Aaaargh- should I return to work or be a stay-at-home-mum? Post Reply

[worriedmum]

I REALLY need some advice! My (first) baby is currently 6 months old and I am supposed to be going back to work in November. I love my job and really miss the intellectual stimulation & sense of professional identity that it provides, but I am having AGONIES about leaving my baby. I have managed to negotiate 3 days a week and am aware that to many this would be ideal, but the prospect of my baby being cared for by someone else 30 hours a week fills me with dread and massive anxiety. It doesn't help that she is a super 'clingy' baby, crying alarmingly when anyone (sometimes including her dad) holds her and refusing to sleep in her cot (as opposed to on me) for naps etc. I have never left her with anyone else, other than a few very brief stints with my mum or husband (and even then she became inconsolable the majority of times). I do try to build up her confidence with other people and regularly try and hand her to others, but it seems to be a slow business. I just can't shake the fear that even the nicest nanny or childminder (have ruled out nursery) would not nurture her as patiently as she needs, and I have visions of her crying and feeling abandoned by me. It probably doesn't help that I've read loads of child development/psychology books, which all bang on about the importance of prompt parental nurture and the evils of cortisol.

So I feel very very stuck. My reasons for returning to work are all about me: sense of being valued 'in the world', adult company/banter, intellectual stimulation etc. (Money isn't relevant as my part-time salary would mainly go on childcare.)I worry that if I quit I will be dreadfully lonely. Being at work has always been good for my mood, amongst other things, and I love my current workplace in particular. But then, my daughter is only going to be a baby once, she needs her mum etc. Part of me (an alarmingly anti-feminist part I never suspected existed before) thinks that if you have kids you ought to look after them. No one is going to nurture her or prioritise her interests to the same extent that I am. We plan to try and have another baby in a year or two anyway, so maybe I should just do the career break thing now? It's so hard not being able to have a taste of what it will be like - by age 1, will my daughter be much happier being looked after by others? Alternatively, will I spend my time at work fretting about her and longing to rush back?

I feel in a desperate double bind, and have to make the decision now as my employer requires a long notice period. Please help, nappy-valleyites! What are your experiences? What would you do?

In grateful anticipation of any advice...

[Rabbit_and_Co]

It's definitely not an easy choice... but one way of looking at it is that you could go back to work in November, and if you regret your decision / have any qualms about your baby's wellbeing etc etc, you could quit.

Whereas if you don't go back, it would be harder to reverse your decision.

(I went back 3 days a week when 1st baby was 1 yr old, and was really happy with that balance, though work is never as fun as pre-baby. I didn't go back after 2nd baby, although having said that I have since set up my own company so work for myself).

[erinisle22]

I'm a stay-at-home mum. My husband and I discussed this before we even had children so we knew what was going to work for us. We're lucky that his salary keeps us comfortable.
I used to be a illustrated book editor so I do think that somewhere down the line I will be able to freelance from home. However it wouldn't work for me now as my son is 18 months old and loves to turn my computer off!
For now I volunteer - I run a baby and toddler group, I edit a quarterly magazine for a local charity - and that fills the 'adult' gap as it were.

[worriedmum]

Thanks for such speedy responses! I would try the 'return to work & quit if it doesn't work out' route were it not for the fact that I've secured 3 days by successfully pitching a jobshare (which I had to really argue for as my employer has never permitted one before and is deeply suspicious of them). I'm a teacher and would really be dumping school & jobsharer in it, by leaving before the academic year is out (not to mention the students). I have to give a term's notice, so would effectively not be able to leave before summer 2013, so if my daughter was really struggling with childcare, I wouldn't be able to rescue her for quite a while.

Erinisle22 - it's encouraging to hear that you feel sufficiently fulfilled with your various new commitments & that you are having some adult time. In your experience, are there many other stay-at-home-mums in our area?

[DDJJ]

I understand how you're feeling and I'm in a similar position...I'm due to return to work next month. I too have negotiated to go back three days a week but do worry a lot about leaving my baby (who will be 1 by then) with other carers. Like you, I can't convince myself that anyone else will care or prioritise her needs in the same way that I do. Luckily although my baby is a mummy's girl she's not overly clingy. But over the last few weeks, I've had to give myself a talking to...I do need to go back to work for at least six months (otherwise I have to pay back my maternity pay) and who knows after six months she and I may love our new phase. I really do hope that being with a lovely nanny who will be focused on her for three days a week will continue to build her confidence plus she's with me for the majority of the week. In my more anxious moments, I tell myself that nothing is forever, at least by trying it we will give it a chance, if it doesn't work then we'll change it. Good luck.

[Rabbit_and_Co]

Ah, okay, you're a teacher. Is it (relatively) easy to take a career break and return to work when your children are at school themselves?

If it was, then I think I'd go for the stay-at-home option, personally.

[Rabbit_and_Co]

Oh and I wouldn't worry about being lonely - like erinisle22 I have run a toddler group, volunteered for a charitable committee, generally got involved in things and have met lots of friends / had lots of adult conversations (in between rushing 2-year-olds to the loo, etc!).

[supergirl]

Hi
I felt the same way as you. When my first child was born there was absolutely no way i would outsource to someone else her wellbeing. But i m a control freak...
I also believe that the first three years are the most important and so i wanted to be there. (disclsimer: i understand other mums might think differently and i dont judge them i actually respect them. I couldnt but thst is only my opinion so no need to flame me).

Resigning was the best decision i made. I have teo children now, 19 months apart and i feel so lucky having been able to be there. Yes i have sacrificed everything that made who i am: intellectual stimulation being the biggest sacrifice.

BUT (and it is a big but), i have discovered other parts of myself i didnt know i have, i have incredible women who choose to be at home but who are incredibly intelligent so we dont always talk about kids abd actually challenge each others, i have fiscovered a whole new world.

When my youngest turned 10 months i started to work part time and works great for me.

In the meantime they both went to nursery 2 full days from the age of 10 months to build up the idea of them having a life away from me. Now the eldest is at nursery school and the youngest will start in sept.

It is a tough decision but you wont regret one bit.

Sx

[worriedmum]

Wow, thanks, everyone - it's so interesting reading your replies (keep 'em coming!). Certainly my job is one where a career break is v feasible - it would just be such a shame to leave my current job, which is at a school I love (and, having taught at a fair few, I'm aware how special that is), and one at which I am valued and have a really good rapport with staff & kids. Having said that, I just can't get over the fact that those first 3 years are so critical for children, although all of the research about deleterious cortisol levels etc does apply to kids under one and/or kids in nursery rather than 2-3 year-olds in nanny care. But then I see my daughter's tear-stained desperation for me when she's been without me for a little while and I just don't know how I can leave her! Am so so torn - one minute I think I've decided definitely to return, the next to leave!

[erinisle22]

Hi again
I live in Tooting and there are loads of us around. Often you'll find that people are at work 3 days a week so you'll have 2 days with your mat leave friends around anyway for playdates etc. Otherwise, if you go to places that other mums are - toddler groups, classes, gym etc - you'll make friends if you are happy to chat to people and they might be on their mat leave for now, but they will be around for 9 months or so. It is a little cyclical, but you will make good friends and then you'll find your, say NCT friends, will be off again with number 2 and so on.
I volunteer with the Wimbledon and Wandsworth NCT and they are always looking for volunteers. The toddler group is through my church. There are lots of local mums on Twitter - the Tooting ones had a meet up last week. And there are some cheap playgroups around here that from about 2 years you can get morning sessions for a couple of hours at under £10, so not breaking the bank and some time to yourself, and some time to accustom your child to that kind of environment if you want to (I was thinking I could perhaps get a day or two paid freelance work spread across the week if I went down that route).
I guess I've never had to think about going back to work - in fact I was already working as a volunteer for about 18 months before we had our son as I had some visa issues (I'm Aussie) so I didn't have a job to return to but this is my experience and while I do keep an eye on the job market, I don't think I could go into full time work until our kids are in school (and then you have the whole...how do you pick them up thing to think through!)
Good luck with your decision x

[2009Kat]

Such a hard choice when you have the option! I will be returning to work when my baby is 1 in a month or two. It is so much easier to leave a 1 year old rather than thinking about your 6 month old. Anyway I just wanted to add that there are some LOVELY nannies out there. The first nanny we had for our toddler when I went back to work when he was one was so loving and kind, he had such a great time with her. he was so adored that it made it so much easier for me to be back at work knowing he was well cared for.
Why not just park the issue and leave it another couple of months before you decide if you can. I found that my baby (much clingier than his brother) settled down a lot more after he was 6 months - eg he started to settle for sleeps by himself. Good luck with it all.

[shanks]

I totally understand how torn you feel.

I chose to be a stay-at-home mum, (was lucky to be in a position to do so) and certainly after my first child really struggled with my change in identity - Have to admit I still hate filling in the 'employment?' box on forms!

But neither do I regret my decision. I get to watch my children grow, and be there for all the important moments - cuddles when they are hurt or sad, excitement when they manange to do something new. Yes, some days feel like groundhog day, but I know that the good moments outweight the bad.

Yes, I've put my career on hold, but I can pick this up, or do something new once they're older.

I won't get to do these years again, and they go so fast. So, I say if you have the choice stay at home. If it doesn't work out you could always go back to teaching.

[MGMidget]

My son had a good start in the care of a nanny part-time 3 days a week. It wasn't a problem leaving him (although perhaps he was less clingy than your daughter) and keeping some of my pre-baby identity was good for me and therefore him as he had a happy mummy. Children do form good bonds with a carer when it is the same consistent carer and with the right person they will have a happy time while you are away! You need to make a good selection and then manage them well - give instructions on what you do/don't want them to do and also be prepared to have a handover/transition period so your child can get used to the carer while you are there and the carer can watch and learn your methods from you to be as consistent as possible.

I think it would have been far harder if my son had been in a nursery as friends reported to me the tears on leaving their baby at nursery as though it was the norm!

Do you have time to try out having some more time away from your daughter to see how it goes and how you feel about it? Maybe a regular once a week arrangement with a nanny looking for a few extra hours for example or a family member or friend? I would try and stick with the same consistent person as it would be harder to have a different person each time. It might help you decide.

[sparkletiger]

I had a similar dilemma with my first daughter. I fully expected to return to work part time but when it came to it I strongly felt I wanted
to be with my daughter. Ultimately it has to be your decision about what is right for your family. But what swung it for me was the realisation that you never get this time back with your child. I decided not to return to work and I don't regret it for a second. I've done bits
of freelance work - I train people (who work primarily with children and young people) on how to do sex and relationships education. My mum looked after my daughter for the first 18 months when those days came up then I put her in nursery one morning a week and I increased days as I needed them for work. This was I frequent. She liked nursery but I can see she would have struggled with longer hours there.

I actually think it is truly feminist to have the courage to look after your child / do what is right for you. I had a similar epiphany that I should be the one to look after her, not someone else.

I now have a second daughter aged 17 months and feel so glad I can look after her and her sister. DD1 goes to school in sep.

It can be hard work of course but there are so many things to get involved with. it's a time you can (sort of) take for yourself to do different things and have fun being a mummy.

Don't worry too much about your employer. It's great they've been flexible BUT your child is your no one priority. If you feel you'd be happier being at home and can afford it I'd say do it. You are your childs favourite person. Sure she'd learn to cope with being away from you 3 days a week buy if she doesn't have to (for now) then be with her.

Good luck mummy! X

[worriedmum]

Thanks again, everyone, for taking the time to share your experiences. It's certainly good to know that there are stay-at-home-mums & things to do out there. I wondered also about doing a part-time degree (a couple of evenings a week) if I stayed at home, as a way of trying to keep my brain in gear. The main draw of staying at home is to nurture/protect my daughter emotionally and to avoid missing out on time with her/milestones that will never come again. I can always get another teaching job later on.

BUT I do think my mood and sense of identity will be considerably improve by being at work, in a job where I am valued and where I laugh every day, feel energetic and get an intellectual kick out of what I do. I hope my daughter will be ore independent and confident by 12 months (will she? Is the change so dramatic?), though am equally painfully aware that she will still be very much a baby.

I change my mind on this one 100 times a day. Getting an email from work or thinking about my subject makes me feel excited and determined to go back, but then I look at my daughter smiling at me or needing me and I just can't bear to leave her. At the moment we have just emerged from a cosy nap together, yet I'm aware that I've got to start training her to nap on her own if she is to be left with someone else, which feels sad and premature. On the other hand, by 4 in the afternoon when I'm groping for ways to keep her occupied or proffering a spoonful of food at her with an increasingly forced smile, I feel like I wouldn't survive permanent at-homeness. How different is hanging out with a 12 or 18-month old to a 6-month old, I wonder? I've no experience to go on.

Thanks so much for your advice and encouragement - it's really heartening that fellow women I've never met are taking the time to offer their insights.