Mother-in-law at birth help please! Post Reply

[Annabel (admin)]

Delighted we changed your username in case you MIL googles you

Good luck!

[Chanchipolli]

I think it all depends on you - my mum came to help out with both of my children and it made a huge difference. I loved having her around (especially with the first) - someone a little more experienced than myself gave me peace of mind. She was also the only person I truly trusted to look after my newborn which meant I could get some much needed sleep.
It is up to you but I don't think it is essential to have bonding time with just the three of you. In many other countries it would seem absurd to just hide away for two weeks the three of you with your baby.
Above all, it is a personal choice, and whatever you want to do will work best for you and baby.
Good luck

[mummy_dani]

Stand your ground on this one because if you don't you'll regret it. When I had my son my in laws came down for the entire first day (even my parents only stayed for a couple of hours be cause they could see I was exhausted) and my MIL did nothing but hold the baby. I was furious because he was mine and I wanted to bond etc. At one point she made everyone a cup of tea apart from me, and when I mentioned I wanted one she just said 'oh, I didn't think you wanted one'. She then just sat down and didn't make one for me. When my daughter was born I put down rules that if they wanted to visit on the day (I'd have rather they didn't at all) then it was for an absolute maximum of two hours and my husband had to make sure they didn't stay longer.

I have to say though I do not have a good relationship with my in laws particularly my MIL so depending on your relationship with yours, it may make a difference.
Do what feels right for you. Yes it's your husbands special day too but you've been through the birth and as far as I'm concerned what you want trumps what he wants.

[zaza107]

I love my MIL (and she's a GP). She did come to the hospital on the third day, I think, for a couple of hours, but my ILs live about an hour train ride away. My mother and father both came to visit about four weeks after my daughter was born, and stayed at a nearby B&B. If they didn't like the plan, they never said so. I expect they were smothered by two sets of grandparents within ten minutes of our house when I was born and remembered how it was...!

I agree with all the posters who said to tell your husband gently that it's not his call.

However it works out with your MIL's visit, all the best!

[Nirthernbird16]

I guess ultimately it depends on the type of MIL you have and the relationship you have. My inlaws have been here the past two days and even though my MIL has a romantic vision of travelling down to be our childcare 1 day a week she ultimately never cooks, freaks out when our child cries, was scared to hold her until recently, is scared to push the buggy down a curb, is out of breath after slow 15 minute walk and still at 8 months has never changed a nappy so you can guess I would have never wanted her around for the birth as she has also been a complete fuss and ultimately quite useless.

Regarding birth partner, one thing you may need to consider that the people in that room will see you bring a wonderful life into the room...but also will see you at your worst. I gave birth in the Carmen Suite at St George's which is the midwife led suite and I was in the pool, on balls, in various positions etc etc but really most of active labour I was totally naked even though I had loads of vest tops etc - I hadn't thought I would be and had my husband and mum there. Was fine as it was my mum and have a good relationship (& frankly was past caring) but just something to consider!

Even though my mum was ace, next day only matter of hours after I got home my dad arrived and in laws arrived. It was quite overwhelming and my husband had to make drinks, order takeaway etc for everyone as everyone was focused on first grandchild. We were glad when they headed to the hotel that night....then even more so when they headed back home the next day after another 2 hour sit round chatting and holding the baby....and drinking more tea made by husband!

[AbbevilleMummy]

OMG, I forgot the naked bit! I also ended up totally naked during labour! Why is that?!

Yes, Nithernbird16 makes a very good point! Do you really want you MIL to see you prancing about totally naked, crying, and losing the plot?! You won't give a damn at the time and will probably barely remember is afterwards but she'll always have that vision...

[Pop]

And the nakedness doesn't always finish after the baby is born.... I had cracked nipples from b/f so was told to 'air' them as much as poss. I then got an infection in my stitches so was told to 'air' those parts whenever possible. So, I ended up practically naked for about a week after my baby was born! Personally I would want no one other than my husband to see me in that sorry state!

Hopefully you won't get cracked nipples or an infection!

[tooting_mummy]

I'm another one with a useless mum (domestically) who drove me mad first time round. Luckily it was my mum not MIL because on day three of her being there my dad turned up for the day, my brother and his girlfriend turned up, also for the day (my rule is an hour for friend's new babies, a couple for family). It was a heat wave and we were all stuck in a 30 degree flat with me looking after everyone else as well as a newborn. When my brother hinted that they wanted to stay I completely blew a gasket and told everyone to 'f*ck off out of my house'. Not my proudest moment but luckily it was my parents and they forgave me. Needless to say, second time round, it was a short first visit

And as for the birth....
Why would she want to be there?
Both my labours were a good few hours of agony, screaming, crying and wailing, not to mention the unflattering positions and copious bodily fluids and to be honest, except for the magical bit at the end, I (almost) felt sorry for my OH having to be there.

I think you are being very kind even considering her requests, my answer would have been a very forceful no. But then I've admitted what I said to my own poor parents!

[nannyS]

I do love this post. Very interesting reading. As for OP, no birthing is for you and your partner, well that's what I believe. My mum was always there for me and I will always be there for mine but with tradition and respect. I do agree maybe a culture thing!

[PipG]

You really need to be firm in what you want. It you that gives birth, you that tries to feed the baby, your hormones are the ones that may be all over the place. There are times in life to be considerate of other's feelings and accommodate them, but this is not one of those times.

Good luck.

[tooposhtopush]

I have been reading this with interest but just re read the first post.

Am I right in thinking she wants to be at the birth?

AT. THE. BIRTH?

I am dumbstruck.

I mean, when the baby ACTUALLY COMES OUT?

Surely some mistake?

[tooposhtopush]

Sorry I have to post again.

I cannot believe she actually wants to be there when you give birth?

I mean when the baby comes out of you?

Sorry to be so graphic but that's just weird.

Is she one of these attachment parents - did she breast feed your husband till he got a driving licence?

That is just icky

If I was you I'd check she doesn't want to share your bed as well

[NYE31]

Please let us know what you decide, I really can't think of anything worse than having my MIL or my Mum at the birth, believe me when I say that there will be MORE than enough people in the room without having your MIL there too.

And I totally agree with the other posters about the 1st few days, my husband got my parents to come & see me in hospital the day after (I had an emergency c section) & then his parents the next day. Once we were home, anyone else was on a 2 hours for family, 1 hour for friends basis.

You will be knackered, sore, emotional, trying to feed, sleep, etc so do not underestimate the impact of all of this on you.



p.s. the posts about how people lost it, telling family etc to f*** off made me lol!!

[AbbevilleMummy]

I agree TPTP, if she is that overbearing, can you imagine what she will be like once the baby's born?!

OP, you say in your initial post that "you know that you don't know anything and her advice/support will be invaluable" but remember none of us knew anything before our firsts were born but we all managed just fine!

I remember panicking so much at the end of my NCT course that I would have to take care of a new born by myself!!

But then she was born and I just instinctively knew what was best for my baby. i.e. I knew what I wanted to do. No one else, and probably not what NCT or midwives would have advised, but it didn't matter, I knew what was best for me and her. If I had had my mother in law there, interfering, it would have gotten in the way of that natural instinct and would have caused problems I'm sure.

Give yourself a week or so to get to know your baby and recover from the trauma that your body will have been through.

[Canuckmum2b]

Apologies it's been hectic at work. I've re-read your posts several times this afternoon, I must admit I felt like I was sitting with a bunch of friends having a coffee and getting advice. Perfect. This has been brilliant.
My husband is very open minded and honestly just awesome, I think like myself he just doesn't know what to expect so I just need to sit down with him. I am a bit surprised at how much he wants MIL to be there though maybe he doesn't realise the extent of her request? Very unlike him.

As far as MIL is concerned she is (can be) lovely, but I think if she lived in the UK I'd have a different opinion. She's very intelligent and really into her yoga and natural healing but at the same time her personality can be super pushy a bit dominant actually and knowing her I imagine that she sees it as being in my best interest by being there for me. And yes she does actually want to be there when I give birth (I was as shocked and had to ask her to repeat herself) - part of her whole earth mother approach I suppose but something that will definitely not happen, if I'm naked or not.
I will let you know what the outcome is. Thank you.