angry with myself. How stupid I am to let things slip to this extend....
And I am not sure I can look at my husband in the same way again.

[Jude]

I don't think its stupid at all. If you are anything like me, we all have so much else on that the last thing we want to deal with is finances - especially if every time you asked you were told its fine! I was like that but my husband was insistent i get to grips with it all and know whats going on with the family finances. I was so resistant about this at first, but now I am grateful for his guidance on this one. For us now, its important to both be involved but thats a personal choice.

Emotions are still raw. Give yourself time. Your husband might be feeling terrible too knowing that he has breached your trust. I hope you find a way to solve this together (if thats what you want) and grow stronger as a result. All the best at finding a balance that works for you and your family with regards finances.

[LidoLady]

Good school friend of mine had same experience but found a lot of the money had been spent on husband's mistress, including trip to Paris, champagne breakfast etc. Now divorced but very painful as she was left with 2 teenage girls and no money - he left his job to avoid having to support them. As you have joint ownership and joint mortgage, very important that you have a joint bank account, get to grips with online banking so you can see every transaction and where the money is going, and understand exactly what is going to happen to you if anything happens to him, ie look at life insurance, find out if you will get share of his pension, make sure you have made wills. Then you will have done your best.