dealing with another parent whose child is autistic Locked

[CBW7779]

Gosh someone told me about this post and I'm a bit taken aback having now followed the thread - just like fionapm and a few others I think, I would have bet the OP were a hoax had it not been for the dad's response. I also thought some of Cals earlier posts were possibly not made in good faith so now I'm really confused!! I don't have a lot to add to the majority of posters who agree that shouting at a child you know is autistic, and then saying they should be segregated, is appalling. I would also agree with most people on here that it is important for all parents to set a good example when it comes to discipline, potentially including telling off another child, but in a reasonable and appropriate manner and bearing in mind that accidents happen. All I would add is that my experience of mothering is that a child can start to show 'bad' behaviour all of a sudden at any age, that is how they learn and develop, whether disabled or not, so I would be careful about claiming my child is always 'x' or never does 'y' as you might get a surprise one day!! Nobody's child is an angel!! I did also note the 'mum blanking' post a while back (the xenophobic comments were baffling, and I have a lot of experience of the US as well as the UK), but in my experience, when I get a funny reaction from another mother (and it does happen, probably to us all) I try to remember that parenting is about as intense a job as anyone has, and some days it's just not going so great, so try to give other people the benefit of the doubt!

[zozodarling2011]

Wouldn't be surprised if original post makes it into the national press as it is quite shocking!

[swayam2003]

Cals_mum_silly

'We'll smoke them out of their caves....' You're definitely in Team Bush, as far as I'm concerned! From your outburst, there's only one prized idiot in this exchange and that certainly wasn't the father of this little boy or the little boy himself!
You have some nerve to suggest that this little autistic boy be 'sectioned' to the park for disabled children. How about we suggest that someone as vitriolic as you, goes back to the Utopian world you wished you lived in? There's no place for someone like you in Nappy Valley and I hope to God I never run into you in the playground at Clapham Common!

As a mother of toddlers, I'm constantly on guard and feel extremely protective about them especially when there are older children around. But, these things do happen and I would be shocked if someone screamed at my children or at me, in case they were the cause of inadvertently hurting another child. Yes, we need to teach our children the right manners...I'm all for that but if someone was screaming themselves blue in the face at me, I reckon I would forget my p's and q's too.

Riccione

Please don't let this nasty woman get to you any more than she already has. I can't imagine the emotional roller coaster your wife and you have been on this far. I have an autistic nephew and not a day goes by when I don't think of him or of his parents...I know just how much their family dynamics have changed as a result. Please continue to be the wonderful, loving father that you are, to your precious little ones.

x

[kcai]

Uhh, so you want kids with special needs segregated to "that playground over there" so your special snowflake doesn't get pushed over?

Newsflash - kids get knocked over sometimes.

Put it into perspective - if the other boy had been strangling your child and the parental unit had been standing back, then you'd have every right to rant. (Although your demands for kids with special needs to be segregated would still be ludicrous.)

Also, from the father's point of view you apparently went up and shouted in the kid's face. You don't DO that until the parent has had a chance to step in and discipline. Seriously? How would you feel if you were standing right there ready to step in and some parent shouted at YOUR kid in his face? Or would you post a rant about that?

Both my kids are typical children and I don't have a problem with them encountering special needs kids when out and about. I really am utterly horrified at your suggestion that autistic people use a separate park. I really am. Vive la difference, I say. If you can't hack it, why don't you build a park in your back yard and buy stock in cotton wool?

[kcai]

Clarification to my previous post: "You don't DO that until the parent has had a chance to step in and discipline..." What I meant to say was you don't shout period, you wait and let the parent deal with it full stop. I didn't word myself very well there and I can't seem to find an edit button! Certainly I didn't mean you should wait until the parent deals with it and THEN shout, which is how I inadvertently worded myself.

[Jen66]

it is a bit odd isn't it that the father of the little boy concerned should just happen to read the post and reply...

[Sw11_123]

Why odd??? If I had encountered such behaviour by a mother in a park I would most probably have mentioned it to friends and family, some of which may read nappyvalley and draw the fathers attention to it... Not such a big leap surely?? Especially as the post was mentioned in today's nappyvalleynet email.. We live in a close knit community.. Well, some of us do!

I could be wrong and this could be some mad conspiracy, that would make be pleased as it would suggest that the original poster is not real and does not hold such callous views.. However, I think not.

[sw11_]

This does seem like a hoax to me. Partly because the OP has form for this kind of thing! Also the post wasn't mentioned in the weekly email till monday but the dad just happened to join the website and see the post on sunday evening...? If this ends up in the national press i'll bet it is because some journalist has been signing up to nappyvalley and stoking things up! Oh i know i'm being very cynical, but i can't help it!

[excitera]

I really don't see a problem - one mother overreacted cause her son was pushed over... no need to rant about it on a website though...

Also everyone is taking father's side, but really he could make a bit more effort and ask kid to say sorry, but I do get the point if the woman was shouting at that stage - that would leave me speechless as well. Few years ago autism was not recognized as a condition and everyone was treated as normal or just difficult kid.. so separate playgrounds is just MAD...

but taking into account all things said here, I actually think that mother of the kid needs help, obviously her life hasn't been that easy if she feels she need to express on the issues on this website... I do suggest she read through her post again and think about what she wrote...

[townieatheart]

what do I do if they refuse?
is there anyone to talk to at the Council?
thoughts and suggestions are welcome, with many thanks.

Cals mum, were you honestly expecting people to share your opinion and actually help in implementing your segregated society?! Do you have friends in your life that you feel would be of a similar opinion to you? I find it sad enough to think even one mother within my children's environment would feel as you do, let alone that there may be more.

You ask for thoughts and suggestions. Mine would be that you educate your child, better than you have obviously been, to all different walks of life, be that children with disabilities, different faiths or different social backgrounds. That you teach your child that everyone has something to offer and to look for the good in people. Please don't teach your child to react you like you, to think its ok to separate a child purely because he has a different view of the world. You cannot honestly in your heart believe this is the right thing to do. What will you do if there is an autistic child in your child's class once they're at school? I can honestly say that my own childrens relationships with autistic children in their lives have only ever been enriching.
That is not to say your child shouldn't also learn how to walk away from rough play. It is always upsetting to see our children get hurt and perhaps that's what your original post should have been about, 'how to deal with parents who don't show their children right from wrong'. I think that is what really upset you, and I don't blame you. You didn't really need to bring the child's autism into it at all.

One more suggestion would be that you have the courage to come back on here and apologise yourself. Maybe unwittingly but you have caused a lot of offense and you are now the one that should be saying sorry.

[sw11_]

Final word from me.. The OP posted at 5.46pm on Sunday. The 'dad' just happened to register with the website at 9.27pm the same day and see/reply to the post. Err a bit suspicious.

[supermummy]

Sorry sw11, i can see why that may look fishy but you're wrong on that one. I know the family and it really did happen. Would love to believe that it wasn't true!

[Miss_Muppet]

Ok I think the original poster may have got the message by now so please, although annoyed, i think there's been enough venting and educating
I'm not only a mum of an 11 yr old profoundly deaf daughter suffering from Aspergers but also suffer from ADHD myself - you don't even want to start me off now - but even then plz allow me to tell you that even knowing that there is something not right with your child and on top of all that not being able to get a diagnosis and then dealing with that - yes that's right I better keep quiet

I also have a 16 month old son and do feel like keeping him in a bubble but that's not being kind to him and yes my first reaction to a similar situation would be to console him and then quickly move their focus on to something different but of course inwardly seeking an apology from the other responsible party - But basically and realistically reflecting on the whole situation - yes that apology would have been educational to both kids but it was your consoling as a mother that would have meant everything for your child and you were there for your son to do that which is really good

Lets spread a little love on nappy valley

I don't know much so forgive me in advance if I step on any toes but I think having had a chance to reflect on past events perhaps you might feel a little different about what went on or about families with special children? I would like to suggest you seek the father in question and get together in a coffee morning or something and talk to him - of course likewise suggestion to the father as well.
I think this may help clear the air and bring all of us together (which is the good spirit of nappy valley right?) and also it may mean some form of closure too
Which might jus be helpful to both parents and then in turn the children too??
Just a thought
Good luck and keep smiling

[sw11_]

OK supermummy - thanks for clarifying. I stand corrected!

[Chelle1911]

After reading the original post and previous post, I genuinely believe that this person posts because they are lonely and wants to engage in conversations with others and the only way they know how to do it and to get a reply is to post unacceptable and confrontational posts.

Not that many people would want to entertain a friendship with the original poster now, but may I suggest that if the original poster does read this that they take some time out to consider what they post, the affect these posts have on others and most importantly how they may be viewed by others by having such ignorant and backward views. This may then allow her to post more positively and make geniune friends on this forum.

No one on this forum wants to think badly of others and I am sure that the original poster has now read the responses from all the other users and the Father of the child in question and feels terrible about their behaviour not only on this forum, but on the day in question.

Maybe it is time for this post to be removed from this forum and for everyone to move on from this. Only a thought.