Options for husband and sex Post Reply

[JJ Lacey46]

Hello

I appreciate this maybe a sensitive topic and invite open mindedness and practical advice.

I'm in a relationship that is a great friendship but completely sexless and that is my choice. Nothing to do with hormones I've just got to the point in my marriage I don’t want sex with my husband. But I do want to be in a relationship with him. We have two children.

However, although I don't want him to seek a relationship elsewhere, I appreciate he has physical needs. 

Would anyone recommend that he looks for a paid for solution. I don't have a problem with it as long as it is consensual but I'm not sure it won't create more problems than it will solve.

Thanks for any suggestions JJ

[JJJJJ]

To me, physical intimacy is a key component of a marriage. It is one of the things that makes your relationship different to the relationship with any other person. You having decided that you no longer wants sex, also subjects your partner to a life free of physical intimacy.

'Buying in' isn't really an option in my opinion. There is a huge amount of coercion and corruption in prostitution that I would never want to be a part of. It is also NOT physical intimacy - it's sex.

If you no longer want to have sex and are unwilling to work on the issues surrounding why but your partner does want a sex life; then I think the marriage is basically over. You can coparent brilliantly as friends.

[sgmitch]

However, although I don't want him to seek a relationship elsewhere, I appreciate he has physical needs. 

He also has emotional needs (and so do you I expect) and sex is also about emotional closeness. Doing without it means that you both will be missing a lot and children learn from what they see in the home. I can appreciate your situation and am sorry to hear you feel this way. You probably have already thought a lot about why you feel this way but just try to think about all aspects and perhaps talk with a personal therapist if you have not already.

[Jjgolo]

Set yourselves free. Children or no children we all deserve a ‘full’ life and relationship. You may find if you have someone new in your life that you want an intimate relationship again.
How does your husband feel? Have you spoken to him about the ‘buy in option’?
‘If you love someone set them free’, best option.
You can remain best friends and parent together and show your kids your bond and commitment without living together.
As said earlier sex is sex not intimacy and it fulfills a need but not all of them....

[Lllll]

Hi J,

Have you spoken with your husband? Is he interested? Life is complicated. Marriage is complicated. Sex is complicated.

I’d suggest reading Dan Savage. He’s a relationship and sec advice columnist from the US. He’s practical and his advice may 1. Make you feel better and 2. Help answer your questions.

I can’t find an easy link to the archive, but I did find this tangential letter. If you search enough, I’m sure you’ll find a better from someone in a similar situation. Or you could even write to him.

https://www. thestranger. com/ slog/2019/10/24/41782701/geezer-seeing-sex-workers-behind-his-wifes-back

He often suggests finding a sex-positive therapist to people. That might help you and your husband.

Good luck and I hope you and your husband discover a way that works for both of you.

[FandF]

I’ve been in a similar situation, although slightly different as I came to realise I’m asexual rather than losing interest in my husband. (I had never really wanted to have sex with any of my boyfriends and sadly the various sex therapists I’d seen over the years focused on exploring ways of becoming aroused, so I always felt there was something wrong with me and I needed to try harder/make more effort. I only discovered the term asexual about 5 years ago and it was a lightbulb moment - albeit a rather upsetting one!)

I too didn’t want to break up my family. Eventually we saw a ‘couples coach’ who explained at the outset that she would work with us over a 12 week period and at the end either our relationship would be in a much better place, or we would be able to part amicably. I’d never considered that ‘parting amicably’ was an option and had felt totally overwhelmed by the thoughts of the process of separating finances, our home, time with our children, upsetting all those I love, dealing with my husband’s anger etc. It was the fear of all those things that had kept me where I was.

The coach did ask me about how I’d feel if my husband was allowed to have an intimate relationship with someone else - in all honesty I didn’t like the idea - which is totally irrational I know! I don’t remember if we ever talked about a paid for option.

Anyway, fast forward less than 2 years, we have separated, are on brilliant terms, kids are happy and spend half the week with each of us, he bought me out of the family home and I bought myself a flat 7 mins walks from the house, he met someone 2 months after we separated which is going really well and he’s having his needs met and I am genuinely really happy for them. We have weekend days out, holidays together and a midweek family meal at one home or the other most weeks. I’m not holding him back from living his full life and I also am free from guilt.

I should add that this has only worked out as well as it has because my husband decided from the outset that he wanted this to be as good as it possibly could be. We’ve had some tricky moments, but the easy thing would be to close off communication (so tempting) whereas he’s pushed us to keep talking and to resolve all issues. We’ve carried on being as open and honest about our feelings, our worries etc as ever before (probably better to be honest!) and it really helped to regularly dedicate time to talk (we’d go to the pub for an hour or two). He’s still the first person I turn to when I want some advice or support.

Anyway, one of the things that really helped me through this journey was a friend of mine told me about a couple she knew who had parted amicably, still went on family days out, holidays etc and it was really good to know it is possible to work out better than the situation we were in.

I’d be really happy to meet up for a Covid-friendly-outside-coffee if you’d like to talk some more or ask me questions about my experience. I know it’s really tough xxx

[Kirstie’s Mom]

I was in a sexless marriage for 10 years out of the 25 years we were married . I thought the same as you . Then I found out my husband was a pathological liar and forged my name on a mortgage and pawned my jewellery to cover up financial wrong doings . I divorced him immediately. It was tough for my daughter and I as divorce can be awful and my husband is seriously mentally ill so he made it horribly stressful and expensive.
Having said all that 3 years later quite unexpectedly I met the most wonderful man and have been with him for 6 years . We have a great sex life and I have trust and a relationship I never had with my husband.
So for me lack of sex with my husband was because I somewhere deep inside didn't trust him so I didn’t want the intimacy .
I too thought we could poodle along as friend until I found out I was just a cash card to this guy. So really think why you don’t want to be intimate . If it’s to keep up barriers rather than sexual preference - divorce .

[Scientist]

This is a tricky one and I suspect much more widespread, in a variety of guises, than many of us would imagine. 

Personally I disagree with some of the earlier responses that would have you believe that a marriage is over once the sex is over. Many marriages continue quite happily after sex has ceased to be a part of them. Also, we can't assume any particular level/absence of physical intimacy in your relationship as you haven't specified whether there is any. It is still possible to display physical intimacy without engaging in full-on sex. 

You also haven't specified whether you still have sexual needs, as distinct from your husband's - and if so, how you would intend to satisfy them. 

In these days when even our children seem to be able to access dramas and documentaries on TV/the internet in which everyone seems to be enjoying plenty of sex, it is tempting to believe that not having any is weird - but it isn't. It is quite possible and not abnormal to become 'celibate'.

Maybe some of our European neighbours have got it right, with their often comparatively relaxed acceptance of extra-marital affairs. I would tend to think that this may be preferable to a "paid for" option, for many reasons. As long as your husband still loves you and still wishes, as you do, to be in a relationship with you, then why not. It is definitely a better option than breaking up a family, for sure. 

I wish you both the best of luck. 

[Pam Custers]

Intimacy is such a sensitive question.

Firstly for complete transparency I am a relationship therapist. The dance of intimacy is a delicate one. strangely the more secure we feel the less sexually exciting our relationships become. At the same time we need security in order to have real intimacy. The relationship trick is how do we negotiate the juxtaposition of relationship security with the need for excitement in order to trigger desire. Although, this is a real generalisation, men equate sex to feeling loved whilst for women sex is what happens when you feel loved. That is where the disconnect happens. If we are not feeling connected/intimate with our partner it can often be hard to feel sexual. In reality foreplay starts on a Monday morning when there is emotional connection over breakfast.
There are ways to find your relationship mojo again if that is what you are looking for but you are also entitled to choose not to be sexual. The real question here is how do you negotiate this with your partner. You are not alone in this conversation. I think you have raised a very important conversation as so many are asking themselves the same question. I hope you find a good way forward that is co constructed and takes care of both of your needs. Pam Custers

[Jennifer365]

This must be a difficult time and a difficult situation for you and your husband.

After my divorce not so long ago, my ideas about marriage evolved quite a bit. I also talked to a lot of friends and discovered the 'typical' marriages that I thought they had were not what I expected at all. There are so many ways to be together and have a relationship, especially with the father of your children. I don't have any advice per se, but I would say that having open and honest talks over time while exploring what y'all both really want from the relationship and life could lead to some surprising revelations. It may not look like what you expect and it might not even be something you want to advertise to your friends and family but you can make up your own rules together.

Good luck!

[swmumoftwokids]

As many have said - there is such a broad range of workable relationships. It is important to remember that when children are in the picture, the decisions taken can have such a big impact (I say, as a child of divorce...which happened when we were teens). As parents, we all want the best for the kids. Having said that, though, both parents need to be happy to be good parents.

It's true, as some have said, that different people have varying needs vis a vis sex and intimacy. I have, at different times in my 25 year marriage, maintained separate bedrooms - once, when the kids were tiny as my husband had really full-on work that, due to different time zone coverage, sometimes had him on-line in the middle of the night. Other friends were aghast and thought we were destined for divorce if not sharing a bed. Definitely not the case. In fact, the friend who first said we'd be split up soon did, in fact, get divorced 10+ years ago (so, maybe he was no expert)!

Now, my husband has turned 60 and he's just not as into sex as he once was (and I seem not to be as into it either). He still loves me. He's not having an affair and neither am I. Our kids are grown and we have a great friendship and parenting relationship; I think we're both just in a new life phase. So, cutting a long story short, there are so many different versions of what works.

For yourself, just be sure you're in tune with your own needs. And that the dialogue with your husband is open and he can be honest about his own needs. For 'stability' and the children, maybe there's a version that keeps you together, but if not, divorce does not have to equal disaster for the kids. My parents are still friends (in their 80's) and me and my siblings turned out happy and OK, fully accepting that our folks simply were not meant to be together for the long haul. Good luck!

[pinkhorse]

Hello FandF, can you share the information of your coach? Thanks

I’ve been in a similar situation, although slightly different as I came to realise I’m asexual rather than losing interest in my husband. (I had never really wanted to have sex with any of my boyfriends and sadly the various sex therapists I’d seen over the years focused on exploring ways of becoming aroused, so I always felt there was something wrong with me and I needed to try harder/make more effort. I only discovered the term asexual about 5 years ago and it was a lightbulb moment - albeit a rather upsetting one!)

I too didn’t want to break up my family. Eventually we saw a ‘couples coach’ who explained at the outset that she would work with us over a 12 week period and at the end either our relationship would be in a much better place, or we would be able to part amicably. I’d never considered that ‘parting amicably’ was an option and had felt totally overwhelmed by the thoughts of the process of separating finances, our home, time with our children, upsetting all those I love, dealing with my husband’s anger etc. It was the fear of all those things that had kept me where I was.

The coach did ask me about how I’d feel if my husband was allowed to have an intimate relationship with someone else - in all honesty I didn’t like the idea - which is totally irrational I know! I don’t remember if we ever talked about a paid for option.

Anyway, fast forward less than 2 years, we have separated, are on brilliant terms, kids are happy and spend half the week with each of us, he bought me out of the family home and I bought myself a flat 7 mins walks from the house, he met someone 2 months after we separated which is going really well and he’s having his needs met and I am genuinely really happy for them. We have weekend days out, holidays together and a midweek family meal at one home or the other most weeks. I’m not holding him back from living his full life and I also am free from guilt.

I should add that this has only worked out as well as it has because my husband decided from the outset that he wanted this to be as good as it possibly could be. We’ve had some tricky moments, but the easy thing would be to close off communication (so tempting) whereas he’s pushed us to keep talking and to resolve all issues. We’ve carried on being as open and honest about our feelings, our worries etc as ever before (probably better to be honest!) and it really helped to regularly dedicate time to talk (we’d go to the pub for an hour or two). He’s still the first person I turn to when I want some advice or support.

Anyway, one of the things that really helped me through this journey was a friend of mine told me about a couple she knew who had parted amicably, still went on family days out, holidays etc and it was really good to know it is possible to work out better than the situation we were in.

I’d be really happy to meet up for a Covid-friendly-outside-coffee if you’d like to talk some more or ask me questions about my experience. I know it’s really tough xxx

[LeeDonna]

Some men see vibrators and other sex toys as a threat to their well-being.