Is your nanny who you think she is? Post Reply

[KiwiAmanda]

I would dearly love to know the details of the actual abuse. If anything, it might help me to be braver when confronted with the same behaviour.

And just to be clear shellbell, you would have also raised the issue with your friend had she been the one conducting the abuse against her own children?

[stayathomemuminsw11]

This is such a sensitive subject, and obviously a very emotive one as well. These are just my own (somewhat rambling!) thoughts...

I am now a mum myself, but during school/university holidays, I did some temporary nannying work.

Now I am a stay at home mum, and have friends who have nannies, so I suppose I see both sides. My parents also had nannies for us when we were children.

The bottom line is, you can never be 100% sure of someone's personality and character, and what they'll be like with your children when you hire them. You have to trust your own judgement, gut feeling, and, how your children react to the nanny. Obviously it goes without saying check references etc. Personally I feel 'spying' on nannies is not a good idea with the likes of CCTV etc on a regular basis, BUT I am all for doing the odd 'spot check' on your nanny. By this I mean 'popping' home at a time when you are not expected. Not often, but just occasionally, under the premise that you need to pick something up or were able to come home early. If your nanny is good, and there are no issues, she should be fine about this, and you should find everything as you expect!

Remember too that nannies are only human AND have bad days, just like anyone else. Of COURSE having a 'bad day' is different to abuse, but I too would like to know what kind of abuse the OP refers to. It's very easy to judge a nanny OR a parent who you might see raising their voice in the street to a child. You have NO idea if the child has been testing the boundaries all morning, or whether they have only just raised their voice to get the child's attention. Also remember that no one is perfect, and while nannies should (and mostly do!) have limited patience, looking after a small child (or children) for up to 10-12 hrs a day, sometimes with no break, can be very tough.

When I worked as a nanny, I saw some mediocre ones (sat and gossiped all day drinking coffee with their nanny friends disguised as 'playdates') and some fantastic ones.

I think mums, whether they work or not, have a nanny or not etc, feel SO much guilt about the decisions they make, and if they need to go back to work (and/or want to) then childcare is an issue, and there are pros and cons for nannies and nurseries, and any of the other options available. No situation is perfect or without risk, so the best thing you can do is make an informed judgement, go with your feeling, and check up as much as possible without being intrusive.

As for the post by Asmara, I don't know what to say to that! Like I say, all parents have good and bad days, but all the parents I know are NOTHING like you describe, although I'm not denying that maybe it does happen, but to generalise ALL parents into this category is ridiculous!

[nannypj]

I've just checked this out as it was highlighted on weekly email.
I couldn't see original post so am not too sure what it's all about.
I'm a nanny and i've been nannying for 22 years.
It's very easy to sit on computer in judgement of people we don't know and without full facts. I'm not condoning in anyway abuse it is wrong wrong wrong and needs to be dealt with asap.
I worked for a family where social services we watching the family. Things were really bad for a while and if mum hadn't have looked for help by employing me( or another nanny) then I think the children would have gone into care.
Today i'm happy to say mum got herself back on track and they are all thriving as a tight family unit.
If I saw someone being abusive then I know myself well enough to know i'd step in and say something whether it's a mum or a nanny, i'd like to think that anyone who is aware of abuse would put the needs of the abused over any indecision they may feel about interfering or the risk of upsetting someone.

[mitch74]

the original poster seems to have gone very quiet....would be interesting to see what she has to add....

[supergirl]

This post written by OP before she edited it and the ones written after that raised one question which I think is interesting.

Where does abuse start and disciplining stops (we seem to all agree that there are different ways of disciplining whether we agree with them or not)? I am obviously not talking about physical abuse which is more evident and therefore easier for a witness to intervene.

There was a post a few months ago written by a person who witness a mum yelling to a daughter on the way to school and was wondering whether she should have intervene... As it is a difficult one to answer (again I am not talking about physical abuse as we seem to agree with the definition of it), I would love if we could as a community of mums, dads, nannies and childminders define it...

Sx

[NannySonia]

susiep23, I just did the course 4 months ago. I was horrified and argued with the teacher, but she made that good point that you need a catalogue of injuries to bring a case against the abuser, or no change can be made. She said 80-85% (can't remember the exact percentage) of reported cases don't result in any action even where social services believe the report. Additionally, letting the abuser know you have noticed means they will likely become more sneaky about it. The teacher referenced one case where someone was beating a child's midriff with a bag filled with oranges, as that didn't leave bruises on the outside. The child ended up with horrific internal injuries though.

I wouldn't say a parent using CCTV or similar on a nanny would be wrong. I think if it stops some abuse early then it is worth all the moral grey zone. Children often don't tell people when they are abused as the abuser tends to make them feel it is their fault they are being hit etc. so it is just too easy for someone to get away with.

For school aged kids I always ask them what is the best thing that happened today, and what is the worst. A 7 year old told me, after chatting happily for 20 mins about other things, that the worst thing was her teacher threw a pair of scissors at her, and they cut her under the eye. (Indeed that is what had happened, and she had a tiny V shaped cut.) I asked why they were thrown and she said her teacher was angry with her. She wouldn't have told any of us unless I had asked so specifically.

[SDSLondon]

Wow this thread has sparked off some debate in our office!

When my DD (now 16) was younger, I would have loved to have CCTV. One nanny stole from me, another had parties during the day! A colleague has an under 2, she said she would install CCTV like a shot. I think a lot of people would! Not just for 'spying' on the carer but when you're at work all day, it's nice to be able to press a button and see your children playing or sleeping or whatever they are doing at the time. It's reassuring! We miss our children when we are away from them. We are responsible for them even when we are not there! With smartphones such as iPhones, it is possible to link home from wherever you are at the time?

At SDS London we have just started to supply a new range of CCTV Surveillance Video kit with 4 cameras http://www.sdslondon.co.uk/digital-cctv ... meras.html. This high resolution surveillance package is ideal for the home or small business owner wanting to set up a digital surveillance system with network and remote access. So you can link in from your desktop, laptop, iPad, iPhone or other smart device.

We know there are lots of fors and againsts the idea of CCTV. If anyone wants to know more, you can see a demonstration at our Northcote Road showroom.

[mitch74]

A couple of things..... Is this cctv going to be in secret or is the nanny going to know about it? is it legal to film someone in secret? and if they know about it does it not defeat the object? Is it going to be in every room? surely would have to be if you want to keep your children safe or the nanny could easily hide in bathroom etc to abuse child.....

If you are considering having some kind of filming device in your home why stop at the nanny, what about your husband/wife or your cleaner or grandparents....... sorry I know this sounds harsh but get a grip..

If you are seriously considering filming someone in your home.... THE trust has gone and they should not be there

SDS sounds like your just trying to cash in on current post situation...

[shellbell83]

I AM THE ORIGINAL POSTER.

IV BEEN QUIET BECAUSE TO BE HONEST I DIDNT EXPECT SO MANY UTTETLY DISHUSTING COMMENTS.

THE SPELLING IS DUE TO ME DOING THIS ON MY PHONE, AND WHAT THE HELL AS THE POST GOT TO DO WITH SPELLING AND GRAMMER.
I HONESTLY CANT BELIEVE HOW RUDE SOME OF YOU ARE!!!

I AM COMPLETELY DISGUSTED!!

WHAT THE HELL HAS IT GOT TO DO WITH U WHAT ABUSE IT WAS, I SAW IT WITH MY OWN EYES, I KNOW ITS ABUSE, IM NOT STUPID, AMD IM NOT ABOIT TO DISCLOSE ON HERE WHAT KIND OF ABUSE OT WAS. THESE ARE REAL CHILDREN, BABIES.

MY AIM FOR THIS POST WAS TO SIMPLY RAISE AWARENESS THAT ABUSE CAN HAPPEN REGARDLESS IF ALL LOOKS WELL ON PAPER
I SIMPLY SUGGESTED HAVING CCTV, NOT HIDING IT FRO
THE NANNY. AT THE END OF THE DAY, IF THE NANNY IS DOING NO WRONG THEN THEY WOULDNT MIND CCTV..
IT WAS A SUGGESTION, THATS ALL.

BLOODY HELL..
WERE TALKING ABOUT CHILD ABUSE F(R CHRIST S

[shellbell83]

WERE TALKING ABOUT CHILD ABUSE FOR CHRIST SAKE !

SHOULDNT WE ALL BE ON THE SAME SIDE?

RATHER THEN TALKING ABOUT MY GRAMMER AND UR OPIONION OF ME TRYING TO SCAREMONGER!

SOME OF U, ARE PATHETIC !!!!!!

[mitch74]

I would take it from your 'shouting' that you feel quite concerned about these babies/children..... and am hoping that you have vented your anger in the right direction and at the right people and have done something about it??????

[shellbell83]

Mitch 74

THE WHOLE POINT OF THIS POST WAS TO RAISE AWEARNESS OF ABUSE.

IM NOT EVEN TO LOWER MYSELF TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTION!!!

[abigail]

sdsl london are you advertising yourself free here? lets put a CCTV camera in yr office or in PM's bedroom so know what he is dreaming about!

[abigail]

shellbell83, you have such a low IQ,honestly, do you describe yourself as great mother sitting infront of the PC and writing comments on this site, did you reach 100 already? you must have a lot of time doing this while you watching yr kids!

[susiep23]

i completely agree with mitch's comments.

Shell bell..no one is denying raisng a cause for concern for a child/dren is the most important issue.

The annoyance people have is the way u voiced you're opionion to one group of people namely nannies with ur topic title "is ur nanny who u think she is". Naturally with all the good and trustworthy nannies out there u are going to get some backlash.

"We" (all who work with children, have children) "all" aim to protect and do best best for children in our care but most of us would not assume fault or discredibility with a whole group from one experience.

I agree with mitch on the cctv. I personally wouldnt mind if it was my boss wishing to see my charge during the day, what he is upto, other nannies may feel the same. Sure it would take getting used to.. dont pick food out ur teeth as a camera's about lol but as long as i was told Iwould'nt mind. If its a " on a need to catch u out thats assuming you have something to hide and thats the hurtful point.

For someone to have installed in my work place and to not be told i wouldnt work there anymore out of principal. Its a trust issue & i know all my nanny friends would feel the same. I know i love my job, am good at my job, u see ur child is happy & learning, ur updated on thier daily activities etc and my word should be enough.

Whilst I empethise with parents.. ofcourse ur children are the most precious things all good child carers understand this and go to great means to make u feel comfortabel with leaving you're children with us, but if u have lack of trust enough to need a camera to spy on ur employee's u should really rethink ur descision to have "anyone" other than you to look after you're children.