Wife objecting to paying school fees for nephew Post Reply

[supergirl]

Well done! This is very generous and kind but in my opinion there are other ways to help and making a difference than singling one out.

How does one measure brightness? Grades only, IQ tests? It has been proven many times that intelligence is difficult because it covers so many. If academically one finds it hard does mske you unintelligent? Not fit for uni?

I discovered 18months ago i was dyslexic. My all life and experience would have been different if i had known before (i am 37 now). My older was deemed the most successfull. Well i ve done pretty well despite the odds being against me!!!!

Would you choose one of your child and do what your father did at the expense of the others? If the answer is no then dont do it.

But please help all your nieces and nephews you never know what the future hold. Help with advices, mentoring, tutiring, school applications, bursary, set uo ISAs for them or trust funds, etc. but dont decide that you ll help just one kid please.

That would be my reservation if i was your wife. That and you proving to me that our children education is paid for. Ie. you could negotiate 25% disc on your children fees if you pay upfront 5yrs. Then having a trust for secondary school money and uni. I would absolutely dont care about skiing holidays but yes would expect at least 1 family holidays a year (nothing fancy though).

Talk to you wife. Good luck and keep being a generous human being.

[twice_as_nice]

Wow this is really interesting! You're very generous for thinking of this, and obviously because of the opportunity you were given, but my tuppences worth are:

a) what will the impact on their broader family be?
how many bright nieces and nephews do you have? if you apply the 'brightness' rule to all, would you then need to think about putting more children through this? Would the less bright nephews and nieces actually not benefit more from a private education than their brighter brother / cousins? Will your other nieces and nephews not feel that they are less valued/ less bright than the others. You were obviously very emotionally mature to be able to understand the conversation you had with your dad - do you think your nephew is? and do you think the others are emotionally mature enough to understand?

b) a state eduction - even in a school with a poor reputation - doesn't mean a poor eduction or poor outcome for that individual.
We all are a product of our experience and most of us stick with what we know and prefer because thats what we are comfortable with. I went to a state school, not a great one, not a grammar, not a really bad one. Just normal. I did pretty well, and I completely believe that my success at work was due to the broader education I had - e.g. the EQ you get from interacting with a broader range of people. I don't doubt you get better contacts from private schools but I do think the broad privilege that most people live in at private schools (of course not all - and in your case I can see you were different) gives a different attitude to those who come from a state background. You were probably lucky because you had both grounding and good schooling, and you appreciated that.

c) I'd also venture to suggest that your success is undoubtedly in part due to your schooling but also in a big part due to the family support you had and your general approach and personality. So don't think that because this boy doesn't have the educational opportunities, he can't be as successful as you.

Perhaps the best thing you can do for him is to provide additional tutoring to help supplement the teaching as others have suggested? This will help him but not alienate him from his other siblings - and you could probably afford to do this for all the children so its fair for all?

[Cityhubby]

Thank you again to everyone who has responded.

The question as to whether it was the school or myself that was responsible for my current job is an interesting one.

Obviously I've had to do a relatively good job but I honestly meant it when I wrote that I found myself working in a bank. They were different times and all one had to do was turn up with a good degree from a good university and they'd start you with a thousand others.

I don't have time to respond to every reply but I am reading avidly.

Thank you again

[MotherSisWife]

I wish you were my uncle, lol.
Coming from a council flat myself and still living in council accommodation, no one wants to stay there. So if you are able to help then by all means do so. With the financial help you provide him he will go on to help others. Thus creating a butterfly effect.

Why have just one really successful person in a family when you can have many...

[millymoo]

Agree with much of what has been said hear re singling out one particular relative over others and I think you need to ask yourself if you do go ahead with this how you will feel if this nephew doesn't measure up to your idea of success (whatever that may be, financially or professionally). I'm not sure of the make up of your own family but as a mum working full time in financial services with two daughters I feel very strongly about girls having the same access to education and opportunities as their male counterparts so you may want to consider what kind of effect something like this would have on any siblings that your nephew has. A lot of interesting debate hear and hope you reach right conclusion for everyone involved.