Husband wants to cut back on our lifestyle and won't let me ask my parents for help Post Reply

[hellogoodbye]

Can anyone advise what they would do in my shoes? On our post Christmas drive back to London on Monday my husband took his moment to declare that he felt things needed to be different regarding our lifestyle.  He is worried that we are getting dragged down a rabbit hole, paying for schools we cannot afford and taking holidays, upgrading the house etc.  which are all increasing our credit exposure. He wants to use the new year as a marker to change. My issue is that I like our lifestyle and don't really want to give it up, especially as I don't think we have to. My parents are well off and regularly help my siblings. My husband doesn't want us to go down this route. I think that this is ridiculous, they are my parents and would willingly help. Not sure whether to go and get the help without him knowing or suffer a wholesale change. Apologies for the heavy post in the middle of the holidays but would love some advice?

[chorister]

1. Sit down together and go through the numbers, not just now, but for the next 5  - 10 years to make sure you are not guessing when you say "I don't think we have to".
   
2. Who provides the bulk of your family income?  If it is your husband then he should probably have the casting vote, especially if your lifestyle is being sustained on credit.
   
3. Realise that over the next few years inflation and the increasing sacrifices that combatting climate change are going to involve are both going to impact the standard of living of all of us in any case, and protecting the most vulnerable is going to mean that the burden will inevitably fall on those who can afford private schools, exotic holidays and housing upgrades.
   
4. And remember his pride.  Perhaps he married you because he loves you and wants to provide for you, not rely on your family.
   

[Melwatk]

Hi! If I were in your shoes, I’d sit down with him to fully understand his perspective before proposing any alternative solution. It’s hard to diagnose whether your financial situation is problematic/ resilient enough, or if it’s true that you have to depend on external sources (credit or family) to fund your current lifestyle, or what you are doing to build assets for the future...anyway, a review of your personal finance is always a very useful exercise. All the best!

[Guewt]

I’d separate and choose your lifestyle
This will come up later and be a problem
It’s more important for you and you both have very different priorities in terms of what’s important
I’ve been down this route and my wife preferred her lifestyle over everything else.
Most women who live in this area will marry for lifestyle though…hence most spouses work in banking - way the world is

[Lola1]

I would be really careful how you deal with this. If you have full transparency over the family financial affairs then you are probably in a better position to know if your husbands concerns are valid, if not I would do as suggested by other readers go over all the finances with him, understand the level
of any borrowings there are, how secure his employment is and what the plan is for funding the current lifestyle, private education and school fees, to be frank if one spends more than they earn on a regular basis that means trouble down the line! Prepare yourself for the fact there could be more debt than you are aware of and his job may be precarious. Look at options, cutting back holidays, looking at different schooling options, what income you are are able to contribute and what aspect
of the family outgoings can you take take financial responsibility for. Perhaps if your parents are willing they could pay a lump sum towards the school fees which will reduce the ongoing burden but do think if you can pay for the children to be privately educated all the way through to 18? is there a natural point when they can move to the state system? You want to try to avoid moving them mid year etc.
I hope you find a solution and it’s helpful a full view and understanding of all the finances, warts and all!

[Kirstie’s Mom]

Believe it or not women also can work in Banking and finance too to fund their own lifestyle. It is rare I agree but can happen.
I don’t have much more to add except say that the low interest rate environment is slowly coming to an end so if you have built your lifestyle on credit then it might be time to start paying off your creditors.
So sit down with your husband and see what the finances look like . I would also forecast what rate rises will do to it . It might come as a shock .
You could also speak to your parents about tax and estate planning if you haven’t already there might be a way to receive funds from them and save on future taxes . Saying that I would use those funds to reduce your current debt not continue a lifestyle that you can’t afford.
You could also get a job too !

[TFP]

My parents are well off and regularly help my siblings

There's quite a bit to unpick here. If you mean something like the following:

(a) Your siblings have similar [non parental] incomes to you; &
(b) Have been recipients of cash gifts which they've used to cover similar sorts of outgoings to the ones you're referring to; and
(c) A similar-sized gift would enable you to live your preferred "lifestyle" without any need to rack up more debt etc.

Then, really, I don't think it would be unreasonable for your family to expect the same sort of "help".

If it's something less clear-cut than this, e.g. your siblings were only using the money to cover bare essentials, even with the "help" you'd need debt anyway, etc, then it's maybe time to think again.

[funandfrolics]

I’d separate and choose your lifestyle
This will come up later and be a problem
It’s more important for you and you both have very different priorities in terms of what’s important
I’ve been down this route and my wife preferred her lifestyle over everything else.
Most women who live in this area will marry for lifestyle though…hence most spouses work in banking - way the world is

Guewt, I dont know who your friends are but I know many women working in Finance and many more working in Law earning the money they need to sustain their expensive lifestyles (not to mention female doctors, business owners...). Your undertone is misogynistic.

Many women marry older men who work in banking to have a nice lifestyle. Many men work in banking to marry younger pretty and posher women and latch on to their lifestyle. Many younger men marry older rich women to get their lifestyle. Both men an women often marry for love, some other times they marry for something else. Very often I have seen the men marrying for looks, status.... Get out a bit...you just sound resentful. Maybe you married above your league and you couldnt maintain it?

Oh, and those wealthy women are too busy to post here... 

To the original post from hellogoodbye: agree with the others. Sit down and do the numbers. If he is the main income provider it is not nice to feel you cannot change jobs if you are not happy because it could upset the finances if things don't go well. Too much pressure which causes anxiety and stress... 

I think your parents should help if they are wealthy and they want to, specially if they are already helping your siblings. Older generations have far too much wealth compared to younger ones with their gold plated final salary pension (which they locked younger workers out of), their free university, cheaper housing when they were younger...). In my opinion younger generations are being taken for a ride...

A 'cute' way for your parents to help would be contributing to their grandchildren private education. They could just say it is their way to pass on their wealth and save on inheritance tax. That way it is a legacy they are leaving for their grandkids and not strictly giving it to you? I would talk to your parents first to be on the same page. Good luck and enjoy life!
 

[Talkman]

I feel like I’ve just stepped back in time. This is like a dodgy plot line from a bargain paperback one would pick up at Stansted en route to Torremolinos. (Other airports and destinations are available). Really hoping that some of the earlier replies aren’t as serious as mine. If only Noel Coward was still alive to adapt it for the screen.
“Oh it’s all rather too, too distressing, Tarquin. I simply must speak to Papa”.

[funandfrolics]

I feel like I’ve just stepped back in time. This is like a dodgy plot line from a bargain paperback one would pick up at Stansted en route to Torremolinos. (Other airports and destinations are available). Really hoping that some of the earlier replies aren’t as serious as mine. If only Noel Coward was still alive to adapt it for the screen.
“Oh it’s all rather too, too distressing, Tarquin. I simply must speak to Papa”.

Totally agree Talkman. We have definitely stepped back in time, though these are the sweet bits. The awful ones are child poverty, homelessness, sleazy governments and female rape impunity. 

[Talkman]

Funandfrolics, which bit is sweet?

[funandfrolics]

Funandfrolics, which bit is sweet?

The sweet bit is for people like hellogoodbye to have Papa and Mama to ask for money and them not only being more than happy to give it, but to be so wealthy that it does not even affect their lifestyle. Lovely position to be in. If I was her husband I would be all for it (unless they demand in exchange for their grandkids to be named with something like Horace or Crispin...apologies to those with those names). 

[Starr]

Knew a family with exactly the same dynamic and yes it came with obligations in return for the freebies ( expensive holidays bought and paying a huge chunk for the massive house she expected) from the wealthy in laws, woman's family. She gave up work because lifestyle was supplemented by her mummy and daddy. They live exactly where they want them to And they seem to spend more Christmases with them than the other grandparents etc.
Can see where your husband is coming from to be honest.
Paying for the school fees would be lovely though if they offer that and leave you to make your own decisions. I would take it as a gift to the grandparents ( if only ) and then you'd have more money for your nice extras. Could not see why your husband would turn that down - as long as it didn't come with obligations!

[Kirstie’s Mom]

Well said . Some are retired so they do have time to reply . Hence my response .

[hellogoodbye]

Thanks to everyone for taking the time to reply.
Many of your comments have made me think hard about our lifestyle and if I am being honest with myself we may be living a life we cannot afford unless our income changes. I no longer work apart from a little freelance, this is different to how things were pre children when we were making decisions about schools etc. ~I think that I need to consider going back to work and to speak to my siblings.

I know that they have had help but I am not sure if it odd handouts or ongoing help. If it is the latter then I think that asking my parent to pay schools fees for us is a good suggestion. If it was just the odd hand out then I need to speak to parents about whether setting something up would be something that they are open to, knowing that they wil have to do it x 3! I think that they wil be fine happy to do this.

To the person who said I should choose the lifestyle over him, I really do not want to do this. I just want to have it all!