Husband won't be at birth Post Reply

[Got at wife]

Hello
I need some objective advice as my husband and I are continually arguing about this.

My husband refuses to be at the birth. He is quite squeamish normally and he recokons that he doesn't want to see me in so much pain and doesn't want to see "the mechanics" (as he calls it ) of me giving birth. He is worried that it will affect how he feels about me later, although I think that is just another excuse as he says the main reason is that he just things the whole thing will look pretty unpleasant.

He's not saying he won't go to the hopsital (oh thanks for that! ) but just not in the room whilst I am actually at the end of labour. The birth is about three months away.

Anyone else in that situation? What happened? I feel like just insisting but if it is a big deal it feels a little unfair.

GAW

[jessl01]

Hi there, I can really appreciate how you must feel - it is hard enough thinking about the prospect of labour without feeling like you might have to do it without your husband .

My husband was very squeamish about all things birth but I gave him the choice early on, as I didn't want to force him to be there if he couldn't handle it (and I have read stuff about relationships struggling when the husband can't deal with what he has seen). I told him that it was fine if he couldn't handle it but that I wanted someone else to be my birth partner if he couldn't. I felt sad that he might miss such a momentous occasion but felt that being at the birth wouldn't necessarily influence what kind of Dad he was and ultimately that was the most important thing. In the end we decided that he wanted to be there but didn't want to see the 'business end' too closely. We discussed that it would be possible for him to be there and be the support at the head end - there were qualified people to deal with the other end. As it happened I had my son standing up and holding on to my husbands neck so he couldn't have been further away and yet was completely involved.

i do think it can be difficult to see someone you love in pain and not be able to do anything about it, it can be quite difficult for some men. Perhaps that is what your husband is worried about and on some level he is probably worried about the effect that the birth will have on your relationship. All understandable I guess.

You will need support though, so if your husband really isn't up for it and isn't up for negotiation, then you might need to find someone else to be there for you.

hope that is useful. I hope you find a solution that is good for you.

[sjfld]

Hello - I registered to reply to you! You need to be re-assured that men being at births is a very, very modern trend. In fact for thousands of years men were keenly kept away from births.
Here is an interesting article you may find helpful:
http://www.wombecology.com/masculinisation.html" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;
My husband was with me throughout most of the labour for son No.1 but waited outside during the pushing bit. His sister was my fabulous birthing partner and far better than he could have been at that time. He was my partner for birth No. 2 and was lovely, and I'm very glad he was there, but I might have benefited from a softer, more gentle and feminine approach to support!!!
I wish I'd known all this before my first birth, because like you I felt short-changed that he wouldn't be with me like 'normal men'. Well, it turns out it's far more normal historically; and long-term-historically, like throughout our history! - for men to be kept away. I'm all for progress but when there are good reasons for our bodies to look back then it's worth doing.
The birth, as you say, is momentous - but there is so much surrounding it that is momentous too and he'll find other ways to be involved where he can.
Good luck.
x

[catief]

Hello

I also sympathise. I think given half a chance pre-birth my husband would have chosen not to be there for our son's birth. He is hugely squeamish and stayed by my head the whole time. He wouldn't even cut the cord. At one stage he even disappeared behind a curtain for a breather. I can honestly say I really didn't mind as I knew he was doing his best and we had talked about it beforehand. He was also absolutely brilliant during 1st stage labour, much better than i thought he would be. It is massively difficult to not take it personally when the man you love says he doesn't want to be involved, especially as you no doubt already feel a bit like an alien in your own body and have no idea what to expect from labour and birth. I had a doula with me and I cannot recommend one highly enough. I partly employed her to support my husband as I knew he would need more tlc than i could give during labour. Turns out that the tag team between them was perfect. I always had someone with me and when things just got a bit much for my husband he could take a breather without either of us feeling i was abandoned. It gave both of us the confidence to just get on with our separate roles. Depsite the beginning of this post I would say that he now says he woldn't have missed it for the world and although he looked mainly at the wall behind me as the baby was actually born, he was right there holding me and encouraging me while the midwives and the doula dealt with the birth. He also burst into tears when he saw our son and realised we were both safe. Try to let your husband know how hurtful he can sound when he talks about "the mechanics" and "the business end" (I've heard them all, grr stupid, insensitive men) and if you can try to understand that he's probably just as scared/daunted/worried as you I think you can manage it just fine (I think an overdose of bloomin' hormones makes us forget that we are not the only ones affected by these things!!!) PLEASE think about using a doula, they are such a valuable part of labour and birth and ensure you have continuity of care in this day and age when you've probably never seen your midwife until you are 5cm dilated!!!

Just as an aside I do have a friend whose husband went to look when the baby was crowning and it took him a very very very long time to get over that image of his wife. She wished he'd not bothered!!

Good luck. And remember even if he is not there when your baby is actually born, he will probably still be all gooey eyed when he sees you and your little one and it will not affect what a great dad he will be. And possibly like my husband, he'll be so concerned for your wellbeing that it'll all be over before he's thought to leave the room!!

[Dadof3]

Saw this posting and felt compelled to reply, from a husband's perspective. I must say that it seems to me to be fairly selfish for a husband to duck out of the birth of his child on such a flimsy basis. It also shows how ill-informed his expectations of child birth probably are. More often than not it is not at all 'gory' and any thoughts along these lines (if they even have time to enter your head) are soon gone as you have something else (and incredibly beautiful) to focus on! Perhaps more worrying, in my view, is what this tells you about how your husband views you as a woman: if he is worried he will stop finding you attractive because he has seen you give birth then this raises serious issues about how (arguably, superficial) his attraction to you is. Will he stop fancying you as you reach middle and old age; perhaps he'd prefer to be in the pub when that happens too! Seriously, though, not only is it 'un-reconstructed' to duck out of the birth, who cares about that, frankly, it means he will miss one of the most magical moments of anyone's life...

[michelle gerlis]

hi

[michelle gerlis]

Hi

As an earlier post replied having a birth partner other than your partner can be a great compromise. if you dn't have a family member or friend that could give you the support that you both need then you could hire a BIRTH DOULA. A doula provides practical and emotional support to mums (and dads). Their service normally includes meeting you both antenally; being on call 24/7 from 38 weeks; being with you throughout labour until mum and baby are settled; and a post natal visit. You can get more informtion at www.doula.org.uk. I am co-regional rep for middlesex and surrey and if you e-mail me I would be happy to give you any further information. Good luck. This is such a special time fo you both, and hopefully to both have wonderful positive memories.