Aaaargh- should I return to work or be a stay-at-home-mum? Post Reply

[HikingGirl]

Lots of advice here from mums who gave up work. Actually 70% of professional working mothers do return to work within the first year. So if you would return, you would certainly not be alone.

All research I have seen suggests there are hardly any negative consequences to children when both parents work. It is very key though there is a main carer that your baby feels safe with and loved by. Many parents I speak to actually tell me that when they are teenagers they need you most. ('anyone could do the babycare, but teenagers do not a lot more input'). This is not to dismiss anyone who is brilliant at looking after a baby, just to show there are different perspectives. The key thing research says: if the parents are happy, the children are. So if you are going to feel guilty and fret about leaving your child, they will know. If you are going to be at home and become frustrated and depressed, they will know. Do what feels right for you.

In my experience from talking with many parents, you will only be fulfilled as a stay at home mother if some of the 'drudgery' that is part of it you really enjoy: looking after a baby, arts/crafts, cooking, or being part of the baby-voluntary circuit. The only way to really know is to try it out, of course. But in your case that sounds really hard to do.

Perhaps it helps to look at my website, as there are a lot of stories on it from working mothers (www.mumandcareer.co.uk) and lots of help for how to make it work.

Personally I believe it's always sensible to have your own income, but not everyone agrees, and it depends on the 'price you pay', which is very personal. A jobshare sounds fantastic, though. You may not easily get that somewhere else.

And indeed there is a biological aspect to having a baby. Your hormones are all geared up to bonding, and nesting. It does take some effort to overcome those powerful urges, and it really helps if you really do love your job and genuinely enjoy working, and know why you do it.

[Gillak]

I totally sympathise with your decision as I remember the agonies I went through first time round when I returned to work. I went back full time as I didn't have the option for part time so it was all or nothing. I remember calculating how many waking hours my baby would be with me versus with the nanny and it was only slightly more which totally broke my heart. Saying that I have absolutely no regrets going back and I have managed to go back 2 days after my second so I now feel I have the perfect balance. It was totally traumatic leaving my baby at the start but we had a great nanny (who is still with us 2 and a half years later) and he was absolutely fine and I very quickly got back in the swing of things. Ultimately full time was just too much for me but I feel so lucky to be able to have a balance by having held onto my career especially now I have 2 children (and another on the way!). Financially we could cope without me working so in the end it was a"selfish" reason for me to return to work but at the end of the day I am 100 per cent sure that I am a happier and better mother as a result of the choice I have made. Everyone is different but just wanted to share my experience.

[Kittens77]

just wanted to say, that I was in exactly the same position as you when my DS was 6 months, torturing myself emotionally - I returned just before he turned 1 (3.5 days a week) and ABSOLUTELY LOVE being back at work. I reallllllly didnt think I would, and was so worried about leaving him - but he absolutely LOVES his nursery (he is in nursery 3 days a week and my in-laws have him for the half day) For me, its worked perfectly. My 2nd baby is due in Feb, and I will see how I feel aboute returning to work when this one is a year, but the important thing is not to put pressure on yourself, and take time with your decisions! Good luck xxx

[Stellarosas]

if someone told you what you had to do ...
You have to go to work OR you have to stay at home ...then which one would you feel most at ease with...I think your mind is made up ....
To a great extent you know what work life holds for you ...but being with your baby is full of surprises and you seam as if you have ambition, sit back enjoy the ride and you will do something with your life that would not have happened if you go back to work.
I could go on forever but I will just sound cheesy ...suffice to say take the road less travelled ....best best wishes x x

[AbbevilleMummy]

It is an impossible decision to make and if you're like me you will constantly wonder if you made the right one!

I think it is very important for you to go back and see what you think. I know you say you can't just quit because you're a teacher, but if push came to shove and you were that unhappy, you could.

Try to think about it like this, I bet before you had your baby you were definite that you genuinely wanted to return to work. And then you had your baby and you've started to doubt that original feeling. Well how do you know that once you return you won't change your mind again? Also, babies change a lot between 6mts and 1 year so they may not be as clingy.

It is so difficult and I have changed my mind on this so many times since I had my first 4 years ago that I've lost count!

Good luck with whatever you decide and don't worry, your final decision is not cast in stone!

[Lukesmummy]

I really feel for you and your decision as I shared similar thoughts myself when my return to work date arrived. Unfortunately it's one of those 'only you can make the decision' moments as its such a personal choice.
I ended up not going back to work. It was very simple - I just couldn't stand to leave my baby-boy, the most precious, amazing thing that I have...so I didn't go back. In my opinion, mums rarely can have it all, there's always a sacrifice and I didn't want my boy to come second. Like you, I loved my pre-baby job, but I didn't love it as much as my son.
I must say, I didn't miss work like I thought I might (only the cash!) - all my baby friends went back to work so i kinda started again. I went to some playgroups, soft plays etc and I met new friends. As my son grew, he enjoyed things such as roaming the park and we had fab days out. I know i sound a bit 'mother-earth' but I felt (and still do) so lucky to be spending this time with him, enjoying him, laughing with him, loving him, when he's so young. I also put some structure into my new life - I have two volunteer jobs (one for a charity which I can do during naps and in the eve which is excellent for my self esteem and my brain. Plus another whereby my son and I visit an elderly housebound lady each week for a few hours which is great for a natter and a brew as well as being rewarding...and she is a hoot, even at 90yrs!). There are hundreds of volunteer roles who would love to snap you up by the way!
My son is now almost 2 and I still feel as strongly about wanting to be with him. My personal opinion is you have the rest of your life to work but your daughter will only be tiny once.
I hope the above hasn't made anyone feel too queasy I wish you all the best with whatever choice you make for you and your family.

[shopper]

For what its worth I think you have made the right decision, especially if you enjoy your job. From what I can gather my kids are older than the previous posts and so I have a little longer perspective on what impact it might have. My oldest is 9 and I went back to work age 1 and we had the same nanny for 6 years. I worked 3-4 days a week and it was a very stable and happy period of our whole family's life. I would honestly say our nanny added an extra dimension to the family, taught the children different things and influenced their characters in a very positive way. Even if your child is clingy, a good nanny will deal with this fairly easily. I would say the trick is finding the right person so take your time and its worth not scrimping on cost. Once you have that person in place you can go to work in peace and equally enjoy the time you have off. I have also been a stay at home mum and I think the challenges of being home all the time are tougher.

[Flora]

Hi

having had a quick read through the replies after your original OP thought I'd just reaffirm that if you make the decision that feels right for you as a person then it will be right for your family - and your workplace - too.
why? because whatever your decision, it may be stressful at times but thats life!
being selfish occasionally is important -it shows you value yourself as a person,and if you dont value yourself, how can you expect others to value you?
plus - we can all be a feminist, regardless of where and how we work (child rearing is no less a 'job' because you're not being paid as a nanny would be)

and yes, compared to teenagers, babies are easy, its just that one tends not to realise this until our babies turn into teens...;-]

[millymoo]

This is a really interesting thread and good to hear so many different perspectives. I do think it is a very personal decision and only you will know what is right for you and your family. I have gone back to work full time after my second (no option for p-t role with current employer) and after nearly 11 months off and no childcare feel that I have gone from one extreme to the other - full time nanny and full time job. My experience of maternity leave second time around was very different from first time (long lunches, coffees with friends etc) and in fact I found it quite lonely looking after 2 child under 2 - even though there are plenty of activities to do with babies and pre-schoolers I didn't manage to find a group of like-minded mums to spend my time with (I did meet lots of lovely nannies though). I am lucky with both an excellent nanny and a very supportive husband and the fact that I work has meant that hubby has had to get home on time more frequently and take a bit more responsiblity for domestic/childcare duties (no bad thing!).

I do think that there need to be more employers willing to consider part-time/job share roles which will provide rewarding career opportunities but the reality is that this is a much more expensive option for many companies and in this economic environment it is a tough business case to advocate. I am trying to find something that provides a bit more of a balance but it is a full time job trying to find a job so there are definitely some advantages to going back to a role you know well and can "wing it" a bit if necessary. We also need to have more options for affordable childcare particularly in central London (am wondering when this government is going to really address this crucial point, seems like the same topic as house prices where they just don't have a good grip of the real costs involved) as when you have to tot up what is costs to look after more than one child the fact is the economics of it don't make sense unless you are earning a decent salary.

Best of luck with whatever you have decided to do.

[kgarner]

My personal opinion is you have the rest of your life to work but your daughter will only be tiny once.

Agreed. A good teacher will always be able to find work. Truism yes, but this time goes SO quickly. I'll never regret the time I spent with my now nearly 6-year-old son. I miss having him at home but we both have four and a half years of magical memories. There are so many toddler groups/activities happening every day, if you don't find kindred spirits at one, try another! I've made some lasting friendships as a result. I don't know where you live, but where I am in Streatham, there is an amazing Facebook community (the Streatham Mums' Network) and a website listing dozens of things to do every day (StreathamBaby- there's also a TootingBaby website).

Everyone's different, but this is what worked for me. For me it was a non-trivial financial sacrifice but worth every penny.

[mumandmore]

Please please please just try going back to work. If you enjoyed it as much as you say you did you are probably in the inevitable "I don't remember what it's Ike but I enjoyed phase". So many people don't have this so if you do the go back and give the balance a go you can always quit. It's SO much harder to go back to a similar sort of environment if you take time off. You will or course get something but its not the same

[Jetsettingbaby]

I think from reading your post that maybe going back to work would be a good thing. As you miss the stimulation and would be good for your self worth. It also sounds like your little one would benefit from it as well. I am a stay at home mum but then I am lucky where my boys are not super clingy I can leave them with their father or other family members and I love being at home with my two boys. There is always two sides to the coin, but you need to do what is right for you , not your husband not your baby, you. Because a happy mummy is a happy home. Finding a child minder or au pair is probably better than a nursery setting for your bubs if she is a little clingy too .
hope it all works out for you

[febell]

Just an idea and not sure if others have posted this, but could you take your KIT days and see how they work out? You are entitled to 10 I think, without affecting your maternity and it could be a good way of seeing how you and your little one cope with the change.

I went back to work 4days a week when my little boy was 9mths. It has been really tough but I am glad I did it. I enjoy being me rather than "his Mummy", having adult conversations, and going to the loo on my own! I then absolutely love my 3 days at home and get more out of that time because I make sure its about us. Working 3 days you will have 4 days at home and will be able to make sure your little one gets masses of love and attention while ensuring that another part of you is satisfied too.

It isn't for everyone but I'm glad I did it.