How to get elderly parents to accept support in particular a cleaner. Post Reply

[black swan]

Feeling guilty even writing this post but can anyone share how you get elderly parents to accept more help without offending them.

I am specifically referring to cleanliness. My parent once immaculate house is now in much need of help. My mother does as much as she can but she is my father's carer and it is clearly all becoming too much.

I have tried to suggest that I get them some help and have offered to pay for it but they (in particular my father) get very defensive and insist that they don't need help. Things are slowly starting to get grubby and I feel like I am doing a terrible job of supporting them but they don't seem to want to let me. The irony is that when I start to clean that is OK.

I would love to know how others have managed to get over this hurdle as I am sure it is the first of many and I don't want everything to turn into an argument and then tears which is the current pattern before I then inevitably give up.

Help!!

[Soontobeme]

This may soon be me writing this, I suspect. But more because the surviving parent has failing eye sight.

If you’re able to work from home is there any way a sibling/other family member could take them out for a few hours whilst you carry on working and a cleaning team blasts it? Could possibly get away with that set up monthly…

[x9742549]

I read the post with interest as I am in the same situation and haven’t found a solution yet.

Great idea Soontobeme. Unfortunately won’t be possible for us as my folks don’t live close and I still have young children that I can’t be away for too many nights.

Keen to hear if anyone has other ideas.

[Fleece]

I just hired someone great. They turned up the first time when I was there. I persuaded my parents to let them get on with it. The cleaner did a good job and they grudgingly accepted it and now love her.

It was the first sign that something really wasn’t right (dirt and hoarding and defensiveness, subsequent dementia diagnosis). It isn’t easy.

[Red5]

How about suggesting it as a one off to see how they feel, explain that it's not set in stone and that your finding it difficult to manage two houses, childcare, work.
I had this with parents, met with resistance more from my Dad but they softened in time. Ask them what they would if the tables were turned, what would be the sensible thing to do. I hope that it goes well

[black swan]

Thank you all very much. It is comfort to know that this is a well trodden path and that they should be open to accepting help eventually.

I had thought about getting someone in to do a big overhaul and then taking it from there. Will definitely do it now others have tried and succeeded.

Thanks again for taking time to reply.

xx

[dudette]

Why don’t you have a chat with Ashley at One Stop Organisers? She is hugely experienced in helping the elderly live their best lives, and could help with sorting out the exact things that will make their lives easier without them feeling they’re being patronised or losing control.

https://www.onestoporganisers.co.uk