A step too far!? Post Reply

[Minnie]

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[tamara]

Gosh that is a tough one

I don't have an au pair but as I understand it there is an element of pastoral care around the relationship between au pair and host so i would have thought that you probably should give her some advice.

I am not saying that you should go out shopping for, ahem, items together,but I would have thought that you could point her in the right direction.

Can I ask how old she is?

If she was 19 or older I would be quite relaxed, if she was 16 I would be less so.

T

Ps I suppose it could be worse, she could ask your husband!

[mamabel]

I have no experience of au pairs but I would have thought that was a considerably preferable conversation to one about an unwanted pregnancy...

maybe if you help her register with a GP she can redirect her questions!

[shellbell83]

Are you being serious???

Whats so wrong in that???
Atleast she wants to be careful !

A aupair and host do suppose to have some kind of relationship.
Sounds like ur being unsupportive

[nannyS]

Don't think she has gone a step too far. You live here and therefore should know the area. You don't actually need to register with GP, there are family planning clinics local.
As other post say, you are her host and therefore have some responsibility. I would take it as a positive, that she feels comfortable to ask you.
If you don't have the time, just let her know she can Google local clinics, think this is quicker option as they have drop in sessions, rather than registering and waiting for a doctors appointment.
If I can help anymore, pm me your post code and will try to find nearest clinic
eg. Stormont Health Clinic
5-11 Antrim House, Stormont Road
Clapham, London
SW11 5EG

Telephone: 020 8812 5700
Fax: 020 8812 5701

Services based at Stormont Health Clinic:
Family planning
Drop in clinic for young people
Monday and Thursday 15:30 - 18:00

[mrsbfrombalham]

Hi Minnie,
The fact that she asks you for help in such a personal matter shows that she trusts you and looks up to you as a responsible person and that's a good thing - although I can understand it makes you feel somehow uncomfortable as she is not your daughter.
As other posters have mentioned, most GPs have family planning services, which you can advise her to contact.

[Minnie]

I'm not being awkward with her but she talks about her boyfriend that she has back home and then talks about dates with men in this country. I really dont want to be hearing what she's getting up to in her personal life. I have told her about registering with a GP in the past. I would of thought it was pretty obvious.

[ekf]

Perhaps it's not obvious. As someone who grew up in another country the concept of having to register with a GP was totally foreign to me. We can just make an appointment wherever. In some countries pharmacies can dispense without the need for a prescription.
I might be wrong but I thought an au pair was meant to be a part of your family. You are expecting her to respect and take an interest in you and your kids surely you should be respecting and taking an interest in her personal life and well being.

[MGMidget]

One of our previous au pairs asked me this question. I admit I did raise an eyebrow but then I realised that it was a perfectly reasonable, if slightly awkward question to ask (she was 21). I pointed her to our local GP. You may need to help her get registered with your local GP - I have gone down with au pairs to the GP and talked them through the registration process as well as providing a letter confirming they are living with us as an au pair. It can be quite daunting to an au pair who has recently arrived in the UK and whose English may be shaky. They also tend to worry they will get a big medical bill.

[metoo]

Many moons ago, before children and marriage I used to work with this lady who often dispensed advice on family life - one anecdote was that everytime she got a new au pair she took her on a little circuit of Golders Green: 1st stop language school, 2nd stop GP, 3rd stop family planning clinic. I was shocked but she wisely said that these are young girls, in a foreign country and there is an element of pastoral care or responsibility involved. But even if she were your own daughter you wouldn't want to hear the lurid stories of her dating life Don't worry about your response - I did hear about a woman whose au pair got pregnant after 4 months, decided to go home in shame and was threatening to kill herself
Better that your au pair be careful and less sharing with the info!

[agivas]

Don't be so prudish! We're not teenagers. Adults have sex. You're all mums, you must have had sex. She asked you how to get some pills because she doesn't know how the system works here - its very different from other countries. She wants to be safe and stay healthy, she supposed to do that.
She didn't ask for sex tips or how to get illegal drugs. I don't understand what the problem is here.

[Chucka]

I think you are right to be concerned for her and for your responsibilities as employer and friend.

She is in sole trust of your children when you are not there ...yet she is prepared to deceive her boyfriend...maybe ask her to tell you how this might make you feel about the trust situation? How does it make you feel? Would boyfriends be present while she was with your children? Would you know? You have to put your children's well-being first whilst caring very much for her wellbeing too.

You cannot lose by encouraging her to consider her own happiness now and in the future by saving sex for marriage ie: formal life-long commitment. By all means she should I know about all the methods of contraception and how they really work. Unforunately in my opinion this is not the kind of guidance that is given at family planning clinics.

...the cynical deception of women by selling abortifaceants as if they were contraceptives is incompatible with the respect due to women" Germaine Greer

I have some material and I would be glad to send you. It goes through all the contraceptive methods in detail but also gives the benefits of staying sex free to really enjoy fruitful relationships and stay healthy.

"It sounds strange for me to be saying this butI have come round to the idea that sx really is for procreation" Eric Clapton

[Chucka]

...also... if she is lonely/bored and far from home - she is all too easy prey for guys who may not care at all about her as a whole person. Can any other mums help with ideas for linking up with other au pairs/friends so she has fun, friends and interests?

[Dachshundsrule11]

I'm not sure that I agree with the last post 'chucka'...a bit heavy going!! I think she's very senible to come to you & I would be flattered to be asked my advice. I think you can help her register at a doctors especially filling out the forms. I don't like filling forms out & I'm not trying to do it in another language.
I know she has a boyfriend at home & is seeing other men here but maybe she will finish with her boyfriend when she gets home & wants to do it face to face, who knows & it's not for us to judge.
I think she is being sensible in not wanting to get pregnant at an early age. She must be at least 18 to be an aupair, so she is an adult & I'm sure you have asked her not to bring an boyfriends home.
I really don't think the whole thing is a big deal & I'm surprised you needed to ask everyone's advice on it.

[Souza]

I would agree with other posters:-

1. The fact that the au-pair asked you is a compliment to you - she feels confident in your advice and trusts you to be a mentor to her.

2. As others have said - host families have a 'pastoral' role to the au pair - making sure she is happy on a personal level - rather than a pure business contract of "I'm your employer and you're my employee"!

3. I can fully understand that even when you're daughter asks for contraceptive advice - in the beginning - it can be a bit of a shock - never mind an au pair.

4. However, please use this incident to review your own views about sex: Do you see sex as dirty, naughty, embarrassing, never to be mentioned, what "dirty" people do etc ??

5. As another poster said - let's get real - all the mothers on this site have had sex - at least once! And your au pair's generation don't see sex as "what dirty people do".

6. Are you able to accept a more sensible view - sex is a basic and fundamental human need - perhaps more so than food! Everyone has a need for sex...perhaps ask yourself if you find difficult to be positive about sex!

7. Young women have libidos and a need for sex - not just men!

8. As others have said - your au pair is actually being highly professional by requesting contraception - rather than suddenly telling you she has an unwanted pregnancy and is unable to work for you!

9. Again - let's get real. I'm assuming the majority of au-pairs are aged 19-30. Women of this age have a NEED for sex and they ENJOY sex. So my point is most au pair's will be having sex [hooray!] - not just yours!

10. We all learn as we go through life so please use this incident to have an honest review of your own attitudes to sex...and whether you could be more helpful/encouraging - something that would pay dividends when needing to talk to your own kids about sex.

11. Parents that can talk in a relaxed and confident manner about sex are a huge asset to their kids....