Advice please Post Reply

[Medway]

My kids are at school now so I consider the weekends to be when my husband is given plenty of time for relaxation as I have enough time during the week to see friends, go to the gym and read. When my kids were younger I asked him to do a few more chores (ironing shirts, food prep) than now. I plan my time so that is all done and dusted pre Friday night. TBH I feel incredibly guilty/ worried about the stress he is under at work and to keep getting promoted/ pay rises/ bonus' so we can afford to maintain our lifestyle

I also get to nap so my husband gets a lie in both mornings of the weekend if he needs to catch up on sleep.

He does however spend at least half a day on his own with the kids so they can have quality time, the rest of the time we stay together. My parents were both working full time parents when we were growing up in the 1980s-1990s. Sat am without fail was Dad's time (he went running etc). When he got back he took over which usually meant going to Grandparents for lunch/ the afternoon and getting home about 6. My Mum NEVER came. I think she slept all afternoon as she really needed it. Sundays were together, it worked great, we were very happy and I always felt I saw enough of them.

[runningmummy]

I love this post and TX response it brilliant. In a nut shell - we are all screwed unless you can get a round the clock nanny and housekeep!I guess it really is all about finding the balance. My husband and I have the same complaints. For me working part-time has been great to take away the boredom of being with children all day long as it gives a balance to home and work life so I can't complain about that to him anymore. Taking it in turns to have long lie-ins on the weekend has been brilliant for us both to just feel semi-human again (ear plugs often required though)....wine helps too..

[firsttimerSW11]

As someone else said, if you do Saturday mornings, then perhaps she can do Sunday mornings.
But I would definitely reiterate, make sure you do an occasional date night or lunch date just the two of you. Two happy parents make one less resentful and it becomes less of a competition of who works harder.

And as someone else (again) said, a bunch of flowers or an occasional voucher for All About The Girl will ALWAYS go down incredibly well.

Hope everything works out, if only they were all like you

[darlingmummy]

hello worried dad,
I think your wife needs a reality check.
she doesn't have to go to work, full or part time, she gets three holidays a year and your children are at private school.
which means that she has the days to herself, at least from 8.30am till 3.30pm, 5 days a week.
and she complains because you don't take the children away from her on a saturday morning?

maybe you should suggest that she finds herself a job and you become a stay at home dad, I am sure she'll very quickly change her attidude!!

anyway good luck, Saturday is only two days away!!!

[wurgdams]

I never reply to these threads, but I feel strongly about this one.

WorriedDad, I can totally relate to your situation. My husband works very hard to provide for our family. Today he left before I woke up to make it to a breakfast meeting and will be home after I go to bed because he has a dinner. I appreciate all that he does for our family. However, as a stay at home mum, I get so worn down that I end up lashing out at him despite my appreciation. Children have a way of finding your weak spots and drilling into them until you feel like you can't take it anymore.

My guess is that your wife really just wants for you to offer to help without her having to ask. She wants to feel like you think that she does amazing work during the days and weeks and months of chasing, protecting and nurturing your children. She wants to feel appreciated and loved and happy. Sometimes it's hard to get happy if you're worn out, as you must know with how hard you work.

Perhaps if you sit down with your wife and really listen to her, you can start giving her what she is asking for and then when you ask for what you need, she will be appreciative and willing to give back.

It's all a lot of work - marriage, partnership, raising kids, providing for our children. Sometimes I wish that we could just be done with this stage of life, but then my daughter tells me that she loves me or says something that makes me laugh really hard and I know that I need to be okay enough with myself and my husband that I can enjoy this stage.

Keep up the good work - both at your job in the city and at the relationships that are important to you.

[Mrs Contractor Mum]

Worried Dad - you have articulated yourself perfectly. This weekend, take the kids off to do the various activites and leave your message here for your wife to read during her 'me time'. Saturday night, take her out for dinner and discuss how you can prioritise all your time as a family (maybe even your kids would like a bit of down time too instead of relentless activities ).

Maybe you need to find some ways of bringing back a bit of simplicity to your family dynamics.

[people peace]

I think TEAMWORK is the key...

You are shattered after a demanding week at your job , wife is shattered after a demanding week with the children

Sounds like you BOTH need a break , preferably together , would you be able to organise some overnight childcare so you could both go off to a hotel somewhere calm and relaxing for both of you???

Then Sunday could be 'kids' day once you are both refreshed , nice Sunday lunch together or trip to the park etc or simple family bonding time which is much more enjoyable if not exhausted

Even if you did this regularly it would mean you both had a break to look forward to

Sounds like you need to get away together

[nvmof3]

http://www.nappyvalleynet.com/mums/view ... 94&t=39568

You need someone like this once in a while to give you both a break.

[people peace]

Just a thought but are extended family involved???

I OFTEN have my Grandson for weekends etc to give my daughter a break and her sister occasionally has my Grandson too even with a little one of her own

I had him for 2 weeks recently while his Mum jetted off to Jamaica ... But I vaguely remember the words ''never again'' exiting my mouth while in a comatosed state by the end of it!

I love doing my bit though and Grandparents etc are important to children

Have a great bond with my Grandchildren and also took little man abroad with me on holiday which he loved and I genuinely loved every minute too & for me it's creating happy memories as well as giving parent/s a break

Even if you didn't end up doing things together you could veg out and watch some sports etc and Mum could have a hot soak in the bath and a SLEEP , both knowing kids were happily baking cakes or playing in the garden at Grandparents house , family is a team , and being a Nan or Granddad is an enjoyable role!

I don't know about palming them off to Dad for a break or his turn on a Saturday morning as I had to bring up my 2 girls on my own and rarely if ever got a break ( but not complaining , they turned out LOVELY! )

[Stellarosas]

interesting reading....I think the lunch date idea sounds cool....also it may be an idea to arrange fun classes for the children on saturday and have yourself a massage or yoga class (that way you will be revived sooner) then off to your lunch date and collect the children later.

Good luck worried dad ...be pro-active or these feelings will only grow bigger

[SunMum]

If the kids are at school then your wife surely has a significant amount of 'me time' throughout the week? I would be tempted to follow the lunch date advice. Arrange for her to meet you at a soup kitchen in Tottenham and feed her a dose of reality!

Wheresmyschool - I think we may have found your 4X4 driver

[WannaBe]

Worried Dad - are all your kids at school? Does she have house help, etc? Those are important factors in the division of time.

We deal with both money and time equally - spend everything that is needed for the family and divide the rest (very little) in half.

But more importantly, it sounds to me like she needs a job - or something - to keep her occupied. She sounds a bit jealous of you to be frank. People have mentioned that being with children all day can be boring / intellectually not stimulating, which is probably true, but it really depends on the person. I am currently a stay at home mummy looking to go back to a full time job because that is the only way that we can have the lifestyle you describe. I always thought I would go back to work no problem (I am highly educated and passionate about work), but now I find I would LOVE to have your wife's life. (Provided she has kids in school /house help, etc. I can stay at home and have none of this.) But I can equally see how some people, who always thought they would love to stay home with the kids would then find themselves really, really wanting to have a successful career. Could this be her case?

Equally, should you count your blessings (or 'check your privilege' as it's more fashionably said these days) in that being a man predisposes you to have a high flying career and all the benefits that come with that (self respect, probably the last word on how the money is spent in the family, none of the guilt for not staying home with the kids, etc) and be really honest with yourself; really honest: given the choice, would you go to work or stay at home with your kids? Then cut her some slack. Or if kids at school / plenty of time for herself, talk to her about career choices.

[Tamasine]

hello
It took us a very long time too to realize that one person's need for help didn't necessarily mean that the partner / husband / wife had the ability to supply it.

We had countless arguments consisting of, "I can't do it, so you have to" in essence..... until we realized that a third person was needed in the equation.

I have changed our cleaner, meaning that we now have a person around our home willing to do a couple of hours extra when needed to just allow for a catch up on sleep, a spot of babysitting or watching the kids to enable a crucial appointment etc.

Such a simple solution - but it works!

The way i described it to my husband was ... "Your work pushes you beyond your limits, saps all your energy and bends you out of shape by the end of the week. You have no time to yourself and you do not choose to work this hard. Being at home with the children is EXACTLY THE SAME".

Good luck to you all!