Mother-in-law at birth help please! Post Reply

[AbbevilleMummy]

I agree TPTP, if she is that overbearing, can you imagine what she will be like once the baby's born?!

OP, you say in your initial post that "you know that you don't know anything and her advice/support will be invaluable" but remember none of us knew anything before our firsts were born but we all managed just fine!

I remember panicking so much at the end of my NCT course that I would have to take care of a new born by myself!!

But then she was born and I just instinctively knew what was best for my baby. i.e. I knew what I wanted to do. No one else, and probably not what NCT or midwives would have advised, but it didn't matter, I knew what was best for me and her. If I had had my mother in law there, interfering, it would have gotten in the way of that natural instinct and would have caused problems I'm sure.

Give yourself a week or so to get to know your baby and recover from the trauma that your body will have been through.

[Canuckmum2b]

Apologies it's been hectic at work. I've re-read your posts several times this afternoon, I must admit I felt like I was sitting with a bunch of friends having a coffee and getting advice. Perfect. This has been brilliant.
My husband is very open minded and honestly just awesome, I think like myself he just doesn't know what to expect so I just need to sit down with him. I am a bit surprised at how much he wants MIL to be there though maybe he doesn't realise the extent of her request? Very unlike him.

As far as MIL is concerned she is (can be) lovely, but I think if she lived in the UK I'd have a different opinion. She's very intelligent and really into her yoga and natural healing but at the same time her personality can be super pushy a bit dominant actually and knowing her I imagine that she sees it as being in my best interest by being there for me. And yes she does actually want to be there when I give birth (I was as shocked and had to ask her to repeat herself) - part of her whole earth mother approach I suppose but something that will definitely not happen, if I'm naked or not.
I will let you know what the outcome is. Thank you.

[CHT]

When I went into hospital in labour we did the round of calls to key family members to let them know what was happening. I had a really short labour, so it was only a couple of hours later that my husband called to say our son had arrived. My MiL's response? "But I'm still on my way and I've missed it!"

To this day I have no idea whether she had intended to be in the delivery suite with me (which would not have happened!) as I decided not to ask and possibly provoke an argumen, but thank goodness for a swift labour!

I found I needed help most after about a month - ie when my husband was back at work; the household stuff that can wait a bit was starting to build up; the midwife visits were dropping off; the tiredness from lack of sleep was really kicking in etc. It was really lovely then to have family members over for a few days.

[MrsAmanda]

I had the exact same situation with my MiL. She lives abroad and was keen to book her flights in advance so they'd be cheaper. I tried telling her that although I had a 'due date' there was no guarantee he'd arrive on time.

She told me she wanted to be in the hospital with me 'to hold my hand'. Heck no. I ended up telling her outright that I wanted the labour to be just for husband and me.

As it happened, I spent a fair bit of my pregnancy in hospital, had pre-eclampsia, my son had to be induced and had a traumatic labour. The thought of her getting in the way whilst the crash team were saving us is just too horrific to contemplate. I got a blood clot so baby and I were in hospital for a week after the birth. Had she been there, it would have been a bit of a missed opportunity as she'd have been restricted to brief hospital visits.

She came over just before we left hospital and she got to spend time with her grandson. But, that was just as bad as I was then in 'hostess' mode and running around making sure everyone was fed, watered and looked after. I also had to express for about 7hrs a day and didn't feel comfortable doing that in front of her so would disappear off to my bedroom, leaving her to criticise my housekeeping skills.


When my second child was born, it was a lunchtime. We rang to tell her the news. She booked a flight for the next day (without asking if she was welcome). A few hours after the birth, my son was taken poorly and he spent the entire time she was here in the neo-natal unit. So she had plenty of opportunity to grumble that she wasn't getting to see much of anyone. Husband and I wanted to spend as much time at hospital as possible and my older son had gone to stay with my mum.

I understand that the grandparents are excited, but if I could turn the clock back, I'd keep them at arms length until we'd been out of hospital for at least a week so we had a chance to get settled in and have some special family time without 'intruders'. Having people pop in for a quick cuddle and cup of tea is one thing, but when they've come a long way, they expect, and understandably so, to spend as much time with you as possible. Which is exhausting.

[Balham3838]

I totally agree with everyone re not wanting your MIL to be present at the birth!

But just a tip re needing help after the actual birth. Those two weeks of paternity leave are such an important bonding time for your new family unit, you will all be figuring out your way together and getting to know each other. You will also most likely feel like a very different person which can be overwhelming enough without having to feel like you need to "hold it together" and "be yourself" infront of anyone.

I'd advise you fill up your freezer with meals (either homemade if you have time or just buy some!), only use paper plates/cups/ cutlery so no dishes to do (seriously that's what we did, v bad environmentally but it's only for two weeks!) and have a rule that any visitors can't stay more than an hour/ must bring food and make their own tea!!!

I'm expecting number two and will also be booking a cleaner to come and do extra hours on top of normal once my husband goes back to work.

I remember my first day alone with my new baby after my husband went back to work, my friend came round with cake which was a total lifesaver, but then my MIL arrived that evening - I had just been thrown up on (by my baby!) and she asked to be 1) picked up from the station (erm I needed my husband to be at home after work not driving around to get her when she could have got a taxi!) then 2) what was for dinner (when she should have said I've picked up dinner or what can I make!) - I was so mad!

On the other hand my mum came to stay for a week after husband was back at work and she ended up being brilliant. She refused to stay with us, so arrived at our house just as my husband left for work, didn't mind when i wanted to be left alone (sometimes for 30-40 mins at a time) to breastfeed, decided a whole meal plan for the week and went to the supermarket, cooked dinner in advance each evening before husband came home and left it on the table for us, and made sure I had a shower each day before she left. I was really touched as she seemed to get the right balance of nurturing, help plus bonding time with new baby while I had naps.

This time round I am explaining to my MIL that it's lovely of her to offer to come and stay after my husband goes back to work, but that if she wants to come and help, then the help I need is someone to make meals, laundry and cups of tea and help with my eldest - not for her to come and sit on the sofa for a week holding the new baby! Maybe harsh but she's a mum of three so should get this!!!!

Just be confident in your own needs and also be confident in the fact that you aren't going to know what you need but need someone around who you can be honest enough to say - please leave us alone for a bit, or I'm exhausted can you just make me some food please!

It's a really special time that you'll never get back.

[bumpontheway]

Just to addd I have noticed a few of you have talked about having to act as a host to family. I recall when I did my NCT course the teacher gave us a tip....and said that if you are up and dressed with make up on when people come to visit, you are setting the impression that all is fine and you are doing well, even if secretly you are in pain and so she suggested that staying in PJ's and no make up was a much better signal that actually 'I need some looking after'! I didn't manage to do it first time, but second time i took to my bed (in the loft) for nearly 10 days so I could recover properly.
My husband and Mum helped with my eldest and I got to keep my little baby with me and just be in a nice bubble. My MIL and her husband did come to visit a day later but I just stayed upstairs and so she just came up for an hour...but being in bed it maybe made her feel that she couldn't stay too long! My FIL didn't even make it up the stairs as he felt that it was women's stuff upstairs....our baby was taken down for him to see but with strict instructions not to be taken from me for too long as I was a bit like a lioness and got tetchy if my baby was gone too long ; ) Hope this helps.

[LizzieTheNappy]

Just to echo others in saying if you're not sure about having her at the birth then don't! It is the one time that I think you are definitely excused from being polite and accommodating.

On her staying, like you I had thought it would be really important to have time with just me, the baby and my husband. However, within a few minutes of giving birth I was in floods of tears about how on earth I could cope with a baby and begging my husband to get my Mum down straight away. (Admittedly my Mum, not my mother in law.) She stayed for the first 10 days and was such a help that we repeated it with our 2nd and 3rd babies. I have no idea how we would have managed without her that first time. That said, she's very easy to have around and only gives advice when it's asked for. I guess it depends how you get on with your mother in law!

I'm sure it's different for everyone but for me, the first 2 weeks of my first baby were pretty horrendous, not at all a special time to be looked back upon with fond memories!! However, for my Mum, it probably was quite special to be there and know she was really helping us.

Good luck with everything - whatever decision you come to I would base it around your needs as they will certainly be the greatest!