Estranged friend reached out as she is getting married. Not sure how to respond Post Reply

[Cinderalla]

To reply or not to reply? Would love some input as cannot decide.

As background, my best friend and I were school and best friends into our early thirties.

She had had to deal with some stuff in her school days and as a result was not in a great place.

As her closest and long term friend I seemed to find myself in a position where I was being treated increasingly poorly and to be honest dreaded the person on the other end of the phone being her. Eventually I decided that I needed to walk away from the friendship.

I did it as kindly as I could and explained that I thought she was using me to take out her angst but I thought that me just 'putting up with her poor behaviour' wasn't helping her and I thought that she should try and get some proper help.

That was 10 years ago.

This week she reached out as she is getting married and wants me to come to the wedding. It has been a long time and in all honestly I haven't missed her and my husband really doesn't want me to 'go back there'.

I do however feel that I had a lovely wedding day and shouldn't I at least go for old times sake.

I a very conflicted.

Any thoughts or insights would be very welcome, in particular how I might decline the invite with kindness or if I should forget the past and attend.

[muddyboots]

You’ve not spoken for a decade for a reason. You haven’t missed her and your husband who has seen this relationship first hand is not keen.
I think you should put your guilt aside and not go.

Unless you are willing to become her friend again it’s just awkward and fake to be there to cheer her on isn’t it ?
Imagine congratulating her when you’ve not been friends because she drained you and used your kindness.

She should surround herself with the people in her life right now and let the past be.

I would leave a polite neutral note thanking for the invite but simple stating your can’t come. No reason or fake sadness st not being able to come.

[AHW]

"X thanks Y for their kind invitation to their wedding, but regrets they are unable to attend" would be my response.  You don't have a friendship any more, so why would you go and celebrate a significant event in her life?

You've moved on, and she probably should too......

 

[Elsie2023]

If your friend had truly changed, offered a letter of acknowledgment and apology and then asked you to her wedding I could see you might you toy with the idea of going. Opening up the pathway for her to again become a negative force in your life sounds dreadful. Return to sender.

[Kirstie’s Mom]

Of course you must reply to not do so would be rude and belittle you .
I would reply that you and your regrets but are not able to attend and wish her a happy day . If you wish to be the bigger person I’d send her a small present off her list and be done .

[dimelda]

AHW has answered the question.  You're making a meal of it.  Send her the formal regret letter ... then forget about it.

[Bunnyboots]

You must have liked her at one point as you were best friends and the circumstances that put her in a bad place during school days have presumably improved so she might have changed.
Have you considered arranging to meet her for a drink or coffee before you commit on way or another to the wedding, to see how you get on now? If you don’t go to the wedding you’ll little hope of ever becoming friends again. We all need friends, and those from our school days are unlike any we are likely to make as an adult.

[Honors79]

I’m going to be a slightly dissenting voice here.

Obviously, if it would be stressful or upsetting for you to go, then you really shouldn’t. A old fashioned but polite “X thanks Y for her kind invitation etc” would tick the box, and the idea of sending a (small) present would be a lovely gesture.

But if it wouldn’t be stressful or upsetting, then is anything lost by going? You said she had some difficult times in her youth; perhaps she’s finally managed to get beyond all that? Perhaps she’s changed? I’m a believer in giving second chances - God knows we all need them from time to time. Sometimes it backfires, but often it doesn’t.

She’s obviously aware that you’ve severed ties & has kept her distance for a decade, so inviting you must have taken guts. You’d been friends for 15? 20 years? before that. There must have been some positives for a friendship to last that long - even if overall it wasn’t v well balanced. You clearly put up with a great deal - perhaps this is her way of acknowledging that?

[99pctpractice]

Unpopular view I think, but I would consider going. I had a huge falling out with one of my then closest friends a few years ago. It was messy, we both said horrible things to each other etc. She moved away so it made it easier not to see her but we have a lot of mutual friends so it was quite difficult for them. Fast forward a couple of years and her dad (who I knew and who she had an incredibly close relationship with) died. I got back in touch with her both because I was sad that her lovely father had passed but also because it turned out I still really cared about my friend and what a horrible thing she was going through. We’ll never be best friends but I would definitely consider her a close friend again, and I’m so happy that I reached out and we reconciled. So I guess I would say that if you think you will be genuinely happy for her and want to celebrate her on her wedding day and maybe look at building a new relationship with her (or at least getting some kind of a more positive closure on your past friendship), then maybe you should go. If you think you’re going to spend the day feeling resentful toward her for her past behaviour and will feel uncomfortable in an environment where everyone else will be happy for her, then don’t go.

[juliantenniscoach]

You must have liked her at one point as you were best friends and the circumstances that put her in a bad place during school days have presumably improved so she might have changed.
Have you considered arranging to meet her for a drink or coffee before you commit on way or another to the wedding, to see how you get on now? If you don’t go to the wedding you’ll little hope of ever becoming friends again. We all need friends, and those from our school days are unlike any we are likely to make as an adult.

This!
 

[Claphamqueen]

I do wonder - what exactly did she do that was so bad and made you distance yourself and cut all contact? It must have been something quite bad but you don't say what it was and what kind of behaviour? I think a lot depends on what it was.

We only know your side of the story. Does she understand why you cut all contact? I do hope so... I hope you didn't just ghost her. From my experience, far too often people distance themselves from people who go through hard times as they simply consider them "draining". I've seen it happen many times. We will all go through hard times, just at different times. As I said, I don't know the full story but hope you were a good friend when she needed you and that you know in your own heart that you distanced yourself for the right reasons.

If not, perhaps this is the time to look back and reconnect.