daughter not invited to party Post Reply

[belinda158]

Wondering if there is anything that I can do about the fact that my 8 year old daughter seems to be only one of two in her class not invited to a birthday party. The birthday girl isn't a friend of my daughter's - this is a new class mix this year,  but regardless there are only 11 of them in her class and it seems a bit mean to me to start a new school year like this. Not sure if I can say anything or perhaps asking another mum to say something would be better? Help!

[waltzer]

I feel for you as I've been on the receiving end of similar although some years ago. I didn't address it head on, couldn't trust myself not to get too cross. I do think that the mum knew she had messed up which was some consolation for me. I treated my daughter to cinema and tea, sleepover with a friend on the party day. Hope that she's ok.

[NoodleFan]

I would let it go - at least it’s not kids in her close friendship group being mean. And if you force the issue it probably won’t make you feel better if she is invited.
Great idea in the post above to spoil her - maybe ask one of her better friends to come to tea.

[ellesmum]

I had this, too, a few years ago, although it wasn't a new mix, just snobby parents who were bigger bullies than their kids - and apples often don't fall far from trees. Unfortunately, though, there's nothing much you can do - it's their party and they can invite, or exclude, whoever they wish. Rise above it and use it as a tool to teach your daughter resilience and kindness. I was, and am, lucky that my daughter dances to the beat of her own drum & really didn't care that she was left out for other people's parties. However, it was having invites to her own party turned down, ignored, or no-shows from people who said that they were coming that hurt more. I would grit your teeth and plan something fun with your daughter on that day.

[Galpod1]

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, that sucks. I would check though with the kid: we once happened to go to a playground where my son’s classmate’s birthday party was happening but my son never clued in or felt excluded. He was just happy to find all these friends there. It took me a while to let that go but he wasn’t affected.

[Phoenixpayne]

No one has to invite anyone they don't want to their birthday party. That's life, it honestly isn't a big deal. When I was younger there was no such thing as inviting the whole class, none of us cared and our mum's wouldn't have even considered approaching a parent about it. You've said it yourself she's not your daughters friend.

If she didn't win a race in sports day and everyone in her class did would you buy her a medal?

[Mum2Girlz]

I’m so sorry, that’s horrible. Is your daughter’s birthday coming up? I’d focus on the positive and plan the best day for her and her friends, even if it isn’t for a while.

[dan.johns]

By school year 3 not everyone has to be friends (no matter how much we as parents might want to imagine their school as a social learning utopia) and nobody has to invite people who aren't their friends to their party, but it is important to make sure this isn't part of a pattern of exclusion. A school class size of just 11 may be a cause for concern, as most schools in SW London are oversubscribed and a class of 30 is way more common, it is nice to feel your child will get more of a Teacher's attention, but it does mean that Social Exclusion as a form of bullying is going to be more common, and it is worthwhile having a quick chat with the form teacher to make them aware of the situation. They will likely insist that nothing untoward is happening because schools are terrified of 'the B word' but it happens at all schools and in all classes to a greater or lesser extent. Informing them that you are aware of the situation and the potential pitfalls should be enough for a good primary teacher to stop things getting too bad (it can sometimes be solved by something as straightforward as switching up a seating plan). If your daughter is at any point finding herself excluded from play etc during school then take the issue to the Head Teacher immediately, do not worry about seeming to be a bothersome parent. This is the age these problems tend to rear their heads, and can continue all the way to Year 6 if not dealt with.

[faybian]

Have you considered talking to the class teacher? We had a rule in our class that if you asked more than half the class you had to ask everyone, for exactly this reason. It is tricky with a class of 11 as it's so small, I certainly think it would be better to invite everyone if the party is larger than just close friends.

[Vista321]

This happened to my daughter in the summer too. A girls in her class, whom she’s been with since reception and invited to her own party, invited 17 other girls to her party at home but not my daughter. My daughter took it well initially, when she found out from her friends, but has mentioned a lot since and I know is deeply hurt.
I tried to counsel my daughter but am pretty sure that this was at the behest of the other girl’s mother, who’s not keen on my daughter as she is very direct.
I considered saying something to the mother but have decided against it and will try and rise above it. My daughter is aware that it was probably down to the mother though and this is important so that she maintains a relationship with the girl at school. This girl has now been put in a different class so should be easier not to invite her when my daughter’s birthday comes up!

[rosie.fc]

That’s really tough.
Is there any downside of having a quick chat with the mum? She may not have thought through the impact of not inviting just 2 and may bot be intentionally unkind. This way at least there’s a chance to change it and it may not be a big deal. Then no need to ‘rise above it’ or get over it.
Otherwise it’s hard to solve it.
And agree with the idea that chatting to the class teacher about a rule that if most are invited all should be. Good luck.

[Ex Clapham resident]

This is tough and quite hard to understand with these numbers- if you’re inviting 8, why not 2 more? Is there a chance the invite could’ve got lost in her bag? The mum might be wondering why you’ve not replied?

You could check with her - say something like ‘ I just wanted to check we hadn’t missed an invitation to name’s birthday’. That way, you’re not making a fuss, covering yourself if you’ve missed it and making a not so subtle point!!

[i'macowboy]

I can see how this might be a bit upsetting but I'm not sure you can - or should - 'do' anything about it really, especially if the girls aren't actually friends (which is very different to a friend not inviting her). I also think that if there are two of them not invited, that also makes a difference - one solitary person being left out is definitely not on; two makes it clearer that it's not likely to be personal. Is it a party where numbers might be limited (e.g. an activity-based party)? If there are 9 girls including the birthday girl, and the birthday girl has a sibling, then that's 10 in total which might be all they can (or want to, if it's something quite pricey) invite. Finally, is your daughter actually upset about it? I only ask as I think sometimes it's us parents who worry more about this stuff. If she is, as others say, do something nice with her that day, then draw a line under it. 

[belinda15]

thanks so much for all of your replies and for sharing your tricky situations. I have taken on board all of your suggestions and asked my daughter to invite a couple of her old friends over for a playdate and sleepover, she seems excited and tbh distracted by this so fingers crossed it does the trick.
Reading what many of you have written I don't think that I will say anything and hope that it all blows over quickly. I know that there is a lesson here for her in terms of how she treats other girls and I hope that I can get her to see it without her feeling too upset. For now I think it is more about me getting her through this next week. Thanks again to everyone who has posted.
ps i had to change my username slightly to write this, I posted as a guest and I don't seem to be able to re use the name that I picked.

[Starr]

I hate to hear about this sort of thing.
My daughter has just started senior school and at age 8 she would have felt quite sad in that situation.
Very thoughtless of the parent. I've always invited all or just a few.
Hope she has a lovely time with her sleepover and she was right to be upset - but try not to dwell on it.