Only afford to send one to private school Post Reply

[Nims]

Just don't do it. Please. It causes huge resentment at a later date.
Treat your children equally.
If you can only afford for one, then actuallyadad has given you the best solution.

[sw1234]

Interesting thread. I agree that it’s best not to enter into something that seems unfair from the outset. Interestingly I am one of 4, With 2 going private and 2 not. The circumstances are different in that we were given the choice of School at secondary so there couldnt be and wasn’t any resentment. That said in our family I don’t believe there would have been resentment anyway as my parents always did what they felt best. The 2 whom went private got the better grades but interestingly didn’t go on to get the best (if that’s judged on pay?!) jobs!

[MrsAliwal]

I'm the oldest of 3, at the start of secondary school I was failing, so my parents sent me to a private school in which I flourished academically - it changed my attitude towards learning.

My brothers went to one of the top boys Grammar schools in New Zealand (probably better than the private schools), they flourished in terms of sports and academics and absolutely loved it. We all went on to study law at university, and pursued different careers. I actually think they have gone on to have more interesting and rewarding careers than I have...one of my brothers becoming a top musician, writer and owns his own music production company.

It was never the case that they thought I was at all favoured. I don't think they cared then, and I don't think they care now. My parents have gone on to support each one of us financially in different ways.

Anyway, that's my experiance. Do what's best for your children, it would extremely sad if they developed any resentment.

[Esille]

I would also assume that you'd send the 'struggling' sibling to the private school and the confident (smart?) one to state ; )

It would be great to know your reasons why.

Looking at friends and family, it's so hard to say why one person 'fails' and one flourishes. Being in an environment where you have to overcome obstacles can teach you valuable lessons and strategies for the rest of your life.
Lots of people I know are in very highly paid and good jobs and they didn't go to private school, heck some of them didn't even go to university.

Another observation is that the people who said it didn't cause resentment are the ones who were sent to a private school and the ones who said it did were the state school students.

I wouldn't personally send one and not the other one, because whichever way you look at it, it's easy to get interpreted in the wrong way!

[SendOne]

I'm the oldest of 3, at the start of secondary school I was failing, so my parents sent me to a private school in which I flourished academically - it changed my attitude towards learning.

I would also assume that you'd send the 'struggling' sibling to the private school and the confident (smart?) one to state ; )

Thank you to everyone who has replied it's been incredibly useful. I don't want to go into too much detail as to whether it's the more or less academic one whom I'd look to send but there does appear to be a very strong "fit" for one child.

What I was hoping to hear is that it didn't cause any problems at all but I'm not really reading that and, more worryingly, I think the potential for resentment is pretty huge.

I'm still torn but have to say I'm increasingly worried that it would store up some pretty big problems in the long term.

Thank you again everyone - hugely helpful.

[millymoo]

Interesting topic. My sister in law has decided to send her 2 of her sons to private school and her youngest daughter to state. As I have 2 daughters I find this quite curious and do wonder how her daughter is going to feel later on in life about the fact that she got a different education experience to her brothers. Agree with many of the other posters that a private education is not necessarily an indication of how successful you may be in the future but I can see potential angst that this could cause between siblings.

[parsleysong]

If you can't afford to send both, then maybe don't send either and use that money on tutors for both?

However, it also strongly depends on the schools and how they feel about it. Personally, it didn't do me any harm to go to a state secondary while my siblings went private, because my state school was better and not a second choice, whereas the private school my sibs went to was (we laugh about it) for dummies who didn't get into my school. Just make sure if you decide to do this that she doesn't feel like she's less worth it than her brother. Don't send her to a horrible school and him to great one - make sure one doesn't feel lesser or more than the other.

I never have, but when I clocked at about 16 that my education cost about £100 and theirs cost probably £££ I raised it with my parents and got a few good financial favours out of them. Good luck x

[Goldhawk]

Have you considered saving the money for both of their further education at 18+ ?

[AbbevilleMummy]

Actually Goldhawk makes a very good point.

Everyone is talking about our own personal experiences when we were young but none of our parents had to pay Uni fees.

If you can only afford for one to go private does that mean you can only potentially afford for 1 to go to Uni? If that is the case then I would definitely hold off on private education to ensure I could afford to offer both my kids a university education.

[shocked]

I must say, it is really heartbreaking reading of so many boys going private and not the girls. I myself know a couple of cases.

I agree with the comments that (specially if you support social equality) the one that should go private should be the one that needs more help. The clever ones (in my experience) will always do well.

Also be careful with the second child. I know of a few parents that have found out their child was dyslexic at the end of primary school. If your daughter happens to be dyslexic you may realise too late she needs a private school (smaller classes, etc...). Schools that specialise in dyslexia and special needs are horrendously expensive.

I also agree with some other comments. It does not have to be one or the other. If I was in your shoes I would save the money and put both in private school for sixth form. It could make a huge difference to their Uni offers. This route is quite common and you can always prepare them for GCSEs with tutoring. Also, if one of them cannot enter the sixth form it will be only two years and it will be because of the GCSE results which I think it would be harder to be resentful about.

[atbattersea]

Perhaps I am cynical, but I think that if you cannot afford to send both children to private school, then you really cannot afford to send one of them. If you have to make big sacrifices to send one, then you cannot afford it. If you don't have to make those sacrifices to send one, then you can make the sacrifices and send two.

However, what I really believe is that if you have the option (and you probably do if you are considering substantial school fees (c£20k)), then you should move to an area with good/excellent state schools, invest your money in bricks and mortar, and use the remaining savings for extracurricular/tutoring (that's a lot of money to spend a year).

If you think your little darlings can't stand the pace of extra tuition, consider that if in the independent sector they would be spending an hour to an hour and a half extra in school every day compared to state schools. Ok, longer holidays might ease that a bit, but probably won't work well for you if one is in a private school and the other is in a state school.

I think you have to ask yourself what it is you think you are buying with a private education? If it is contacts, then I think that really only happens at University level. You could well be buying into a prejudicial system, where your child does get an advantage at certain stages. But if you want academic results, you can get that in state schools – you just need to keep a tight rein on their lives, all of it.

[Mum2Monkey]

We can (just!) afford two lots of private fees. In fact that is what I assumed we would do until quite recently, because it seemed like the natural path.....

However, we are hoping that our son gets into Graveny /one of the state grammars. Fingers crossed. That is definitely our first choice for him . I doubt our daughter is bright enough to get into one of the state selective schools and so will most likely go to a private school.

I definitely don't see a state selective school as inferior and believe it might help our son in terms of university and jobs later in life as there seems to be a trend towards some positive bias to state schools.

[K1999]

I've got 2 kids and they both started at State School and then moved to Private schools once we could afford it.

Whilst we went to a well respected state school, the main thing I realised is, IF you have a bright child, they are going to do well where ever they go. If you have a child with i.e. dyslexia, then the large classes and lack of provisions means that state schools don't really cater for learning support.

In the state schoos, Parents also use other resources i.e. tutor and/or Kumon to help bring their kids up to speed if they are going to try for the private secondary schools or for entrance exams for the good state secondary schools. This usually means that the child is having extra work from any time from year 4 onwards, so you need to be determined. Plus, if the parents want their child to go to one of the very highly desired schools, the child can end up be tutored to an inch of their lives!

Private schools have much smaller classes. My son is dyslexic and we moved him from the state school in year 3 as he was getting lost in the large class and thank god we did. He went to an all boys prep school and got to do loads of sports and really thrived so although it was tough paying the fees, it was priceless to see how happy he was.

We did move our daughter to a mixed private school and she thrived also. Personally I cannot recommend private IF you can afford it. But there are great state schools too. Just be prepared to have to put in a lot of extra time with extra school work as state schools are not always great preparing for the entrance exams.

[Ninapom]

My father has 4 children (2 from his first marriage). I was the only one to go to a state school and I don’t think I will ever get over the hurt, resentment and feeling of being less valued and loved than my siblings. My school was very rough and some truly awful things happened to me there. I have had years of counselling because of the abuse I suffered there.
All 4 of us have serious issues as a result of this decision to bring us up so differently and none of us speak to each other.
My Dad’s first wife had numerous affairs and my eldest brother is the result of one of her flings. My father brought him up as his own and overcompensated by ensuring he had the best education money could buy and everything he ever asked for he got. This brother is the most successful of all of us, but extremely greedy and entitled. He did not want my father to have children with my mother as that would “diminish his rightful inheritance”. He has since discovered he is not biologically related to us and has made it clear he is not interested in associating with “the plebs”.
My second brother also went to a top public boarding school. He never applied himself, has never been clever and failed abysmally in every exam. Despite this, he insisted on having a gap year and going to university (he scraped into a polytechnic and failed his degree). This brother has a low paid job, but lies and claims to be a manager, even though he has been caught out on LinkedIn and other people we know in common. My father is exasperated by him, decided private school was a waste of money and his poor performance is the main reason why my sister and I went to a state school.
My school was extremely rough but I worked hard and got good grades. My dad always expected my brothers to assist us in our careers by helping us to make contacts, work experience etc. Both boys said they would, but neither did. They have since said we wouldn’t feel comfortable around their friends as they would judge us for not being of the same class. My dad is old fashioned and believes that a boy’s education is more important than a girl’s. He was convinced my brothers would introduce us to eligible men, but they are both snobs and don’t want their posh friends to know they are related to poor people.
My sister was bullied at school for her looks and became seriously anorexic. My parents moved her to a private school and she is now a healthy weight and married to someone she met at school. She is convinced she was only given the opportunity to go to private school because my parents did not think she was pretty enough to get a husband. I too believe there is an element of truth in this, but she is married, has children and a good job, although she is very insecure about her looks.
I also had a horrible time at school, but was told if I kept quiet I could go to a private school for sixth form. I got top grades, but my Dad lost his job, so that promise was revoked and I went to a different state school for a-levels. I work hard and have a fairly good job, but my parents are not interested in my academic achievements and they cannot understand why I am not married.
All 4 of us resent each other because we were brought up in different schools, 1 brother thinks he was only privately educated because he was illegitimate, 1 brother because he was thick, my sister thinks it was because she is ugly and they all resent me because I went to the state school. I would have loved to go to a private school and think my life would be infinitely better if that was the case.
To anyone who is thinking of choosing a state school for one child and a private school for another, please think again, it really is so divisive.

[Lulubear]

I haven't done this but I know someone who was in the position of being sent to a state school whilst her brother went to a private school and it did cause lifelong resentment. Could you consider one of the following:  looking for schools offering generous scholarships in the form of fee reductions so that you could plausibly afford to send both private eventually?  You would need to ensure your children reached a high academic level for the entrance exams which would mean putting in extra work with them at home.  Alternatively use the money to pay for extra tutoring so that both have the opportunity to boost their results whilst staying in the state sector?