Two or three year gap between siblings? Post Reply

[love me a margarita]

I appreciate that this question is subjective, but my husband and I are thinking about when to add to our small family.

We have one child at the moment and had always assumed a 2 year gap was the ideal, probably because that's what we both have with our siblings but I am now considering that a 3 year gap might be better both from a financial perspective for us - I can go back to work for a longer period of time. But also possibly a sibling perspective as the older one is more likely to understand what is going on.

My cousin who has just had their second with a three year gap wishes she had done it earlier as her daughter is very jealous of their new addition.

I'm really interested in hearing any views that people would be happy to share.

[sconesplease]

We have exactly a 3.5 year age gap between our two, it has been great, I was able to spend time with the baby at home while our older child was at school nursery, he was a little put out when the baby was born but overall he was OK. All our family are overseas so I wasn't keen on having them close together, I wouldn't want any bigger of a gap (to maximise how many years they are together at primary school and it's easier if they can both do the same clubs/sports/after school actives/enjoy being at the same playground). There are some disadvantages with a 3.5 year ago gap in terms of ability to play card games, UNO etc, I think ideally if I could choose I would go a 3 year gap.

[AbbevilleMummy]

I have slightly less than 2 year age gap, but they are 2 school years apart. My first was very jealous when my second came along and that was normal amongst my friendship group at the time who all had similar age gaps.

We are now in the teenage years and one thing I didn’t consider at the time is that I’ll have 2 doing major exams at the same time (eldest doing a-levels and youngest doing GCSE’s). That’s not ideal so I think a 3 year age gap is probably best.

[Goldhawk]

Bear in mind that you may not get the gap you want - you will be older - it may take longer to have a successful pregnancy.
What if you aim at 3 years and get 4/5 years?

[2SW17boys]

I note the concern over GCSEs and A-levels combining. I’ll have that too but the positive is that you at least have a year off in between to have some less stressful breaks - if you have one after the other it is exams every year in the household. As ever I suspect there’s no right or wrong here - these things may take longer than planned. Best of luck to you and your growing family!

[Colliwobble]

We have an almost 2 year exactly age gap and it is wonderful. My two are 2 and 4 now and they play together very nicely (this may change in future) and my oldest was not jealous at all. However, I very much think that it depends on your children's personalities so while it has worked out well so far, there's no fool-proof age gap recipe. And who knows - the things that make them get on well now, may be the same things that cause conflict when they are older.

I wanted a smaller gap because I was hoping that they would be friends and that they would be in similar phases of life at the same time. We also have no family support so I thought it would be easier to have an intense 'baby years' period over a short term rather than over a long period. Also, I found age 3 far more challenging than age 2 with my eldest. 

But I have also seen 3 years and longer work as age gaps really well. At the end of the day, the age gap that you end up with will be the right age gap for you as they all have their own particular advantages and disadvantages. And you adjust your parenting accordingly. I have never seen a truly terrible age gap. I think it is more important to have a think about how to introduce a new sibling and foster the relationship between them. And, of course, as others have mentioned, you can't really guarantee an age gap anyway. 

[NPG]

I’ve got a 21 month gap between my two which I think is perfect. When my son was born my daughter was too young to feel any jealousy and they’ve always got on absolutely brilliantly. When they were little they were both interested in doing the same things and so I didn’t have to plan for activities that one might enjoy but the other wouldn’t. They always got on really well - there was never a single fight between them. They’re now 20 and 18 and even though they don’t see each other very much (my daughter is off at uni or travelling) they still really love each other.

[Jonquil]

I really find it hard that to believe that anyone is hoping they can plan a gap between children. I’d have loved either 2 or 3 years between my children but it just didn’t happen. We ended up with 5 years. Wouldn’t have it any other way. I think everyone thinks the gap between their children is ideal. You can find reasons to appreciate the gap. Good luck to anyone who thinks that babies come on demand.

[muddyboots]

A child is a blessing, not a guarantee.
What I mean is, aim roughly, but don’t fret about exact timing.

I gave a bigger gap because despite being young and healthy at the time , I had a disastrous pregnancy before finally having my second.

To answer your question properly,
2 means 2 in nappies simultaneously for a bit , less understanding and patience towards new sibling.
More stress keeping 2 yo entertained/safe/etc whilst dealing with nappy change/feeding …

3 and over means you can more likely breast feed and get your child to sit calmly or even help getting things for you . Can explain more to sibling.

Either way , whatever happens you will manage.